A few days ago I had the joy of hanging out with a new friend. We had planned it as a Starbucks date but ended up at Wendy’s for a baked potato. (Yes, we are big spenders.) After we compared notes on how our workdays went, she turned to me and said, “I have a reason that I asked you to have coffee with me.” She wanted to talk about her dating relationship. My friend then pulled out a little notebook where she had written questions she wanted to ask me. She explained that she needed the help of an “older” woman (no age jokes, please!) who has been married for awhile. We spent the next hour at a park talking about what she is learning about love, about her boyfriend and their relationship, and about herself. We ended the evening with a Frosty, a prayer, and the understanding that she can call me anytime she wants. I loved it!
The week before that meeting, I called one of my “older” friends to ask for help. I’ve been stuck in an area of my life, so I called her to ask for prayer and with the hope that she would have time to listen. She did listen and pray and ask thought-provoking questions based on previous conversations we have had. About a year ago I invited this friend to lunch and asked her to mentor me. We have met several times in the last year to build that relationship. Her faith on my behalf and her nudges to take action always pull me up to a new place of growth in my life.
Mentoring. It’s a simple concept. Find someone wise that you trust and allow them to have influence in your life. At the same time, be that wise and trusted counselor for someone else. We all need help, and we all have something to give. It’s like the “Barrel of Monkeys” game that I used to play as a kid: as you form a chain of plastic monkeys, each monkey links arms with a monkey above and a monkey below. Each monkey hangs onto the monkey above to pull him up while he himself pulls the monkey from below. I’m so thankful for the mentors in my life who listen, pray for me, and challenge me to reach higher. I need their friendship. I’m equally thankful for the women who look to me for encouragement. They are smart women and leaders in their own spheres of influence who are honoring God and loving people. I love helping them move closer to who they were created to be. I also need their friendship.
Mentoring can be a formal relationship like I have with the friend that I called last week. Some mentors and mentees get together weekly to go through a book or pray together. It can also be informal, where the word mentor is never mentioned but the relationship fulfills the same function. I’ve been mentored by people I’ve never met through their books, blogs and websites. And, a mentor isn’t always older in age than the mentee.
A key to a good mentor relationship is to find the right fit. I look to some women to mentor me as a mother because I see wisdom in how they parent. The friend I mentioned earlier helps me with parenting and with business because she has perspective on both. Another friend has mentored me for three years in prayer and leadership because she has spent a lot of time developing these things in her life. I like to pull from different people’s strengths and passions because these are usually connected to the wisdom they have gained and the perspective they have to offer. It is good to recognize that one person rarely has the whole package. That’s a big expectation for one person to live up to!
Another key to the right fit for a mentor is to find someone who has time to give. There have been places in my life where someone has looked to me for mentoring, and my life was too crowded at that moment to spend time with them. I still feel badly about that, but I trust that God met their need through someone else. I have also experienced that in my own life, where I looked to someone to invest in me, and they just had too much on their plate. At first I felt disappointed, but then I found someone who had more time. In the end, it was a better match for my personality. God was faithful to meet my need, and He did it differently than I expected.
Part of the fun of playing “Barrel of Monkeys” is that eventually the chain breaks. Then you start again with whatever is left of the chain. Sometimes mentoring is like that, too. I link arms with someone for part of the journey, and then we get disconnected. One of us moves, changes jobs, gets unstuck wherever we needed help, and we move on to link arms with someone else. While that doesn’t mean the friendship ends, the mentoring relationship is no longer necessary. I am very committed to the women I mentor, but I try not to hold on too tightly.
As I’m writing this, I’m smiling as I think of the many women (and a few men too) who have influenced my life, from the people who invested in me as a child, to a new friend that I will have lunch with in a couple of weeks. I’m smiling as I think of some of my younger friends — how much they’ve grown, and how much I love to challenge them and cheer them on. I feel rich to have the honor of linking arms with such a beautiful collection of monkeys!
“He who walks with the wise grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20
I enjoyed your article immensely. It is really inspiring me to be an active mentor. I'm also feeling a little bit lonely for some wise older friends. I think thats a spot in my life thats been missing. Although, as you say, we do find great influences in literature,blogs,even younger people at times.. Speaking of which, your words were so clear and touching that I was surprised to see how young you look in your photo at the bottom. I'm a middle aged mom of three sweet little girls 5,2,and 2.
God bless.
Kelly, thanks for your sweet response. With your comment about my looking young, you are my new best friend!
I'm also a middle-aged mom–I have 4, aged 12-21. I'm trusting that you will find those mentors that you desire.
Great insight, beautifully expressed. This has been a sweet season for me where ladies 10 to 15 years younger than myself have been a constant source inspiration for spiritual and personal growth just by living out what has been deposited in them. Therefore having a mentoring influence without the formality of the word.
What a great analogy, so true! It's neat to see how God places the perfect people in our lives to mentor us, or to help them through with our own experiences during seasons in life. Thinking back I've had so many older and wiser women that has been my mentor at some point, and while we aren't "linked" like we were they still hold such a special place in my heart. I hope I can be that link for some one as I grow older and wiser, too. Thanks for the post!
I just read this verse the other day!!! I love how God just places verses in our lives sometimes to remind us of things. I have a few "older" women that God has placed in my life who I walk with on a daily basis, that I am so thankful for. I love having those relationships. They encourage me, keep me accountable and show me my "stuff" when necessary. Thanks for the great article on friendships and mentoring!!!
Pam,
Beautiful!! Such a great reminder of always learning,mentoring, and teaching on this journey that God has given us!! Taken right out of Titus 2:4-5. You are a great example of this!! Thank you sweet friend, for all of your encouraging wisdom!!:)
Love you,
Maree
wow, this was so good!
I am so thankful to be one of your monkeys! Looking forward to our time together! You definitely model this in your life. Thank you for listening to me and taking the time to get to know me. You are a rare beauty!
Pam,
I am also so thankful to have been one of your monkeys! You helped me through a very difficult time in my life and I so appreciate all the time you invested in me! Thanks for giving of yourself for me! This article was great – I'm going to share it in our home group tomorrow.
Love Ya,
Jen
What a wonderful article Pam…… I sure am one of those monkeys and so glad and blessed to be connected to you. I love u….. O and By the way….. we need to do lunch.
So incredibly grateful for the mentors in my ife over the years. The Lord has been so faithful to send them along my path over the years. I love that you describe the variety a mentor can come along in because in doesn't always looks the same and that is OK. The purpose is fulfilled and the Lord knew and provides in the best way. Thank you!
I feel rich all over again just hearing from you guys!
Looking forward to seeing you, R. Jackee, I see you live this out as well. Miss you, Jen!
Pam,
Being such a visual learner I loved the image of the monkeys. I love mentoring and discipleship. It is so important to draw from others as they draw from you. Living life along side people is such a gift!! Thanks for sharing!
Pam,
Thank you for being a great encourager…your blogs always inspire me! For such a young monkey,you have great wisdom!
WONDERFUL visual! My friend, Lisa, wrote to me and said, "It's as if we are pressing in to the hem of each other's garments in honor of our individual giftings." We are stronger together. As we honor and love each other, His supernatural power flows through us. Our weaknesses become strong through divine, love and honor-filled connections. Thanks for sharing!!!!
Leah, just visited your blogsite. Loved it! Thanks for commenting. Looking forward to getting to know you through your writing.
Very well said, Nancy. I love it that you've found LIFE in mentoring and being mentored.
Yes, Maree, I also thought of Titus 2. I would love to talk to you about this more. Love you too!
Jen, so good to hear from you–I got excited when I heard you might be at the wedding! I love how the process never ends–you were then and still are a "monkey in the middle", mentoring and being mentored.
Yes, yes, birthday lunch!
Love you, friend.
Amy, I'm enjoying getting to know you. So glad you are on the DIB team now.
Pam, your blog is beautiful. As always you have shared such wisdom. As you know, you have helped me along the way. Your words have stuck with me over the years. recently, I see, I have been lacking an "older mentor", Your words have nudged me towards something that has been on my heart for a few monthes now. So once again, thank you. You always have such a sweet, gentle way to kick me in the booty. I appreciate you and bless you my sweet, young beautiful, wise friend!
Robyn, so glad to be able to nudge you since I prefer that to booty kicking. Haha. You inspire me with your hunger to grow to the next place in your life.
Pam, great insight and encouragement. You just gave everyone purpose!
Pam, I love your heart for mentoring! I have watched you live this out with family, friends and in ministry. One value of mentoring is the giving – I love learning and growing from the ones God puts in my life. I love seeing God pull out of me what I didn't know was there because of HIS love for others.
You're amazing! Love, Mary Jo
My favorite line when I come to you with an issue . . . "Can I challenge you"?? I'm now going to just call you and start making monkey noises–oohhoohh aahha ahhhh!! I love your explanation with the monkeys when the chain breaks-you pick it up and start again!! Thank you for being such a great communicator to so many!! ps-I noticed that you didn;t mention "fashion mentoring in November"-one of my favorites of all times!! xoxx oxoxo m
I have said many times in the past that I felt like I was at a weird place and did not feel the connection I wanted with my friends. I think this is the link I was missing. I have and have always had amazing friends. But this mentor role, that I have had at various points in my life, is the key to what I was missing. Thank you for explaining this so clearly. You are such a blessing to many of us in how you lead your life. Lots of love to you Ms Pam!!
How could I have forgotten fashion mentoring? That is one arm link I never want to let go of! Yay! November is almost here! Woohoo! Thanks for being one of my "two way" monkeys–the mentoring goes both ways.
Lots of love back at you, Rena!
Celeste, I think you're right that some mentoring relationships do require a big investment of time and energy, but only for a season. My guess is that you probably are already mentoring in various forms but never gave it that name because it isn't a formal arrangement. Those little nudges or words of encouragement that we give to others along the way are really valuable too! So glad we are doing DIB together.