I usually write more to the young, married, moms; the women in the same stage of life that I’m in right now. But this is for all our unmarried readers- God put you on my heart this week- He sees you! I was reminded of a conversation I had with a friend of mine not long ago. She was a young unmarried woman and in a relationship with a young man from her church. We were talking about all sorts of things; but as is to be expected when two women start talking the subject turned to her relationship. Specifically … SEX. Yeah. That’s right. I’m about to go there.
Ok, so my friend was young, but not a teenager; she was a Christian, but new to the faith; she had committed herself to purity going forward, but was not a virgin. Her relationship was getting serious and the question was beginning to gain in urgency … How far is too far?
She was getting frustrated because she felt the Bible was silent regarding her question. It’s easy to get caught up trying to make boundaries like, ‘kissing is okay but no tongue.’ or ‘It’s ok to lie down on the couch together, but not after midnight.’ or ‘Just nothing below the waist.’ But you have to realize that God really ‘gets’ us. He really knows our ins and outs and how, in the face of serious hormones and raging lust, we can figure out ways to stay within our ‘boundaries’ and yet get ourselves completely mired in impurity. Believe me I know. Been there, done that, had to repent. (No t-shirt though, that might get awkward)
But guess what?!! The boundaries are totally there, down to a tee, you just have to know where to look. (NOTE: Sadly, I can’t claim that I am the Queen of all Spirituality and Purity and found this on my own, I learned about it from Dean Sherman when I was in Youth With A Mission. He has a great book called ‘Love, Sex, and Relationships’ that is fan-TA-bulous and will blow your mind- buy it, read it, love it.)
Ok so where are these oh-so-very-clear boundaries? They are buried in a couple of really long words that most people read and then ignore because they have NO idea what they mean. But for the sake of this particular question here is the main one- Lasciviousness.
“Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness.†Galatians 5:19
“And lest, when I come again, my God will humble me among you, and that I shall bewail many which have sinned already, and not repented of the uncleanness and fornication and lasciviousness which they have committed.†2 Corinthians 12:21
Uh-huh … so, what the heck does that mean? Well, we know that adultery and fornication are really big bad no-no’s and anything you need to repent from is probably a bad thing so we can draw the conclusion that lasciviousness is sin. The bible uses some really strong language when talking about it, even talking about it barring some from entering the Kingdom of Heaven, so this is not something we want to mess around with, am I right?! But again- what the heck does it mean? In order to find out the real depth of the word you have to get all scholarly and get into the Greek word; Dean Sherman does that beautifully, if you want to go all hardcore get his book, you won’t regret it. The super-un-technical-Melissa-definition is: ‘Lasciviousness is anything you intentionally do to build up any desire in another person or yourself that can’t be fulfilled and satisfied within God’s plan.’ Whoa. So think on that for a second. God is so freaking awesome. That’s relevant for any day and age, any culture, and any age person. There just isn’t any getting around that because God is looking to our motives and intentions.
So, a woman that does a scandalously sexy dance for her husband and prances around their room half-nekkid is totally fine because the desire she is igniting in her husband can be totally satisfied within the confines of God’s Plan. But the teen girl who is walking to her class with a little extra sway and a sexy smile for that boy watching her could be just as much in sin as the boy watching porn on the computer when no one is home. It all depends on the motive in her heart.
It’s also good news because for way too long young women have been forced to carry the burden of responsibility for what goes on in the minds of the young men around them. Too many times in the church, well meaning people place the burden of sexual purity solely on the young women they lead. Should women be conscious of how they dress and conduct themselves? Should we be modest? Of course! But if a girl is in submission to the authority in her life (such as her parents and the dress code at her school) and has no intention or motive in her heart to look ‘sexy’ and get boys to notice how ‘hot’ she is, then if a boy does look at her and think inappropriate thoughts and lust after her, she is blameless. It’s all about your motives.
It goes both ways. I’ll use myself as an example. My mother used to be SO frustrated when I was a teenager because she could never figure out how I could be wearing the same things she saw other girls wearing but somehow on me it just looked … inappropriate. I could be completely covered up, it didn’t matter how long my hem was or loose my shirts were. I always seemed indecent. It was because I had a spirit of lasciviousness on me. I wanted boys to notice me and maybe think I was sexy. I didn’t understand exactly what went on in guy’s heads, but I wanted attention and I was out to find it.
So back to the all-important question we all ask as teenagers or young adults- How far is too far? Anything you intentionally do that causes a desire in your boyfriend or fiancée that can’t be righteously satisfied is too far. Anything your boyfriend or fiancée does to stir up desires in you that can’t be fulfilled within God’s plan is too far. It might be different for you than it is for your friend, but chances are it doesn’t allow for much making out … Sorry, just the fact. The whole point of making out is to turn each other on physically, sounds like that falls into the category of too far, huh?
Our God is way too loving and wonderful to give us boundaries that don’t fully protect us, because that’s what it does. It protects you, his beloved daughter, who is priceless beyond all else.
Melissa, this is so good! Thanks for “going there”. You took an awkward topic and made it un-awkward by being real and authentic. I love the grace in your answer–it’s not about rules but about the heart. I will definitely send this link to my unmarried daughters! One more thing–I love your writing style…it is refreshing and unique.
This is so appropriate and NECESSARY! Love your insight and truth, maybe you can come share this at a MOR lifegroup….hmm love this idea!
wow! Loved it, giril!!! Thanks for opening the Scripture to me like that!!!!
This was fantastic. Very spot on for where I feel I am these days. I loved it! Thank you so much for writing it!!
Loved it!!! Thank you for sharing your heart
Way to go! Very well written. I hope everyone passes this one on to daughters and parents. This takes the “uncomfortable” out of how to talk to your kids too!
Loved it! Passing it on. Thanks for being so real and transparent.
Something I heard one time about this topic is that so often we ask ourselves how close to the line can we get? How far can we go without it being wrong, and the focus is always on how close can we get to each other. But in reality we need to ask ourselves how far into purity can we run? How PURE can we be? We shouldn’t be seeing how close to intimacy we can get, but how pure and into God we can get.
Excellent Melissa!! You hit it on the head! I am proud to know you. Oh, can you explain this to my kids….
Melissa,
Great truths!! This was so good and clear on the many questions that both younger and older women have on “how far is too far?”. It all comes down to what are your motives?? I wish more young girls could hear this and more importantly, parents of those young girls could teach them this incredible truth!!
I love the way you write and the tenacity you bring to the table!!:)
Thank you for sharing your heart.
~Maree
Awesome job! Great insight. Love ya!
this is REALLY good – I am passing this on to Embrace Love leaders! Love it! Thanks girl!
Excellent blog Melissa….. just what I needed to hear too! A friend and I were discussing this very subject!
Wonderfully stated and explained. Love your examples- thanks for being so honest. Way to go into the tough subject of sex and inspire purity of heart.
Melissa this is great! Thank you for your vulnerability to share from your heart. I think it’s so important for girls to remember that it’s not just “keeping their virginity” that’s the goal…it’s “keeping their purity”. You have a very compelling way of writing…great job!
absolutely beautiful and full of truth!!! way to put it all out there for us!!!
Is all a matter of the heart:)
Melissa- this is so needed!! Thanks for keepin it real! I will be passing this one on for sure!
Just getting caught up today on DIB reading. Sorry…yes, i am behind!
I am posting this to Facebook through my eldest daughter, Teighlor. I want her to post it to her friends, and so on and so on. This does not apply to me, but I know a whole for which it does.
Thanks for writing to another sector of DIB’s readership and for following God’s prompting to reach out!
Great post Melissa! I love that you discuss the heart issue in modesty and that you express not just the man’s role but his heart issue as well. Kind of tired of the judgement happening to ladies with pure hearts who either just haven’t been taught how to dress or who are oblivious until the Holy Spirit prompts them to change that area in their life. In the mean time, guys are still responsible to show respect. And Christian ladies are still responsible to walk in love and grace. Love you!
Melissa, I thought it was a very good article. It is all about motives, what is really in our hearts. It is about identity, knowing that we are daughters and are worth to the Father eternally more than the world tries to convince our daughters. Young girls need the truth, they are looking for direction because it is many times so lacking in even christian homes. Thanks for your voice.
Ok-you know that I love the way you write–even on my facebook! Thank you for explaining lavisscionsess-whatever! you know what I mean! I think you are just great and am so glad that we are in this together! freakin’ love you girl~m
This was excellent! Very well written and very true! Thanks!
Girl!!!
Where were you when I was a teenager?! Oh wait you were 8 yrs old …hehehe! Seriously … this wisdom is amazing! What an advantage we have knowing God and the wisdom He imparts. You are a Gem … I am so blessed you never shy down from what God puts in your heart … looking forward to more nuggets like these!
Great Love,
~Ris
Great job Melissa!
- and thanks for recommending a good book to reference. I don’t know how similar they may be, but Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships by Chip Ingram is another great read. I love how he gives singles a whole new way to look at dating so they can end up with better results than the current trend.
I am writing curriculum for a mother/daughter life group and I’m so going to use this information (with your permission, of course). Thanks so much for keeping it real.