The Purpose Of Discipline
posted on January 11th, 2010 / by Tom Lane / 23 CommentsAll of us have been in a restaurant, shopping mall, or Wal-Mart and seen a child “out of control” in need of correction and thought, “that would never happen under my watch.” As we watched things unfold we may have said something like, “That kid would be toast, why don’t the parents do something!” It’s the equivalence of armchair quarterbacking by grandparents, friends, family and even strangers.  It is also true that before we become parents we absolutely know what we would do, or not do, allow and not allow, it is so obvious as we observe a child’s meltdown. However, when we became parents we found it is not as easy as it looks. All sorts of factors come into play … naps, without naps, new environment, hungry, ADD personality … all of a sudden what seemed clear and simple as a spectator is not that clear at all.
Then we become aware of the scriptural mandates related to parenting like “Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he won’t depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6; “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” Proverbs 13:24; “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.” Proverbs 22:15; Or how about this one, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” Colossians 3:21
Add on the foundation of biblical truth, and personal experience, society views that any act of physical correction to a child is abusive and what we find out is this: parenting is difficult and complicated! Doing it well requires God’s assistance. No parent is smart enough to produce God’s best results alone. Understanding our need for heavens assistance will naturally lead us to ask a simple question. What is the purpose of discipline? Is it to satisfy vows we made in response to other peoples out of control children? Is it to save us from public embarrassment because of our own children’s behavior? Noooooo … well then, what is discipline’s purpose?
Discipline has two distinct purposes but a singular focus. The singular focus of discipline is to teach our children how to respond to God by the way we allow them to respond to us. Will they obey His command to stop or will they carry on with the activity of the moment as long as they desire? Will they ignore Him and make Him count to three, while raising His voice before they respond to His commands? Will they respond only to angry threats of punitive action? In actuality, how they respond to God will most likely mirror the way they are responding to us. The focus of discipline is training.
We are our children’s image of God. If we really understand this fact we will carefully craft our response to them knowing that our response is creating in them their impression of God! We must ask, “How does God respond to us?” Is He gracious, kind, understanding, does He raise His voice in frustration, does He give us firm boundaries, does He correct us for disobedience? Are we modeling what God is like in the way we respond for our children to understand? Our goal should be to parent just like He does, knowing that without His help we can’t consistently reflect His nature to our children.
Once we understand that the focus of discipline is to train, we are able to work toward fulfilling the two purposes of discipline. The first purpose of discipline is to teach an obedient response to our voice so that as adults they will make the transition to respond to God’s inner voice as He speaks to them.  And the second purpose is to teach them to embrace boundaries as good and necessary in their life so that when they are adults they will embrace God’s boundaries and live under His blessing.
As good teachers we respond to our children’s behavior, both good and bad, to reinforce, establish, and correct them in order to fulfill these two purposes. To accomplish this work of parenting it takes diligent effort and the assistance of the Holy Spirit. I have good news! The Holy Spirit will help our parenting effort if we will ask. However, be aware that when you ask you will become the learner even as you act as the teacher. We must learn God’s ways to impart them in our responses to our children.
If you’re not a parent yet, no worries, it is a good time to check your own response to discipline issues both past and present before you have the blessing of children and the responsibility of parenting. The discipline you have received in your life may not have been as purposeful as I have described. Maybe your parents didn’t know any better. Maybe they disciplined you the way their parents disciplined them. The Bible tells us that we suffer because of a lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:6). The discipline you received may have been harsh or even punitive or it could have been neglectful and nonexistent. Allow God to heal your past hurts and embrace His love and discipline in your life right now. No matter what you’ve experienced God is ready to become your father and His discipline is always loving and redemptive.
May God bless all your efforts to reflect Him and His greatness! May discipline fulfill its God ordained purpose in your life, as well as your children’s, and may you enjoy parenting in partnership with God!!
Tom Lane is the Executive Senior Pastor of Gateway Church. He is responsible to execute the vision of Gateway through leading the senior team of the church as they oversee the staff and volunteers is service to God and people.
Tom graduated from the University of Nebraska at Omaha with a bachelor of science in business administration. His major was accounting. After graduation he spent 7 years in various capacities while working for a wholesale paper distributor.
In 1982, he left business and joined the staff of Trinity Fellowship Church in Amarillo as business administrator. During his 22 years of ministry he held different positions, ultimately serving as co-senior pastor. In 2000 Trinity Fellowship was the planting church that launched Gateway Church and in 2004 Tom made the move to Southlake to assist with the growing ministry.
Tom also serves on the Board of Directors of Marriage Today, a nationally broadcasted TV program whose mission is to help train and encourage families for success.
He is the author of the book, The Influence of a Father. He is a pastor, conference speaker, teacher, and church consultant. His relational style and personal experiences bring a warm, tender touch to his leadership, speaking, writing, and pastoral ministry.
Tom and his wife, Jan, have been married for over 37 years. They have four married children and six grandchildren.
I was raised with too much discipline and not enough relationship… What an awesome God we have, who has given me the Holy Spirit to be my guide so I don’t repeat those mistakes. He truly is my Loving Father!
I am thankful for the reminder that I am training my kids on how they will respond to God! That’s a heavy burden and I’m glad God carries it with me.
Thanks for your wisdom & insight Pastor Tom! God Bless you!!
This is my golden nugget of the week!! What a great way to view the way we discipline our children in the same way our Gracious Heavenly Father disciplines us!! Love it!:)
Thank you Pastor Tom!!
~Maree
Way to go Dad. So well put. It’s is such a good reminder as a parent what out purpose is with our children. You are such a great Dad and I am so thankful for the amazing example that you and mom gave us kids.
Love you,
Lisa
I am thankful for this post. I am a new mommy, and the whole issue or correction has been a question for me. As a child we too had to much discipline and very little relationship. It has truly affected my life, so I DO NOT want to continue in that path with my own daughter.
It is my desire for my daughter to see me through God’s eyes, and I do see her through God’s eyes. God has a calling on her little life. It is very important that I listen and respond to the Holy Spirit. Thank you for this post. I have printed as a source of reference for my journal.
Thank you Pastor Tom. You bless me every time I read things you print and every time you speak. You are a blessing.
Tina Marie
This was awesome pastor Tom. I am not a parent yet but God showed me some things in this blog that will help me as We start Freedom Church. This was good stuff, thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the wisdom Pastor Tom. I love how you boiled it down to the bottom line. Thanks for the reminder that we are training our children to respond to God.
Miss and appreciate you!
jeremiah
Thanks, Pastor Tom. You articulated this topic of discipline very well. Praise God that He is the perfect Parent and our perfect Example of how to raise our children regardless of how we were raised by our parents.
So well put. Thank you for the reminder. I think I was due for a refresher. Planning to be purposeful today and follow the Spirits lead.
Thank you! It’s like a little light turned on and I said “ahhh, that makes so much sense”. As a first time mom of a 2 year old, the line indeed is blurry as to when he’s misbehaving and in need of direction or when he’s simply innocently curious. This word is very clear. Thank you.
Wow! These words were needed today! I’m a new stepmother to two elementary aged boys and though I parent only part time, its challenging just the same. When at times I want to pull my hair out, I must again remind myself of the example these boys look to me and see. I must die to my frustrated self, remember they’re 7 and 10, and love them as Christ loves me.
What a wonderful way to view parenting…through the eyes of our ultimate Father in Heaven. This was a great perspective and very encouraging to us stepmoms who are clueless and just trying to find our way.
Thanks Pastor Tom!
tammy
Thanks for sharing this focus on discipline. Even as a grandparent I want to remember that we are “teaching our children to respond to God by the way we allow them to respond to us”. I love the thought that as they learn to be obedient to our voice of authority they will make a smoother transition to hearing and obeying the authority of our heavenly Father. Great job!!!
Your the best – I am so glad that I was able to “grow up” in your home. You have always practiced what you preached and your kids are a testimony to your faithfulness. I miss ya – love ya – and appreciate you.
Thank you for this great blog about parenting! So true, without Him we can’t consistently parent showing Gods nature. (I know I have shown ‘my’ nature more than enough!) We often don’t relate loving and redemptive with discipline~ I love that because Gods discipline is loving and redemptive! Thank you again! Celeste
Thank you for sharing from the well of wisdom and experience! I loved the statement,”be aware that when you ask you will become the learner even as you act as the teacher.” A teachable spirit is what I want in my children and must first begin with me!!
Dad this is awesome! Thank you for being a Godly example to Todd and me about raising children who love God first. I’m thankful for the reminder that everything I do to love and discipline my kids is teaching them about their relationship with God. I’m so thankful for you!
Love you!
Blynda
Pastor Tom,
I just want to thank you on behalf of Destiny in Bloom for sharing such words of wisdom from God’s heart to ours. There were so many nuggets of truth that I know I will be thinking on for days to come as I let God mold my parenting to be filled with His love for their lives.
What a blessing! Thank you so much for sharing with us!
~Ris
Tom,
This was a blog packed full of such good information, encouragement and life applicable points. I actually tweeted this line as soon as I read it and before I finished reading the full blog:
“The singular focus of discipline is to teach our children how to respond to God by the way we allow them to respond to us.”
It seems so obvious, I had to wonder how it seemed so revelational to me. I’ve always held to the understanding that it is my job to reflect Jesus and to be able to naturally fall under the direction of God after they were no longer under our direction, but the way you phrased it puts it so succintly.
Additionally, this line stopped me in my tracks:
If we really understand this fact we will carefully craft our response to them knowing that our response is creating in them their impression of God!”
That thought will now be running through my heart as I respond to my children from here on out … and that’s awesome.
Thank you for sharing God’s wisdom with us!
Babs
This man know what he is talking about!! I love him! Great word honey!!
Great job Tom. Your life and family are a great reflection of your encouragement and teaching. Blessings…
Pastor Tom,
Thank you for sharing your heart in this–ummm–very familiar and prevelant area in our lives right now! I love your view of discipline and embrace it coming from you as the source!
love you~marsia
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and insight on parenting young children. As a parent of two grown sons and a grown daughter with families of their own this has made me reflect back on a time of struggle with my boys in their teens. We were going through such a time of rebellion and out of sheer loss at what else to do I cried out to God and said “Lord, I have raised them in Your word, I have loved and encouraged them, and I have disciplined them in love and in frustration. What am I blinded to!” He spoke very clearly and said, ” You are disciplining out of fear and a spirit of control. Do you truly trust me? Have faith in what you have prayed …and trust them too! You will see change in you, and in them. They will make mistakes, just as you did and I took care of you. Now let go and let me answer your prayers.” At that point I asked forgiveness and quit trying to control out of love and fear and instead disciplined in His love, and freedom
I remember this now that they are grown and have wonderful children of their own! Wonderful article, what a blessing!
thank you for imparting such powerful wisdom in such a tender way. I was raised in a broken home where my biological father was imprisoned until my twenties and my mother remarried when I was 6. I believe my parents tried the best they could in their circumstances…i have learned and HEALED so much through my Gateway Church family and I am so excited that my husband and I are gaining such precious guidance from a “hand-picked” team of leaders…Pastor Tom, I appreciate this blog more than you know. I am constantly reminded that I have a chance to MAKE TIME to show my children God’s love
Pastor Tom,
Thank you for helping put discipline into a Godly perspective! I have always equated discipline with punishment and not learning…I thank you and I feel my kids will also thank you (hahahaha).