Screwed Upposted on September 26th, 2012 / by Marissa Star / 17 Comments
“Marissa and I started our relationship with a plethora of baggage. We both came from broken families. We were both ex-drug addicts. We were both hurt at one point or another. We like to say we were broken. In fact, we still say that today. We know we are still a work in progress.
I think it was the fact that we told each other we were broken that gave us a realistic starting point in our relationship. We knew that our marriage would have a rough start. We knew that we would have to work out our issues. And we knew that it was going to be a lot of work. Because of our past, we knew the ideal of a “perfect marriage” was simply not ever going to happen. In many ways I think that the brutal honesty of our past has helped us in our present relationship. Marissa knows I have things I’m stilling working out. She knows that I didn’t have a Father role model growing up. I didn’t have someone showing me what it meant to be a good husband or a good father. She knows I’m still working it out … and she gives me the grace to do so. I still come to her and say, “in some area of my life I’m screwed up, will you still have me.”” ~Yuri Star
My husband recently came home and told me of a conversation he had with a friend. We were sitting in our master bathroom after we put our four boys to bed, (this way we were hidden and had plausible deniability if any of them got up, because they were not sleeping) to steal a few one-on-one moments together to share the happenings of our day with each other.
He spoke to me the very words I asked him to write above. Every word so honest, so true to who we are and have always been, it took my breath away. Then he looked straight at me, deep into my eyes and said again, “I’m screwed up, I’m still working some things out … will you have me?”
My eyes glossed over, my chest got all warm as I said, “Yes, of course I’ll have you … you know I’m messed up … will you still have me?”
With his calm, confident, “Yes.” And with a warm smile of assurance, which is a classic look my husband gives … my heart exhaled.
Because I knew we were no longer the two people who stood at the alter some 13 years ago. I don’t throw things anymore when I get angry (by God’s grace) and he doesn’t walk out of the room when he can’t translate my tears. We have come so far.
He is an amazingly wise father for not having a father because God fathered him and sent men who showed him an example and took him under their wing.
And yet we are aware that we walk with some areas of our life that we can classify as “just-a-beginning” or a “messy middle” place where we need God.
We also celebrate together areas of our lives where we have experienced many “it is finished … the end of story” victories, because we are grateful to a God that has been faithful to walk us through it.
Whether you are married or not, we all have a place where we are screwed up, a place we see that we need God.
A place if we are willing to live vulnerable enough to say to God, … “will you have me?” God says, “Yes! Not only will I have you … I choose you! My mercies are new every morning … today is the day of my salvation.”
We are in need of being saved daily by the amazing grace of a loving God. Grace is not a one time hand-out when we ask Jesus into our hearts, it’s a buffet we are invited to feast at daily.
And now I talk to the married men and women, will you lift your eyes again to rest on your spouse right where they are … looking on their victories, current battles and new journeys with fresh eyes … things that remain for your eyes only.
Not eyes that ignore what they see, but having seen say, … “I choose you.”
And having eyes that see deep into your own heart can also say, “In some areas of my life, I’m still finding God and I’m screwed up … will you still have me?” … again.