Sometimes in life it feels good to get a fresh start, to move to a place where no one knows who you used to be. You get a chance to be who you want to be instead of being boxed into the person everyone still remembers when they see you. However, if we aren’t careful we may find ourselves hiding behind a nicely manufactured facade.
I was twenty years old when I decided to do a Discipleship Training School with Youth with a Mission. It had only been about three years since I made a commitment to the Lord and left my old life. I was starting to feel pretty good about myself. I exchanged the stale taste of cheap beer, meth and slutty men for a new life free from shame in Jesus Christ and had managed to completely separate myself from all that I had once been. Drinking and dating had become the unpardonable sins. I was actually a step above most other Christians since I refused to even watch TV or listen to any music other than worship or classical.
I was a bit surprised by my YWAM peers who did not hold to the same standard of holiness that I did. We were, after all, there to spend 3 months preparing for a two-month missions trip to Brazil. Fortunately, my judgments were not perceived, and I made friends with the other students without any difficulty. They loved me as the sweet, good girl from a nice family. And I was so happy to be known as the girl without issues. In all sincerity, I WAS thankful for the work God had clearly done in my life. It wasn’t all fake. It just wasn’t my WHOLE story.
Usually in the first couple weeks of a DTS, there is a sharing session where the students are encouraged to be open about a difficult time in our life, a struggle, or a testimony. This happens on stage with a microphone in front of leaders and peers. It is meant to bond the group and bring authenticity as well as get everyone used to sharing deep things in front of a crowd. Well, this was going to be a problem for me since I was not willing to lay down my new identity. I would have to come up with something a little less ugly than the truth.
That was the plan anyway. I was to be the first to speak the morning after we had closed with our favorite girl sharing with us about all the years of sexual and physical abuse at the hands of her Satanist parents. She was real and open, and we were all changed by her story. The atmosphere on the whole campus changed that night, and the Holy Spirit began dealing with me about my own authenticity. I felt as though my decision that day was going to have an even bigger impact on my ability to walk in freedom and all that God had for me than I was even able to comprehend. Â It was agonizing, but I was going to take a chance on being treated by the boys differently. The girls might see me as dirty. And the leaders may see me as disqualified.
I stammered a bit as I looked into all the faces, possibly seeing admiration for the last time. I began to tell my story of physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my father. Their faces dropped a little more as I shared how I lost my virginity before I was in seventh grade and continued my pursuit to find someone to love me until I gave up when I was seventeen. The drugs could never make me skinny enough. The alcohol could never numb my pain for long. The hypocritical Jesus that my parents had preached to me my whole life failed! I was hopeless. I was empty. And then God sent a young pastor and his wife to love me. And that was the first time I began to realize who God is. I saw that He loved me and He valued me enough to notice me.
The room was silent except for the occasional gasps and sniffles.  I walked off the stage and everything HAD changed. I now had a group of friends who loved me for everything that I am and not just for the part of me I allowed them to see. There was no fear of being exposed. The boys still had crushes on me, but they weren’t any less respectful. And I still refused to date.
I am that nice girl! My rough edges are beginning to smooth. My ability to love and to receive love is greater. But I am also made up of my past experiences, hurts, trials, shames, all of which God has used in my life to refine me into the woman I am now. I am compassionate towards abused women because I have been abused. I am strong because I have had to be strong. I am gracious only because I have known God’s grace in a powerful way to come and save me from who I was. His grace, not judgment, made me want to be better.
Something else also began a long, slow process of change in me. I started to see that being a Christian isn’t as much about what I do or don’t do as it is about love and mercy and grace. In three months’ time my roommate left YWAM after finding that she had arrived pregnant. One friend had to go home to get help for her anorexia disorder, and another friend went back to her life of exotic dancing, live-in boyfriend and illegitimate son. People’s lives are messy, but God is gracious and loving to us all. He isn’t willing that any should die or come to ruins. All of us have sinned and still sin at times. If you think you don’t then, your sin is probably found in a hidden heart issue of pride and judgment.
Are you looking for your fresh start? If you haven’t yet experienced God’s love and grace; you know you can’t change the past, but you want a new future full of hope and peace that no one can take away, then let this be your moment. Believe that Jesus died in your place for all of your failures, bad things you’ve done, and even the ones you have yet to do. Thank Him for his love and grace and believe it’s all for you. Now ask Him to take over. You know you have made a mess of things. At the very least you realize that His ways, and His plans have got to be better than anything you can do on your own, so commit to Him your life. Serve Him as your master, but learn to love Him like no other.
Maybe, you are a Christian who can relate to that critical, judgmental attitude that I possessed before understanding how God’s grace is at work in me and in others. It’s hard to be compassionate for others when we have not learned to receive God’s grace in our own life. Let’s pray that God would reveal the depth of his love and mercy to you so deeply that you view all of life through the eyes of love. God never intended for us to be each other’s Holy Spirit. He intended that we love one another as He has loved us. That’s our job. It’s God’s job to make the changes needed to cause us to reflect His holiness. It’s His kindness that leads us to repentance. Judgment only drives us away.
Maybe you’re a ministry leader afraid to go up to the alter or reach out for help wondering what people would think. You feel bound by people’s perception of who you are. The enemy has lied to you, making you believe that if people knew the real you, you could lose everything. It keeps you from deep friendships. And it keeps you from walking free.  We can never fully walk in our destiny if we have not been able to reconcile our past. Take a chance. Don’t be afraid of who you were or of not being perfect all the time. The people I admire the most are the ones who let me learn from their mistakes. They let me know I am normal every time I fail and it helps me to try again. Tell your story, the WHOLE story and let God use it to free others to be real too.
Ok, you want my whole story, here goes.. Lol.. Jk, because not only do you know my whole story, but you were a big part of it! I so remember u at DTS and remember your graduation there. I stand amazed at all God has done as I see Him REAL in your life today. And everytime we share our story it allows Gods light and power to break that shame and darkness Satan wants to keep us under. His power in our lives (and realness) that is what changes lives! I love you and love seeing the new places He is taking you to! Really GREAT blog!! =}
Hugs!!!! God is sooooo real in your life, elationship, not just a eligion. You touch sooo many lives, being them closer to God by your realness. Much much love, D
The whole truth and nothing but..whew! Sometimes it is so hard to walk in our own truth. Amazing story Rebecca! Amazing life-full of honesty, love, forgiveness and friendship. Thank you for telling your “deep dark secrets” that most people what to hide. You touch more lives than you realize with your story! Love ya!
“your sin is probably found in a hidden heart issue of pride and judgment.”
I just had a revelation last week that while I was hiding away in my own “lil goody two shoes” world…I had every sin imaginable hidden in my heart where no one was allowed. I had even locked my heart to God for the majority of my life though I went to church and professed to be His.
So grateful that in our mess He makes us whole. Thank you for being so transparent…it is refreshing and really strengthens me.
I love your honesty and truth.
Wow! I know that it is hard to share things that you would rather hide, but what an awesome feeling once you can use your story to minister to others!
Rebecca
I just love you and this blog. I love your “Whole Story” which is why I trust you so much with my “whole story” Love love love you! And happy Birthday week!
Thank you Rebecca!! This is exactly the encouragement I needed to hear today. God has been dealing with me about the shame I continue to hold from my past. He has been telling me to stop putting on the facade that I’ve always had a perfect life & be real about my WHOLE story. He’s been positioning me to share what He brought me through to get to the point where I am today & showing me how He wants me to usher others into the same freedom. I’ve been wrestling with Him the whole time. He’s revealed that I fear man more than I fear Him. Thank you for going before me, keeping it real, & using your giftings as a writer to reach people like me. Your example gives me courage to take the next step. Love ya lots!
~Allie
Thank you Rebecca for having the courage to share your heart and your whole story yet again…now. You are so right about when you don’t tell the whole story, it keeps you from walking with freedom and never being fully able to walk in your destiny until you are free from your past. I know your story will encourage and touch someone who needs to be fully free. Thank you. Not telling the whole truth even in little things can lead to huge consequenses.
wow, just wow. that was so good. I’m sitting here crying on the couch! thank you so much for putting the whole story out there!
Wow! What an amazing testimony! Thanks for sharing and being honest and authentic!
So good, Rebecca. I love how you point out that it is ALL of our past experiences, the good and the bad, that God uses to refine us into the women we become in Him.
OK R … so this is by far my favorite:
It takes me back to the summer of 97′, the first night of being new roommates and we trusted each other with our, “Whole Story,” only to find out that they were very similar. Our testimony to so many is to the awesomeness of God especially to those who have not walked our steps and can’t IMAGINE we ever did:) But we both experienced a deep knowing of how HUGE it was, what God had done in our hearts and how far He reached to pull us out. I love that your my friend that walks in the understanding that everything we have that’s wonderful is because of Him and how everyday (even our worst days) are MIRACLES!
You didn’t just decide to be REAL in this blog … you are my very REAL friend all the time! I know the intregrity of your words makes them far reaching!
I LOVE you! ~Ris
Psalm 40:2 “
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps.”
Rebecca, you’re amazing. I love that God can transform the most horrific, dark and ugly pasts into the most beautiful and shining testimonies of His grace and mercy.
Now that can preach! We were just talking about this the other night and little did I know you had already written it im your blog!! Revival is coming !!
“His grace, not judgement, made me want to be better.” I LOVE that line!
This was another great post. What an encouragement not only to be ourselves and not to hide, but to give that kind of grace to those we encounter…..
Rebecca,
I hope you are not getting tired of hearing how amazing you are!!:) You are REAL and true!! The life that you live is a picture perfect example of the way Jesus has called all of us to live…….by His Grace! He has truly used you through your story to touch the lives of many.You are such a great leader because of the obedience to serve others first. God has your WHOLE heart, that is very evident!
Oh ya, I almost forgot…….You totally rocked!!!;)
Love You,
Maree
Rebecca,
You have such a beautiful heart and it shows in every one of your writings. You write from such a depth that resonates with me and each time I read your blogs, I feel like you expose more and more of who you are. You are so transparent, and I appreciate that with such fondness.
By sharing your Whole Story, you inspire others not to be afraid to share theirs. Courage begets courage.
Blessings, My Friend!
Rebecca,
I’m moved in my spirit as I continue to learn about your journey with Jesus.
Each of you ladies bring depth and authenticity that is so raw and needed. As a man, I’m grateful for your fearless transparency and inspired by your beautiful examples.
Anthony
I just LOVE how God can take a past and turns it into something beautiful for Him. we can look at people that are going through what we used to go through with a compassion and understanding as we reach out to them and love them through it. What the enemy tried to destroy us with, God shines His grace and forgiveness on.
what a blessing you are to so many, rebecca!
Rebecca, your story amazes me in many ways but especially because I never would have guessed some of the painful things you have been through, not because you hide it but because you have been so transformed that it really no longer is who you are. I admire your uncommon courage to share your story with the goal of helping other people on their journey. What a sweet glimpse of God’s goodness.
absolutely LOVED this! thank you for sharing your story of redemption, grace and re-birth! how beautiful your vulnerability is….such a gift to us. YOU are so beautiful, my friend! much love, beth
Thanks for being so vulnerable to share your sin and your pridefulness. I’ve had so many instances where I’ve been exposed for my past sin and it’s gone so bad. It’s hard for me to be vulnerable because of the hurt I have endured from people who say they are Christians and turn their back on me when I have messed up. I’ve always thought that my broken relationships with them is now a consequence to my sin. It’s hard for me to not feel shame for my past sins when I’m always reminded of the friends that left me. The friends that continue to only see me for the sinful person I once was.
I’m thankful that I was able to have that new start in Texas. And I know God wants me to use my story for His glory…. but I still struggle to.
Love you Rebecca… and Happy Birthday!
Truth is such a simply beautiful, powerful sound. Thank you for sharing the beauty of your heart so freely. Very refreshing!
Rebecca,
You are precious and God has truly made all things beautiful! So glad that I got to share a season of life with you!
Your freedom to share unabashedly about your life is bringing others the boldness and freedom to do the same. We must all allow God’s Liight to permeate every area of our souls, in order to fully receive His wholeness…all of me…none of Him….some of me…some of Him…none of me …all of Him.
Thank you, Rebecca, for being such an inspiration to women and men from various backgrounds and cultures.
“God never intended for us to be each other’s Holy Spirit. He intended that we love one another as He has loved us. That’s our job. It’s God’s job to make the changes needed to cause us to reflect His holiness. It’s His kindness that leads us to repentance. Judgment only drives us away.”
Wow girl – now that will preach!
I pray each of my daughters has women/mentors/friends/writers in their lives like you someday. You are a priceless treasure in my life for sure and I wouldn’t want them to miss out on such a jewel in their own lives.
Love you dearly – Kisha
without a doubt, my favorite you’ve ever written. not for any other reason than I can hear your voice and see your face and think what an awesome God we serve. you truly amaze me with your ability to love and communicate without fear or a facade. happy birthday dear friend-to the whole story of you. love you~m
It is an honor to know you girly!!! And I love how much you love the Lord. It continually inspires and moves me!!! Thanks for sharing your heart in such a real and open way Hugs and Love!!!
I am beyond blessed by your comments and openness. Thank you!
It’s been a crazy week, so this is the first chance I’ve had to sit down and read your blog. Wow! Your story is amazing because it really does make Jesus the hero. He was the hero that restored your brokenness, he was the hero to bring you authentic friends, and he is still the hero as you bring honor to Him for all that He’s done and is doing in your life…this is why He will continue using you to share this message, because Jesus is glorified!!
Thank you for sharing straight from your heart. Great job Rebecca!!!