It was one of those phone calls you never want to get. My sister asked me to pull the car over because she had some bad news to tell me. My heart and mind raced as I drove the half mile to my house. As soon as my car hit the driveway, I redialed her number.
“Pam, Art passed away today.” My brother had suffered a heart attack at age 39.
“No. No. No.” I moaned. My mind couldn’t accept it. My little brother? My only brother….gone? My 10-year old daughter cried with me as I absorbed the news. I had so few words and many, many tears. I leaned heavily on my husband as I walked about in a fog that day.
Within hours I was on a plane to go and be with my family. For the next 5 days time stopped for us, even as we planned a viewing, a funeral, and a burial. There were many moments of quiet ponderings in the midst of receiving condolences from friends and family and making decisions about what to do with his possessions.
It was all surreal, and yet I felt a primal need to say goodbye to the body my brother no longer occupied. My heart broke to watch my niece and nephew say goodbye to their Dad—he loved them both so much. I found myself protecting and nurturing my own mother as she lost her only son and youngest child. I was thankful for the quiet strength of my Dad. I’m glad that I didn’t miss a single moment of grieving with my family.
About a month later my real grieving set in. How can we be built for eternity yet become so distraught when a loved one actually enters the afterlife? I had the questions of the “hows” and “whys”. I felt the regret of wishing I had loved Art better. I received comfort in believing that my brother entered eternity prepared to meet his Creator. There were moments that I didn’t want to leave my house or talk to anyone, followed by a desperate need for someone to listen. I’m so thankful for my husband, my sisters, and my friends who helped me through.
I found a sticking point in the grief, a place where I thought I might drown. Yes, I was grieving the loss of his life, but I was also grieving the brokenness of his life. My brother had struggled with drug and alcohol addictions for most of his adult life. He followed the cyclical pattern of being up, then down, then up, then down. He had spent time in rehabilitation treatment centers. He was a skilled, hard worker and was usually liked by his bosses, but he found and lost many jobs. His marriages failed. His health deteriorated because he abused his body. He desperately wanted to dream and build a better future for himself and his children, but he never could get free from the chains that bound him.
I have no desire to dishonor my brother. There were things I admired about him, and I told him so. He really loved his children and wanted to be a good Dad to them. He had a good mind and an amazingly sharp memory. In his unguarded moments, he showed a deep capacity to care. He and I shared a love of the outdoors. I loved him, and I still do. That’s why the grief was so overwhelming. I found myself crying out, “Lord, why couldn’t he get free?”
About 3 years before he died, Art had committed his life to Christ. Driven by desperation, he came to that place of admitting he couldn’t make it on his own, and that God was his only hope. It’s really the same place we all come to when we enter the kingdom of God. I am beyond glad that he made that decision. We had many phone conversations about grace and how we grow in our faith and the love of God. I loved hearing him talk about his trust in God. My brother had a glimpse of eternity, and that made all the difference.
Art continued to struggle. At times I didn’t know how to help him other than to love and encourage and support when he needed it. His health got worse, but I never realized he was at risk. Then he died.
So a few months after he died, I was stuck in grief. I couldn’t understand why God hadn’t helped him get free. I was angry and disappointed. I know there are some logical answers to my question, but grief isn’t logical. I didn’t ask the question with my fist raised, but with my heart broken, searching for hope.
And my merciful God answered my question. It actually kind of shocked me because I wasn’t expecting an answer at that moment. I was sitting at my kitchen table, writing in my journal, and He answered my question with a question:
“Can you not see that it was my mercy that brought him home early?”
In that instant, my grief was settled. Yes, I still miss Art. Yes, I’m crying even as I write this. But when God spoke, the hopelessness of the grief lifted from my heart.
Now, a year later, I still can’t explain His answer in my theology. I can’t draw any big general conclusions about how God heals or doesn’t heal, about how He decides who will live or die or when or why. He is God. In His kindness, He spoke to me in my grief.
In His kindness, He cut short my brother’s suffering. Art no longer has heart problems or stomach problems or bad teeth. He is no longer tormented by the demons of addiction and all that goes with it. He is no longer trapped in the frustrating cycle of trying to get his life together.
As I try to imagine Art at home in heaven, I see a humble smile of gratitude on his face. I see a countenance completely at peace as he hangs out with the Prince of Peace. I see a healed man, who is living on more than a glimpse of eternity. I see my younger brother (whom I used to love to race on bike or foot) who says, “Haha, this time I beat you!”
“For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life.” 2 Corinthians 5:4
I don’t know why you people insist on making me cry every other day?!
“Haha, this time I beat you!” That line did me in…I am officially a mess.
God is so gracious. He does what is best for each of us without regard for how angry it may make others of us. So unlike me, walking around trying to please everyone and in the end failing to love each one the best. If that makes sense.
I have lost my mother in law, my younger cousin, and a baby in my womb, so I know what it’s like to question God. But I never question his goodness, his eternal love and his mercy. Just like you, I have had to walk through the grieving process, getting stuck a few times, but in the end have had a deeper revelation of his mercy on those he welcomed home before me. And now I feel a greater connection to my home in eternity, knowing my cousin is free from the pain that kept him coming back to drugs, and my mother-in-law is holding my baby named after her beloved daddy, Jack. The pain my heart suffered from their departure has served as not only a reminder that this world is not my home, but a longing to be with Jesus in the safety of heaven where I won’t ever have to experience that kind of hurt again. But for now, I am on a mission to bring that same hope I have to everyone around me.
Thank you for the beautiful blog and the cry…I needed it. xoxox
Wow! Blown away….I had to read this in two settings because of the tears….I, too, am a sister with a beloved older brother in the midst of struggle…as I was reading, it felt like you were describing my Todd, whom I love, admire, and pray fervently for. My brother is still in the battle, but I KNOW that God’s Glory will be revealed in Todd, either here in this life or in heaven and I’m thankful for that peace. Thank you, Pam, for sharing your heart and God’s heart with us….I have been encouraged and am so thankful for the reminder today of God’s graciousness, kindness, and mercy towards his children.
Pam, What a beautiful tribute to your brother. I love you for sharing such a personal story. It’s given me a new perspective.
Beautiful, Pam! What a great reminder that all of life…the good and the bad offer us opportunities to dive deeper and simply accept, by faith, that God is good…all the time! Thanks for sharing!
oh man, that was beautiful, brought me to tears.
I really appreciate the surrender in your message…what a life lesson.
thank you
I lost my first loved one last year, my step-dad whom treating me like his own through my lifetime. The grieving process is different for everyone and I love how you talked so candidly about the anger you had for God in taking your brother so young and still in a great battle. I too couldn’t grasp why my step-dad was taken from us at age 53 with his son and my mother left to pick up the pieces. But God does wonderful things in the midst of deep grieving in our family. He gives us hope. He gave our family new life, my firstborn daughter six months after my step-dad passed away. It helped all of us get through the grieving process and a chance to smile and see that God does love us. Thank you for being so real and touching my heart. It truly blessed me and gave me a chance to remember the good moments of my step-dad.
Thank you Pam for sharing your heart. I too have a son who has fought with drugs and is right now in jail because of it. I keep his picture on my computer and look at him every day. My heart is broken because of his life. He too fights to get free from this bondage. Life is so hard at times that I want to question God why just as you did. I know that Papa is Faithful and that He is with my son even now! Thanks!!!!
Aside from my grandmother who passed last year at the long-lived age of 81, I have not experienced the death of a family member – especially a death that causes you to question “why now?”. So, it is hard for me to empathize with you on this specific level. But, I do understand from a different perspective where loss was endured, questions of why were asked and a permanent earthly separation was the result.
In my situation, God also spoke to my grief as He did yours. Do His words always answer all of our questions? No. But then I don’t think all of our questions ever are.
God brought His peace to your heart in a way that only He could. What a sweet God we serve.
Thank you for sharing this piece of your life with us.
Pam, I just recently was introduced to this website and am consistently moved by the stories that are shared in these blogs. Today hit home for me on so many levels. I have lost my mother and father and a baby and those experiences brought me so much closer to God. His purpose for things that happen in life is amazing to see even though we can not understand it while in the midst of enduring those trials. This past weekend I was blessed to watch my hubby turn 50 years old while surrounded by a family that had not been all together in over 14 years. It was quite a site to see and it made me realize, as did many of them, life is too short not to open your arms and welcome all the opportunities that God gives us to be with our loved ones. I am so glad your brother knew Christ and you have that comfort of knowing you will share eternity with him. Blessings to you and thank you for your blog today.
Dear friend–I feel like I’m actually walking this with you now–as opposed to last year when I was actually watching you walk it. What a commanding story of love for your brother and Maker. I love that God continues to heal and restore your broken heart~m
ps- I love that you are my friend
Ladies, thanks for the sweet encouragement and sharing your stories as well.
Tricia and Shirley, don’t stop hoping or praying or loving them!
Pam, thank you for sharing, I really needed to hear your story today.
Pam,
Your words are powerful. The loss of a loved one is so hard.
I especially loved the way you see him now, what a reminder of how short life is and how long eternity will be!!!!!!!
What an honor is was to walk beside you during this difficult time in your life.
Love and Blessings,
Kathy Specht
Pam,
I feel a kindredness to this piece knowing the struggles your brother knew. Knowing in total assurance the minute he enter the environment of perfect peace profound healing took place in His heart. And in God’s abundant mercy profound healing is continuing to take place in your heart as His words wash over it. Thanks for the courage of this piece. There is a fierceness in God wrapped in mature kindness happening with you … it’s way cool!
Great Love!
~Ris
Mom-
I’m so proud of you for writing about this! I know it wasn’t easy and it took a lot of courage. Thank you. We all love and miss uncle Art, and reading this definitely made me cry, but it also helped give me a new perspective. I loved how you talked about him being in heaven now, completely healed and at peace. I love you and i couldn’t have asked for a better mom!
love,
nae
I am changed in reading your beautiful gift of our brother’s story! I was eight when my Father was taken to heaven after a grueling year long battle with cancer and we all thought Jesus would heal him! He was our rock and my mom was the abused and therefore abusive one! Yet, she led us to follow Jesus and I remember asking, “Why, why, why?” each time not only from the pain of missing him in my heart came, but when life was cruel because of his absence! I would almost rather not share my name because the darkness of physical and emotional abuse, estrangement from his side of the family, and being forced to live in a household with a step parent who sexually abused my dear little brother was beyond understanding to me! All I knew is I would make it out one day, yet still I learned that escaping all of that meant walking back through it with Him in His healing and realizing the beauty of that is what gave me beauty that He uses today! It’s easy to see that no, but not in the storm! Not at all, but He just taught me to keep looking up at Him while I walked a fine tight rope! Your story still shows me that I should embrace my brothers as much as possible while I have today with them! They are not unscathed from the battle either and reflect that in many ways that makes it easier to look away than remember where their acting out comes from! I just realized, that God still desires for me to be here for them and embrace them as He calls me!! Thank you for reminding me that not one is promised tomorrow and we have to seize every one of them! I am praising Him for such a beautiful realization!! Thank you!
Pam~ Thank you for sharing your story about your brother. I know it must have been very hard and freeing all at the same time. I lost my mom 9 years ago, she was only 45 and still wonder if I’ve grieved properly! She was an alcoholic and also had a lifetime of abusing her body. Thank you for bringing a glimpse of Heaven in regards to our loved ones- this world is truly not our home. Blessings, Celeste
Pam-Reading your story touched my heart deeply. My brother-in-law passed away suddenly in January after enduring similar struggles as your brother. He was only 37. God gave me the same message that he gave you. He was being merciful in allowing him to leave his torturous life here for a glorious life with his Savior. Tomorrow would have been his 38th birthday. Thank you for re-affirming God’s word to me. God bless you!
Pam, you have no idea how this touches me! Beautifully written!
Pam, I had no idea. I loved Art like a brother for many years. Most of my fondest childhood memories include him and your family. Please accept my condolences and prayers. Dave Harvey
I really enjoyed reading this, Pam. Thank you for keeping his memory alive.