Today I looked at the calendar and realized that in a few short days I have a very … uh, interesting anniversary approaching. It’s unlike any other event or holiday I recognize.
It’s the anniversary of the day my world first shattered.
That’s how it felt at the time, although I have to be honest; standing here a year later there is some real beauty woven in amongst all those pieces. If I look honestly at myself, there is some extra beauty woven in me as well. But for those of you who haven’t been along for the ride with me this past year, let me briefly catch you up.
April 22, 2010 began as one of those perfect days we capture in photographs and attach to a page in our family scrapbook. My husband and I were on a field trip with our 4 year old’s preschool to the zoo. It was sunshine-y beautiful fun. The three of us split off from the school and meandered around the zoo, enjoying the antics of the animals; especially, of course, the monkeys! I was 12 weeks pregnant with our third baby, and life was so sweet!
Halfway through the day, I began to get an uneasy feeling that I just couldn’t shake. I was physically fine; there was just something that felt wrong. Long story short? The next day my husband and I would stare in shock at the little screen that showed us our baby’s still heart. Our little one was in heaven, and had been for some time; my body was just in denial.
About 25% of you reading this know exactly how that felt. I was caught off guard, and the loss and grief left me nearly incapacitated for that first week or two. It’s a blur really; I only remember details through the blog I kept, other than the all too clear memories of waking in the night and being confused by my dreams that the whole thing had been a nightmare. I would believe for just a moment that everything was fine, only to have my mind clear a bit and realize that the nightmare was real, and my dream was an illusion. I would go to bed crying and wake up in the morning either still crying or crying again; I don’t really know which, even now.
But even then, in the midst of pain I had never experienced before and was unequipped to handle, God was with me. I clung to Him relentlessly, and He is the reason that I look at the approaching year-mark of what you would think would be an entirely sad day with some sweet tenderness in my heart. Because, you see, I also see it as a sort of ‘birthday’ for me.
Because on that day, when a big chunk of my heart died, something else was set into motion. I smile as I look back at the words I wrote only 2 days after finding out our baby was gone: “He promises to heal my heart and to comfort me as I mourn this precious child I will never know. He promises me beauty for these ashes, to trade me the oil of Joy for my mourning, and the garment of praise for this spirit of heaviness that threatens to suffocate me sometimes. I believe Him. I don’t know what that looks like, and this hurts like hell, but I believe that He can make this beautiful somehow.
So why would I put my guts out here for anyone who wanders by on the internet to see? Because you will see God here. You just watch and see what He does in me. I’m a freaking wreck right now, and you’re going to see the good, bad, and the ugly as I walk through this; but I know that at the end you will see something beautiful created of these broken, splintered, shards of my heart. I just know it. And that is all that holds me together.”
I only half believed it at the time … but I wanted to believe it, and I think that was good enough for Him. Every time I cried out to Him, He heard me and held me, wherever I was. He took the wreckage, the shards of my heart, and fashioned them into something stronger and more beautiful than before. Stronger, because I know that when He says He will walk through the Valley of the Shadow Death with me, I know it’s true. Because I walked it with him; well, it was more like being half-carried, really. More beautiful because, step by step, He was there with me. He took my anger and hopelessness, and the moments where I was not at all a nice and tidy Christian; His love for me never wavered. He never condemned me when I had temper tantrums and fits of self-pity. I never felt him raise His eyebrows at me when the only words I could find to describe what I felt were of the four-lettered variety. He just wrapped me in comfort and said, “I know, baby, I know.” When I cried because it just wasn’t fair, I felt Him agree, and catch my tears.
I know the strength of my God like never before. I know the beauty of having felt Him gently restore my heart, and the certainty of knowing that not one of my tears fell unnoticed. He wasn’t impatient, or wondering when I would get it together. Going though something tragic is never fun (let alone doing it twice; we lost a second baby only 3 ½ months later), but He never leaves us in that place; if we allow Him, He will draw us forward into healing and restoration. I fell in love with my Jesus like I had only ever heard people talk about.
I don’t know what form of loss you might be dealing with today. Maybe you’re walking through a season of financial difficulty that is lasting far longer than you ever imagined it would. Maybe you’re dealing with sickness or cancer in yourself or in a loved one. Maybe you’re left holding a broken heart in the aftermath of divorce. Perhaps you find yourself broken because of your own choices, and have the added fight with condemnation to deal with. Whatever it might be, I just want to encourage you to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to keep letting Christ catch every tear. Tell Him how you feel (He already knows), and let Him begin to heal your heart
If you’ll risk it, I can promise you that you will see beauty. Someday you’ll look back at a ‘birthday’ of your own. Don’t get me wrong; a year ago if offered the choice between the growth that would happen in me or my baby, I would have definitely chosen my baby. God didn’t do this to me so that I would grow; it’s the enemy who comes to steal from us. But God is SO good that if we let Him, He will take all things and make them beautiful.
I found another little quote of mine from a few days after my surgery that followed finding out our baby was gone. I said, “I feel like the pile of glass that may someday become a stained glass window. A bunch of broken pieces, but it will be beautiful when the light shines through. I know it’s coming, but right now I’m still the pile.”
I am so thankful for the faithfulness of our God; that I can say to you today, “I’m not the pile anymore.” He did what I had hoped, but at the time was almost afraid to believe would really happen. He took those broken pieces of me, and made them into something stronger and more beautiful than before. (So take that Satan. Steal from us, and we’ll come out stronger than ever. But I digress.) If you’ve been shattered and broken take heart – if you’ll surrender those shards to Him, then bit-by-bit and day-by-day, He’ll make a masterpiece of you. One day, you will look at yourself, and have that moment of realization:
He really did it. He’s really who He says He is. I’m not the pile anymore.
Incredible perspective from the Father. Thank you for sharing, Melissa!
M, this post is exactly what I have always admired most about you…you are pretty much you. In conversation, in ministry, and hanging out there for the whole internet to wander by and see. You represent so well what I often think it means to worship in Spirit and Truth… when the truth of where you are collides with His truth, shattered glass…becomes stained glass…LOVE your honesty. And BTW I have yet to meet a nice and tidy Christian. Keep it up M!
I completely relate. I lost my baby on April 26 four years ago. My husband and I call it our "Faith Day" because of how our faith has been built since then. After our loss, I never dreamed that we could celebrate our baby's life, but God redeemed that horrific day and made it beautiful.
Melissa, You wrote so perfectly what is in my heart! Thank you for being you!!
Amazing article Melissa. Such a tenderness and softness in your heart , but at the same time incredible power has mounted in your soul…and I can tell it is the deep abiding kind that can't be shaken. Praise the Lord. I'm sharpened by your real-life faith. Bless you pretty lady! xo
In the midst of such sorrow, such beauty. I am so sorry for your loss, but so grateful for your gain.
"I clung to Him relentlessly…". I love those words. I have been in that spot more than once in my lifetime, and He, somehow, continues to make beauty from the ashes of our lives.
"He’ll make a masterpiece of you"
How true. Beautiful words, Mel.
Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone in how I had to cling to the Lord to walk something through. He definitely brings joy in the morning and is turning ashes into beauty.
Beautiful, heartfelt, transparent sharing……thank you.
I understand completely, and for those of us who have experienced such loss, the dates are forever branded in our mind. I rejoice that one day we with both meet our precious little ones in Heaven, complete and whole! I know this will minister to someone who's loss is very fresh. Thank you for sharing!
Mel, thank you so much for sharing your heart, brought tears to my eyes knowing that even when we are in the midst of pain and we cant see any light, that He is there with us…
That when we are facing those hardships in our life if we cling to Him and allow Him to bind up our wounds and bandage all those broken areas in our heart we will see the light, the goodness that comes from Him. Like you said:
One day, you will look at yourself, and have that moment of realization: He really did it. He’s really who He says He is.
Beautiful! I am still a pile if I let me self think about last year but this is such a beautiful reminder of why I should open up and let God heal me
You are a masterpiece, friend. Beautiful.
"He just wrapped me in comfort and said, “I know, baby, I know.” When I cried because it just wasn’t fair, I felt Him agree, and catch my tears"…..BEAUTIFUL…I am sure He caught mine as I read this!
AMAZING! I love You!
Beautiful. Only God can take our shattered pieces, and then make something so artistic and beautiful as His light then shines through in a new, striking way. Truly you have been broken, but His glory is shining through. May the Lord restore your hope and answer all your prayers.
Melissa, I can totally relate. We had a stillbirth in September. Our daughter Ella had died in the third trimester. It's interesting that i read this today because tears have began to flow just this evening as i remember her. I am still a pile of broken pieces. We actually lost our twins in January as well. But, what i've learned is that when my grip feels weak, when my breathe taken from my lungs, my body unable to find the strength to get up off the floor, i then realize His grip is stronger, His breathe overtaking, His strength more enabling. My greatest treasure in this tragedy is that I know HIM. Not just about Him, but HE, HIMSELF. Thank you for sharing your heart. It was an encouragement to me tonight.
Thank you Melissa, for sharing your heart with us. His words through you ministered to me.
Beautiful-I've had some losses in my life…and like you said, God really does take our pain and create something beautiful-stronger out of them. I love your writing. You have a beautiful heart that reflects God's Glory in your life. Nadelle
What a fiercely beautiful woman you are. God is faithful and what a faithful heart you have.
Thank you for being so transparent and sharing something so very intimate. I am going thru a particularly tough trial and your post encouraged me to keep on and to be transparent with my testimony when I am through.
Blessings….many blessings.
Melissa… Thank you for your story.. Love how He makes everything beautiful in His time. Something I learned thru my own loss. Loved your word picture transformation from a pile to a stained glass window!
Melissa, I remember reading your blog last year and crying over your loss. The pain you experienced was palpable through your writing. I just know this post is going to bless soooo many women! I know it has blessed me:) Keep on writing…there is such beauty in your words!!
Beautiful post. Thankful for a God who is near and who makes beauty from ashes.
Powerful. Beautiful. I am lost for words.
Love your mosaic heart!
~Maree
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart and being so transparent. I love the reminder that beauty will come from the ashes. I'm about to experience a similar anniversary, although my baby went to heaven under different circumstances. I am daily grateful to my Lord for how He continues to shower me with His love and grace, healing my heart and turning my grief into joy.
Just now reading this Melissa, but I so admire your courage and devotion and how REAL and raw you are…and reminding us that our God comforts us where we are. Thank you for sharing sweet one!
I praise God for carrying you through. I experienced my greatest time of loss with you and I am thankful how you did not reject me in my brokeness but would sing beauty for ashes over me and encourage me to do the same. I am thankful you moved me to dance and trade a garment of heaviness for a spirit of praise…Jesus in you is a light to the nations! I cried with you and now I will rejoice with you. Thank you for letting me love on your baby Michael…