So there was this little girl. What she wanted more than anything else was to belong, to know that she fit in. But she didn’t know the right things to say or do and she liked odd, out of fashion clothes. The things that she thought were funny made the other kids scratch their heads and wonder if there was something wrong with her. Besides having strange clothes and an off beat sense of humor she had strange hobbies too- crocheting, baking bread from scratch, puppetry (you know, like sesame street puppets), and she read big novels like Gone with the Wind like other kids read comic books. There’s nothing actually wrong with any of those things but they’re not exactly normal for a sixth grader and the other kids made fun of her mercilessly.
She changed schools from the small private school to a small public school and it just got worse. She tried so hard to make a good impression and when that failed she tried lying about whatever might make her seem cooler to the other kids, but that also failed miserably and now she was a known liar in addition to being weird. While riding the bus home after another horrible day of being mocked at every turn she promised herself that someday she would fit in. No matter what she had to do. She would belong no matter who she had to be.
She was on a conscious mission to bury everything about her self and become someone better. She learned to say the right things and like the right things. She listened to the right music and watched the same shows as the kids at school. She left her big books at home and groaned with the rest of the class when her teacher assigned Les Miserables in English class. She found a niche and a little group of friends and when the day came several years later when it was another girl being quite literally rejected for being different she didn’t do anything. She just stood there quietly, and didn’t say a word. She was mostly just glad it wasn’t her. The shame came later when she tried to go to sleep that night.
Years later when she became a Christian and she carried the same principle into her new life. Go with the flow. Don’t rock the boat. Be a good little Christian. Show up to bible study. Have a safe prayer request. Go on a mission’s trip. Keep it all together. Fake it ‘til you make it.
She joined Youth With A Mission and was in class one of the first days doing some ice -breaker where you fill out a paper with things about yourself. Favorite color, favorite band, where would you go if you could go anywhere, do anything, had a million dollars, etc. etc. But as she stared at the small paper filled with simple questions she started to panic. She had spent the last 8 years giving whatever answer was right for the audience, being whatever persona fit the situation. In that small classroom for that silly activity there was no right answer to give and she realized she didn’t even know what her favorite color was anymore. She tried to figure out what color would be best- pink, for the girly cute girl; red, the bold assertive girl; blue, the tomboy; purple, not so girly but still feminine when suddenly she scrawled black. Not because she was going to be the artsy girl or the hardcore girl or the quirky girl but because … she liked black. It was a start.
She’s not alone, though her choice to become someone “better” was more conscious than most. Many of us reject who we are, pieces of who we were created to be in favor of what we think people will respond to. We try to hide our flaws and rough patches so people will like us better, think we are a good Christian, and look up to us. We say the right things while we do the right things, but the world around us can taste the falseness of our flavor- they are hungry, crying out for REAL. They are dying to see real Christians who are honest about who they are and where they are at while they point to the flawless One.
I was watching Rick Bezet speak last night at Gateway’s First Conference and he was talking about how in past generations God was using people who appeared to have it all together; who had to hide their problems and flaws and appear perfect to those they were ministering to but that’s not how He’s moving anymore. God is working through men and women who are honest and sincere in their lives and in their walk with God. While he was speaking my spirit was saying YES! Yes, we are called to be real! The world around us has changed and we all know life looks more like a bad episode of reality TV than it does the Cleavers.
There is such a beauty in the fact that God uses us where we are, and uses who we are, that He doesn’t wait until we are finished and perfect; He didn’t create us to all look alike and have the same interests. He takes us- quirky, oddball, broken, chipped and cracked though we may be and when He lifts us up and shines His light through us we become a beautiful work of art; a masterpiece to rival any stained glass window in any cathedral in the world.
So yes, anyone who knows me knows I was talking about myself in the story. I am a big HUGE nerd! But that’s ok. I’m good with it now. And I still have issues the Lord is working on with me- I have an ugly temper and I’m fighting major self-image issues. But that’s ok too because He promised me that He is faithful to complete the work He started. And He wants to lift you up- right where you are and shine His light through you; unique and flawed though you are and make you something real, something beautiful.
Melissa,
One of my favorite things about seeing your blog post for the day is that I know I’m going to be treated to something that comes from the core of who you are, not just something you want us to know about you. There is real relevance in that…that sincerity that Rick was talking about Wednesday night. People want to know that Christians are REAL. Heck, other Christians want to know that Christians are real people and have real problems and struggle with real issues.
I believe the major difference between believers and unbelievers is that we can share our struggles and those ugly parts of us that we all have, BUT with the most important twist we have a pair of righteous feet where we can lay those struggles and ask Him to walk us through change…to be the strength we do not possess.
I loved the way your story unfolded. Except for those ultra-confident few who knew WHO they were at a very young age, I’m sure most of us who read this this morning will be able to resonate with where you were–even if just a little bit–and, hopefully, have an outcome similar to yours…being comfortable in our Jesus skin while be become ever more comfortable in our Jesus skin.
Love and Blessings,
Babs
Melissa,
WONDERFUL!!! Thanks for always putting your real self out there!!! Sorry you had to put her away for a while, but it appears to all the rest of us that the real you rocks.
I read this and thought, I can’t wait to share my book with you…especially the parable it is built around. Your post made me think that you will have fun with it.
Beautiful post…
Love it! YOU are beautiful inside and out, just the way you are. Although I don’t know you really well what I see is you being pretty comfortable with being yourself and I know when I see that in others it makes me feel like it is OK for me to do the same. May the Lord bless you on the journey and thank you for being real.
I think we all have our own quirkiness we hope others don’t see at times–especially at that age. I loved your story and the getting comfortable in your Jesus skin! I think a lot of us lose ourselves for many reasons and have a hard time getting back to the basics of what makes us unique. I’ve learned thru the years each of my quirky quirks are really gifts solely for me that make me who I am. Who God sees me as! Loving it and embracing it. Great words you shared!
Mel,
Okay so I totally knew you through “that” stage and I was always in awe of how you could read a novel in a day and make homemade caramel like it was nothing.
Kinda some of my favorite things about you … how your like tre-talented at like EVERYTHING!
Love who you are … with ALL your very REALNESS and gorgeous guts! Thanks for sharing it with the world through your writing!
Proud to call you cousin and with GREAT love,
~Ris
Melissa I read this at 6ish this morning and I LOVED it. I can totally relate especially with the part about saying funny things that no one else gets. Even recently I found myself trying to hide the parts about myself that are sometime criticized until the Lord reminded me that He LIKES those things about me. And when I really thought about it, I realized that I do to. I may never fit the perfect wife and Christian profile, but I know that my husband and my God love me, sometimes in spite of myself, but usually for exactly who I am. Thanks for being real! And thank you for continuing to be an example to me. Love you!
Awesome Girl! You brought a grin to my face…. It’s fun to discover the things we try so hard to forget about ourselves. I love who you are and that God brought you to me!
-Jason
I love reading everyone saying, “I love who you are!” Jesus so loves who we are! Awesome. This brought a smile to my face this morning. Thanks!
I understand that Jr. High is tough on different folks like us
but you are A-MAZING!!! I cannot tell you how often I brag on you and how amazing and creative you are! I pretty much think Proverbs 31 was written about you… as a matter of fact I think there’s a notation at the bottom of the page that says (see M.Aulds)
Love you girl!
This is such a great word!!!!
That is so freeing, isn’t it… just to be able to let out a deep breath and be ourselves. Thank you for posting it. I could really relate.
Love it! Funny to think of you as confused or conflicted. When I look at you I just see an audacious honesty that is so refreshing and makes me want to do whatever it takes to pass that spirit to my daughter! Love you! T.
ROCK on with your bad self!!!! This entry was so liberating for me to read, and can’t imagine the liberation you felt writing it!!!! Thanks for being REAL my sistah’…you bring out the realness in others
Great blog Melissa! Kind of went through something similar when we were first childrens pastors. Very young and tried to be the perfect little wife and example. I tried to make sure I was at the right places and doing the right things. The problem was, I was just different than the mold. And I wanted to break free and be me! A little loud and sometimes I love to talk about taboo subjects, but..I’m me!
And I actually am a better Childrens Pastor and wife because of it! Bless you! 
I actually got this website off of a comment a very sweet girl wrote me on another page. The website was written in below her comment and I followed it here because what she said had touched my soul and in wanting more I followed it and started reading the wonderful stories. This story describes me to a T. My family moved around alot and I was always the new kid. Always hiding in the bathrooms during lunch and getting made fun of constantly! The kids were so cruel. I started at a new Junior High and had been into dancing my whole life. I decided to try out for cheerleader and made it. I thought finally I belong. This is it! Boy was I oh so very wrong! I was now in a group that didn’t want me to be part of. It was like there was a Linsi is the biggest nerd club and I had to be in in and listen to it. No boys ever liked me and the cheerleaders all started a rumor I was a lesbian since I was the only cheerleader without a boyfriend. All 8 of them would gang up on me and say the most hurtful meanest things ever. I wasn’t allowed to sit with them at the back of the bus, I wasn’t allowed to sit with them at lunch it was so bad my mom had to drive me to the games and pick me up because I couldn’t stand riding the bus as they threw things at me or poured water on me or listen to all the mean things they would say. Right before I started High School they changed the boundaries and I was forced to goto a new high school only 15 other students from the entire junior high went with me. It wasn’t as bad but still I rather die than go back to it. I ended up going to early college and Cheering for the local college my senior year. Which was better. I was somewhat part of the group but by this point I was not myself and had molded myself into someone the world thought I should be. On top of it all I had a tough home life. My father was very verbally and physically abusive. (not sexual thank heavens!) but I would get slapped around and constantly put down and yelled at. I ended up becoming close to my cheerleading partner who was 10 years older than me but I didn’t care. He promised me the world and always talked about how happy we were going to be and how much he was going to take care off me. He was LDS and had gone on a mission so my parents loved him instantly since I was having a hard time with the church. He proposed and I happily at 17 accepted. I couldn’t wait to get out of the house I was living in. We were married August of 2002 in the LDS temple. Just after I had graduated high school.
Long story short he ended up being abusive, threatening my life and constantly told me I was no good and what an awful ugly person I was. After 10 months of marriage I found alot of child pornography on the computer. I was so convinced I was going to be alone forever I told him he needed to start counseling. He hadn’t worked a day since we returned home from the honeymoon while I was taking double shifts at the hospital. I made him start counseling and kept on living. Taking it day by day. We started having money trouble (I found out later it was him ordering porn from the TV and internet.) Anyways we moved in with my parents. A month lated I found out he had gotten out of the shower and was masterbating and my little 12 year old sister walked in on him and saw everything and he asked her to help. Once I heard that I was done. I rather be alone than be with a monster.
Living with only a few pairs of clothes and sleeping on the floor back at my parents place. Who had condemed me for divorcing him. Said divorce was wrong and I shouldn’t of divoced him. (He was a master manipulator! He had convinced my parents it was all an accident and I was the awful wife divorcing him over nothing. So on top of everything my family said I was going to hell for divorcing him.
Several months later I moved about an hour away into the city. I got a really nice roomate and loved living on my own! I met Cory the most wonderful man on the face of this earth! I have no doubt he is my soulmate! We were married on May 13, 2005 in Vegas. Since my parents refused to pay for any of it. (I had thrown a perfectly good wedding away once) My dear sweet Cory gave me the wedding of my dreams! He bought my dress and took care of everything! We went on a cruise for our honeymoon and came home to the beautiful house he had bought for me! After 2 years of mairrage I had a Breast Augmentation, something I had wanted my entire life! After the surgery I got sick with what felt like the flu times 100. I was in so much pain and tired all of the time. I saw several doctors and they told me it was nothing, another doctor said it was all in my head. I thought I was going crazy! I was just getting a normal life back and now I was so sick I couldn’t get out of bed! Sweet Cory waited on me hand and foot and took such good care of me. One day I woke up and I was numb from the waist down and in excrusiating pain! Cory carried me out to the car and we flew to the ER. There they said I had neuropathy and fibromyalgia. The doctor said my legs were telling my brain they were getting cut off and I was enduring that pain. I started seeing specialists but my life has never been the same. I spend 15-20 hours a day in bed and am on heavy pain medications. Cory works for Trump University in Real Estate Investing. We want to have a baby so much! He plans on working from home once I get pregnant to help out. But 3 years ago I got the depo shot and havn’t had a period since. So we can’t even try. I have never felt so broken in my entire life. Nothing ever goes as planned, I finally feel like I can be myself. Even though I don’t like who I am. (a lazy person who lives in bed and once every 2 weeks when Cory gets home from working will get up and occassionally go shopping and to dinner with him. Once in awile I will have a good day and go buy the only thing I want right now. Baby stuff.
I am so grateful for the most amazing man! I don’t think I ever could of dreamed up someone so perfect! I pray and hope like crazy I can start fertility treatment soon and we will be blessed with a perfect little bundle of joy( actually I am praying for twins so I only have to go off all of my fibromyalgia meds once) I know I will instill in him/her that whoever you are and whatever you want to be is the right way. No matter what anyone thinks of you! God and your family will love you so much!
Thank you for your beautiful article and reminding me that god still loves me. No matter how broken I am inside or no matter what a nerd I am on the outside!
XOXOXO
Linsi
-Sorry this was so long! I didn’t mean to write a novel!
Oh linsi, I am so sorry that I never saw this! I just happened to flip back through my old posts and saw your comment. Thank you so much for sharing your story- it takes a lot to put it all out there like that. I am so glad you found your husband and will continue to pray for you! Both for the fibromyalgia (which i know is horrible, my mom has it too) and for the infertility. I pray God will also continue to heal both your heart and your body! much love to you, Melissa
Melissa, you never seize to amaze me! This one is once again, RIGHT ON! Love it!