To Proudly say, “I Don’t Know!”
posted on February 15th, 2010 / by Rena Arnold / 24 CommentsI sat waiting for my oldest son to get out of Museum Camp in the blistering hot Texas sun, listening to 2 ladies talk about a friend’s baby conception woes. This woman’s doctor had advised her to gain 15 pounds and it would help her, yet according to her “friend” she refused! Baby fever. When you got it, you got it and when you don’t you don’t! When we got married we agreed we would wait about 4 years to have kids. We were 25 so that would put us about 30 by the time we had a baby. Truthfully, I was scared to gain weight! Well 30 came and went. Momma still wasn’t ready. Daddy was ready the day we got married, I think! Meanwhile, I was still saying we would have a baby in about 4 years. My sweet patient husband gently reminded me that someday 4 years had to eventually get here! My girlfriend told me I would wake up one day and it would be like someone turned on a light. POOF! I was ready. And so our long road to have a baby began …
In my zeal to “Not be FAT!” I spent most of my teens to mid 20′s on a self-imposed “restricted eating pattern”. So much so I barely weighed 90lbs when I graduated high school. Not much more by the time I got married. I could not have gotten pregnant if I wanted. I still remember Dr. Fong telling me, when I was 17, I was suffering from malnutrition. My goal at that time was to NEVER break 100lbs! Looking back now I realize it was all about control. I lacked control in other areas of my life, well, this was one area I could control! When things were stressful I always made it my mission to lose 5 pounds. It was a quick starvation ritual that I was highly successful at doing. I was oblivious as to who was really in control. I was raised in church, had read the Bible backwards and forwards many times, memorized most of it, but I did not trust God to be able to handle my life. He had messed it up enough. I needed to be the one in control. Ever heard the phrase, “Let go and let God”? More like, ‘Let go and let God screw it up.’, in my mind! In our weakest moments we sometimes cling to the one thing we have control of, never realizing that is the thing we control the least!
No one tells you when you are young about the long-term ramifications of this destructive eating behavior. For me it stretched far beyond just not being able to get pregnant in my thirties. The control freak that I am was completely out of control with this “having a baby” issue. My husband and I had made an agreement we were not going to do any fertility treatments. We felt strongly that if this were God’s design for us it would happen. Talk about letting go. This was the beginning for me. It was not without struggle. It was not without tears. It was not without prayer! During this journey I realized that control issues are really trust issues. I did not truly trust him to take care of me, to give me the desires of my heart, to listen to my cry. Exhausted from charting, plotting, testing, waiting, hoping and praying I broke down one day about 3 months before we finally got pregnant sitting in my car in a parking lot. It all came crashing down on me as only He can do, “I don’t control anything!” My only job here is to trust and then that ton of bricks became so weightless. I knew I had surrendered my will and I could finally accept His!
The sad truth is eating disorders are rampant in our society. More so than we realize because they are not talked about! I told myself I did not have a problem because I never made myself throw up. Although I would function off about 800 calories a day. Overcoming this is a life-long process. Not because it is a lifelong struggle but because the enemy takes the opportunity to hit you when you are down. Only with God can we overcome. I have conquered this with grace and acceptance, although I know I am not above it. It is always in the back of my mind. And for me that is not a bad thing. It is a reminder of what I could be without that total acceptance only God gives.
Looking back on that year and a half it took us to get pregnant with our first son; I realize that was when I finally let go of my CONSTANT obsession for control. Psalms 2:12 says ‘Blessed are those that put their trust in HIM.’ We have been blessed with two healthy beautiful boys. During my first pregnancy I made a conscious decision not to look at a scale at all. When I arrived at the hospital to have the baby, the nurse asked me how much I weighed and I proudly said, “I don’t know!”
Rena Arnold is wife to the most amazing man, Brandon Arnold, who loves to do laundry! She is mom to 2 scrumptious boys and big sister to 5 beautiful, younger sisters. Rena and her family are members of White’s Chapel UMC. Both raised in the Metroplex, Rena and her husband have a heart for God and our community. Together they believe in reaching out to those around you and truly giving to others your heart. Rena is a work from home sometimes commercial real estate broker, all the time Mom and an avid community volunteer. She is passionate about giving to others; strangers, friends, children, her attention, love and respect and teaching her boys to do the same. And always hoping her husband teaches their boys to love laundry!
This is a great inspirational article. The words mean so much more than just words. It is very true, when we finally let go and let God life can be so much easier.I am blessed to have you in my life.
Thanks Rena! I love this honest blog that so many of us can relate to. I’m still in a battle for my own freedom but continuing to gain ground because of God’s grace.
Your one line “I realized that control issues are really trust issues” won’t stop going through my head. That is so goooooood! I never thought of it that way before and I have been told I am a control freak a lot in my life. This truly ministered to me…wow!! thanks!! I am going to go marinate in that for a while!
Blessings!
That’s a great blog Rena! Thank you for being so real to so many!
Rena, it must have taken courage to pour your heart out like this. So many of us are concerned with appearances, it was so refreshing to read your blog and know that you are for “real.” I look forward to following future posts.
Control control! It’s so hard to let go sometimes! And having a baby is one of the hardest issues to let go of. Thanks for sharing your situation. It’s is so true those things we think we control most are the ones we control the least!
Through many Bible studies I have come to call these “God Stop” moments. Control issues are definitely difficult ones to overcome & thank goodness many learn them way before I did. What freedom one feels when that true trust in Him overtakes you. Thank you Lord for your unconditional love, guidance & grace. And especially thank you for bringing Rena
into our family to be a great daughter-in-law & “Mommy” to our precious grandsons.
Your willingness to share your testimony will serve as an avenue of freedom for many others! I love you!
That was wonderful! So true! I bet you wish someone had told you the dangers of being underweight when you were in your teens. Who would have thought then that it would cause issues into your 30′s and beyond. Maybe some young women will read this and be inspired by your honesty.
What an beautiful post from a beautiful person. I love you and thank you so much for sharing. I’m pretty sure in my future I will need to revisit these words of wisdom!
Thank you for posting such a heart warming post. Your words are inspiring and have made a difference in my life. Thank you a million times ~ M
There are so many things I can say. I’ve cried more than a few tears reading this… for you. For me. For all of us girls. Mostly, though, for thanksgiving that He is the God of second, and sometimes third chances. I am so very humbled to call you sister. I am so very blessed to call you friend. Tell your sweet hubby that I ALWAYS have laundry to do if he runs out! =) Now to repair my makeup! AND, Oh yeah! I love you!
Rena,
I enjoyed reading your blog. I have thought about doing a blog as well since I love to write so much. The control issue is one that I can sooo relate to. I have been told by those closest to me that I have control issues. I never thought about “control” relating to “trust” but it does! Thanks for sharing that. I will definitely remind myself of that continually. Wasn’t sure if you knew this or not, but back in 1990, when Lon and I were newlyweds, I went into an intensive in-patient eating disorders treatment program in Austin for 2 months. Taught me ALOT! I can relate to that as well. Thanks again for sharing! I am blessed you are a part of our family and we should spend more time together. You are such a special woman with so much to share. Love you Rena!
Wow! Thanks for being so open and honest. I loved it. I am proud of what you have overcome. And I know God has blessed you with beautiful babies! Much love…
I loved this! What an encouraging post! Thanks for being so vulnerable and sharing your story.
Rena,
What a great read! God is amazing isn’t He? Funny how you grow up with someone and never realize those hidden things that go on inside. Thank you for sharing a piece of your life journey. You have grown into such a bold women of God….we will survive!
Rena,
You are so loved! Thank you for sharing your story with so many. You are such an inspiration to many. As an A personality, it is real hard to let God be in control. You are a great example and role model. We all keep growing in our journey with the Lord. Thanks for sharing some of your journey.
Thnx everyone! Nothing like being so honest and open to make you feel relief! Love all you awesome women!!
Rena–I laughed while I read because all I could think was 800 calories a day? wow-that’s amazing! But the real issues IS our need for control-that’s how I became a runner and experienced much of what you described in my twenties. My life was so out of control, but my tolerance and endurance, my weight and my appearance-those things I could control-or so I thought. Thank you for sharing how God has conquered all, and reminding me to build an altar in my mind where I may have forgotten to do so years ago! You blessed us~m
What incredible words Rena! I am so proud and inspired by you all at the same time.
Love you!
Heather
Rena,
This is my favorite line!
“When I arrived at the hospital to have the baby, the nurse asked me how much I weighed and I proudly said, “I don’t know!”
I love it … I love overcoming … I love that it’s possible!!! Thanks for sharing your inspiring story of hope!
I’ve loved getting to know you and your heart! Your amazing gal and GREAT MOM! Thank you so much for stepping out and submitting this blog. I know it has blessed many!
Great Love,
~Ris
I enjoy reading your blog and when I do, I can just picture the kids doing exactly what you are saying! Your writing is from the heart and I love how you are so passionate about your family in your writing. Keep the pen going…
Hi Rena,
I enjoyed reading this, especially after meeting you this summer at the class reunion. Awesome testimony and to learn more about you.
Nicole’s Big-Sis
Hi Rena,
I enjoyed reading, especially after meeting you last summer at the class reunion. Awesome testimony and enjoyed learning more about you.
Nicole’s Big-Sis