Steppin’ Out of the Box and Onto A Limb
posted on September 4th, 2009 / by Pam Mueller / 25 CommentsI stepped outside the box the other day. I stepped so far out that I surprised myself. I bought a bikini. The shock of this is that I haven’t worn a bikini in over 30 years. Well over 30 years. I can’t remember exactly when I last wore a bikini, so I’ll lay it out plainly. I’m in my 40s, and I bought a bikini. I stepped outside my age box when I bought a bikini.
If you live in a beach culture or European or Latin or Australian culture, you might say, “So what? What took you so long? Why would you wear anything but a bikini?” I don’t live in any of those cultures. I live in middle America, in the Bible belt, and I am planted firmly in conservative church culture. I stepped outside my cultural box when I bought a bikini.
Then there is the whole issue of body image. After so many years of covering up, I feel exposed in a bikini. When I went to try on swimsuits, I looked in the mirror and could only see the flaws in my body, like the places where my abdomen will never completely regain its shape after four babies. I’ll spare you the rest of the details, but you get the picture. I stepped outside my body image box when I bought a bikini.
This story is not about the bikini. It’s not about my boxes. It’s about the fact that I stepped outside the box and why.
It all began about a month ago with channel surfing one evening. We stumbled across the show “Marriage Today”. Jimmy Evans was talking about how romance in marriage thrives when spouses learn to speak each others’ love language. The wife needs to learn to speak the language of “man”, and the husband needs to speak “woman”.
When the man learns to speak “woman”, it goes something like this: “Honey, let’s sit and talk. I want to listen to you and understand you. Let’s talk about our feelings.” He is attending to the communication needs of his wife. When the woman learns to speak “man” she says things like, “Hubba hubba, baby! Have I got big, sexy plans for you when you come home tonight!” To a man, this communicates love.
Fast forward a week or two from the TV show to when Mark and I began preparing for our beach trip, just the two of us, no children. He started talking about buying me a bikini. Of course I laughed and inwardly said, “Whatever.” I had no intention of buying a bikini. I was very comfortable inside all my boxes, thank you very much.
The man I love doesn’t give up easily. He mentioned the bikini several times and even got our daughters involved. They started asking me, ‘Mom, if Dad buys you a bikini, will you wear it?” Then one day on the way to church—the place where you try to be honest before God and man—he revealed his ultimate plot. Mark jokingly said, “You and me at the beach, baby, I’ll wear a Speedo and you can wear a bikini.” Images of European men in skimpy swimsuits flashed through my head, and I placed my husband in a box, thinking, “Yeah, that’s not happening.” So I met his challenge and laughingly said, “OK, honey, if you wear a Speedo, I’ll wear a bikini.”
Famous last words. He triumphantly came to me later in the day and showed me his new swimsuit we bought the day before: black, to the knees, white Hawaiian flowers, Speedo tag, plain as day. Dang! How was I going to work myself out of that hole? My resolve began to wear down, but I still wasn’t ready to try on any bikinis.
A few days later I overheard a couple of my friends talking about bikinis as we were chatting after our prayer group meeting. Yes, a couple of praying, bikini-wearing, church ladies! On some level I knew they might side with my husband, but I plunged in anyway and told them of the bikini debate at my house. They got excited and even offered to go shopping with me. One of them said, “You have a great body for a bikini!” In less than five minutes, these friends had torn the lid off of all three of my boxes: church ladies, one of them a bikini-wearer my age (who looks great in a bikini), the other telling me I had a great body for a bikini (who also looks great in a bikini.)
At this point my thinking shifted from “Whatever!” to “Well…maybe?” I told Mark about the conversation at dinner that night, and he offered to drive me to Kohl’s right then. He continued to offer over the next couple of days. He was genuinely excited about it. I made the decision to touch my toe outside the box. I called my bikini-wearing girlfriend who is my age and has also had four babies, and we went shopping. All the while, I explained that I may or may not buy one; I was just willing to try them on!
Once I began to step outside the box, it wasn’t that difficult. I found a conservative bikini that I felt comfortable in, and Mark loved it! It was uncomfortable at first, but I bought a bikini because I wanted to speak “man” to my husband. We had a great beach trip where we spoke lots of “man” and “woman”.
Yes, I’m squirming a little to make that last statement on the world wide web of blogging. But we do live in a world that contains sexual abuse, sexual perversion and sexual obsession. I think it’s important to celebrate and learn about healthy sexuality in marriage.
If we go back to God’s original design for marriage, we can see that sex is an intricate part of the design. When God created Eve, Adam’s response (my paraphrase) was: “This is it! I’ve found my perfect match! I’m going to spend the rest of my life being one with her.” His instinctual response was sexual—he wanted to be one flesh with her. He even prophesied over marriages to come that the desire for oneness would drive a man and woman to leave their parents and cling to each other. (I wish the story included Eve’s response. Surely she thrilled at being passionately admired for her beauty.) Genesis chapter 2 in the Bible tells us that “The man and woman were both naked, and they felt no shame.” After God had created everything (including man and woman and marriage with sex), He saw that it was good. Sex is good!
Yet in our imperfect world sometimes sex in marriage is not good. Our reality doesn’t match God’s design. There are many reasons why a couple may have trouble with intimacy in marriage. My bikini story had a happy ending, but it hasn’t always been easy. There have been times when we have struggled in our sex life. (Don’t worry. I’m not going to give you Too Much Information.) I just want to put it out there that it’s OK to admit our struggle in this area. Just like in other areas of our life, if we are having trouble, we can find help. We can call a friend, read a book, go to the doctor, or attend a conference. We can pray and ask God to help us. He is so good and faithful to help us when we ask Him.
I’ve listed a few resources below for anyone who might need them. I know there are many others, so readers, please include your favorites in your comments!
Books:
Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman
Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat, M.D. and Gaye Wheat
So now I have stepped out of my box and out onto a limb by opening up this private topic. Yet as Will Rogers put it, “Why not go out on a limb? That’s where the fruit is.” Just don’t ask me to get out on that limb in my bikini.
Pam, that was a amazing and really brave to put it all out there! I know I have my own boxes and I think the hardest thing right now is realizing where they are, sometimes it’s so hard to see yourself clearly.
thanks so much for that great blog! I loved it!
What a wonderful example of a Godly woman you are, Pam. This was beautiful on so many levels. You expressed your heart wonderfully and your words will no doubt cause many to step out of their boxes into new levesl of freedom and confidence. Thanks for sharing…now where are the pix ; p hehehe
I’m so happy for thus post! And so are all the secret man readers! As the “other” bikini wearer, I am so proud of you for stepping out. The tan alone is worth it for me. I don’t have any other resources, but I do always yell my husband that he should write a book!
btw, I now know who will be giving my kids their sex talk in a few years. Your perfect for the job! All kidding aside, pardon my immaturity, this is seriously a much needed blog. I hope others are brave enough to comment. I knew Melissa would.
Way to go Baby.
Next year…Scuba!
You are the best, and the love of my life!
It’s nice to hear church ladies talking about issues like this. It’s not a taboo topic! I think many women will be relieved that you opened up the discussion.
Earlier this year our pastor did a great series on sexual intimacy based on the book Red Hot Monogamy. I haven’t read it yet, but I plan to!
I love it and I’ve told you so! If Pam can blow lids off boxes so can I!!! I am so encouraged and inspired by how brave you allowed your heart to be first and then the rest followed! You and Mark are great examples of keeping a marriage alive and fun! We ALL need those kind sof examples thanks for sharing and stepping out of the box so we can too!
Great Love!
~Ris
I have to admit that you had me going on a different trail in the beginning of this blog. I thought the moral of the story would be “to not be afraid to step out of your box, whatever that may be.” But then you threw in your twist and took us on the hubba hubba journey and into man and woman speak.
You ventured into a subject that too many people still whisper [s-e-x] when we should be shouting about it from the rooftops and talking about openly in marriage. You’ve prompted within me an idea, which I won’t disclose here because it would be TMI.
Here’s to more bikini moments in marriage!
I don’t know you, but i feel like i do. Rebecca loves and raves about you. This was a totally awesome blog! I’m in year 3 of my marriage and I’m just learning to speak “man” talk. And i have for sure struggled in some of those areas! Thank you for being honest and helping me be honest with myself!
Sarah
I’ve read all of these posts (fyi, awesome stuff ladies!)..and go figure, this one really spoke to me!! It seems so much of the time, husbands and wives are not allowed to appreciate each other, the way that they should be. If you grew up in the ultra conservative world that I did…things like bikini’s and making a husband happy with they way you look, wasn’t important. The funny thing is, I didn’t get it from my Mom!! I’m the oldest of five, and distinctly remember her getting all dressed up, nails painted, hair curled for “date nights” with my Dad. They were never secretive of the fact that they appreciated one another, not just as partners, but as attractive human beings. I honestly don’t know where all the bizarre boundaries I thought were considered “godly” came from, but they definitely affected my marriage. In my head, marriage meant he loved me regardless of how I looked…so I didn’t have to try. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t run around in sweats all day with no make-up, but I did have problems with him looking at me not just lovingly, but as a sexual being. Granted, being married takes some serious adjustments…but I thought the fact that he found me attractive that way was “wrong”. What I didn’t know was that I was wrong…we were and ARE creatures made to enjoy intimacy…not just in the bedroom, but in all facets of our lives!! I really believe that had I allowed myself to be comfortable with him that way, it would’ve helped in so many areas of our marriage. I am SO glad you were able to step out of your “box” and that your sweet husband left you the comment earlier…I mean, come on ladies, how many of your hubbies do that?!? Your honesty has blessed me so much today…thank you
Woohoooo! You go, Pam! I loved your article!!!!
This is GREAT! Loved what u’ve written…… I’m buried in my box…..and need to start creeping out bit by bit……U r amazing and Im blessed knowing u.
Pam, I have always thought you were great and now this blog….WOW!!! It is awesome and such an important subject…handled oh, so well! Wonder if a “do over” is possible!”
Great post! My husband loves for me to wear my teeny weeny bikini (and sometimes nothing at all) when we are alone on the boat. The one person I can be naked & secure with is my husband. We have learned alot from Jimmy Evans’ ministry; God is healing marriages left & right through them!
You girls ROCK!! The very gifts that are the most beautiful, amazing, and creatively miraculous, Satan tries to ruin and obliterate! Love and oneness are pictures of the Father and His desire for us! Only in Him have I begun to decipher what definitions I have of sex are from Him and which ones come from other sources! We were created to desire being pursued and they were created to crave us physically and what better way to keep us in union?! Although they sometimes interpret that in “special” man ways, it’s actually pretty great that they need us! I love your story and how much you love your soulmate to give him love he speaks!! Your realness and transparency touches my heart and begs the question, “How can I give my husband the gift of his love language?!” I too, am self conscious no matter what my current size and have never felt hot enough for bikini’s! I did wear one six years ago to the beach per Ryan’s request, but I’d love to feel comfortable enough to just give all the stupid self preserving issues to God and wear that bikini in confidence! I do not have the key to that one yet!;)
I love this! I was just having “one of those” conversations this morning with my sweet husband about how different we are in our needs! Although, many days after sheer exhaustion from nursing a baby girl and keeping up with 3 boys I secretly pray that God would just give him the desire to “just hold each other” (and nothing more) I know that this is not how he was made! And who am I to try and change something that a perfect and loving God has made?! Thanks for encouraging me and reminding me to step outside the box and not pray for God to change him but for God to give me more energy!
Ladies, thanks so much for commenting. I am learning so much from your responses–wish I could address each one! Thanks for the encouragement and being transparent about your own challenges. You have given me so much to continue thinking about…I love it!
Pam, this is an excellent blog! Thank you so much for sharing.
This topic has been on my heart for ages, about how important sex is in marriage. Thanks for sharing. So many of us need to be reminded that our bodies are gifts that we give to ours husbands the day we say our vows, & they are not meant to be put up on the shelf to collect dust.
Great blog! It’s kind of funny. My hubby and are of the opposite of you two. I would buy a bikini…today, But my hubby’s a little more on the conservative side so I think he would rather I keep a one piece! :}
I am sitting next to my husband in a coffeehouse, telling him about this blog. He LOVES the idea! I just haven’t been able to balance pleasing my husband and being a conservative Christian woman. But after reading this I realize I need to take my cue’s from my husband, because that’s how Christ set things up. So thanks for breaking me out of my box. (My husband thanks you too!)
I KNEW I shouldn’t have stepped out of that prayer meeting! Oh the things I could have learned! Thanks for sharing–I love the details and just think, this year you bought a bikini-maybe next year Mark will buy a REAl speedo-ahahahahhahahahh! Can’t wait! love~m
I so enjoyed this read. Pam you are such a woman of grace and power. Thanks for reminding me that boxes are often self imposed and that pleasing my husband is more important than keeping the lid on my box! You are graceful and wise. Please keep sharing. Love, Jan
Well Pam, I knew this would be a “hot” topic to discuss and I love the dialogue it has stimulated. Many more women will find freedom in their sexuality when we realize it is O.K. to talk about it and enjoy it.
Before each vacation my husband and I express two things we want the other one to do for us while we are away. Several times I have bought a sexy nighty to wear to fulfill his desires. Once, just before we went on a cruise he took dance lessons for me, so he could fulfill my desire to dance with him in the middle of the ocean on a ship under the moon light. In fulfilling these little desires of our men we gain and keep their heart to ourselves. It speaks volumes of words of love to them just like the little things they do “just for us” speaks to our hearts.
I am thankful my husband wants to see me as the “sexy lady” in his life, it assures me he’s not looking somewhere else to find her.
Pam, thank you for being so revealing about your bikini dilemma and for opening up the box on the truth about healthy sexual intimacy created for us to enjoy.
Excellent post, from an amaxing lady!
Pamuella!
So famous.
I came to read because of the fame of this post
Thank you for such honest and wise advice. You speak “man” very well! I may just put on a bikini tonight when the hubs gets home, just for kicks.
I love the observations from Genesis about Adam wanting to become “one flesh” the instant he saw Eve. So sex is a holy and ordained act after all?! My hubs was right all this time… Ha!