Three-year-old Jonathan curiously asked, “Mom, why doesn’t Courtney have a penis?” “Oh,” I thought, “a teachable moment.” The mom-van suddenly grew quiet and still as all eyes turned to me to answer the question. Courtney, Jonathan’s same-aged-girl-cousin wasn’t in the car; only Jonathan’s three older brothers, who already knew the answer to this question.

“That’s a great question. Remember the song Mr. Rogers sometimes sings on his show about girls and boys?” I asked. “Yes,” Jono answered. “Some are fancy on the inside; some are fancy on the outside.” I continued, “Courtney is a girl so she is fancy on the inside. Girls have a vagina, which is inside of their body, and boys have a penis, which is on the outside.”

Having the talk about sex with your child can unnerve any parent. Seizing teaching moments with your child makes having sexual conversations a natural and a normal part of family life. In order to take advantage of those teachable moments, it is helpful to have a goal already formulated.

As a parent, I wanted my children to learn about sex from my husband and me. I remember as a child being naturally curious and, as a teenager, feeling a bit lost and confused concerning sexual issues. I made some veiled attempts to explore what my mom thought about sex, but she was too uncomfortable to talk about it. Other than the one-time sex talk she had with me when I was sixteen, I was left on my own to figure out this very big topic. I didn’t want that for my kids, and I am sure you want more for your children as well.

Start at the beginning. God created and designed your child as a sexual creature. Little boys have their first erection somewhere between one to three minutes after birth. A little girl’s vagina will lubricate within twenty-four hours after birth. Your child is a sexual person. This is not a mistake! Your child’s sexuality has a special design and a special purpose. From the moment your little one was introduced to this world, you, as his or her parent, can begin to celebrate the wonder of his or her sexuality through cuddling, snuggling, affirming and protecting.

Having a solid theology about sex is really helpful in raising sexually healthy kids. Here are a few of the truths and values my husband and I wanted to impart to our kids; yours may be similar or different. That’s OK; the point is that you know what you want your children to learn about sex:

• Sex is good and a gift from God
• By God’s design you are a sexual creature
• Sexual curiosity is natural
• Sexual responsiveness is a normal part of your involuntary nervous system
• We must steward this gift wisely
• God created sex to be shared in a covenant relationship

You are the most influential teacher in your child’s life. You are your child’s first relationship and they learn from you whether or not they can trust in relationships. Showing your children you are there for them and you love them unconditionally will someday help them form lasting relationships with their spouses. They are learning trust or mistrust from how you love and nurture them. Providing time, attention, affection, affirmation, comfort and discipline is the key to your children’s hearts.

As parents, we transfer our beliefs to our children. Saying the right things isn’t enough; we have to take an honest look at ourselves and commit to not letting our hang-ups taint our children’s futures. We have to learn to be real with our kids and allow them to be real with us. Remember, you aren’t responsible for the choices your child makes. You are only responsible for teaching and modeling a healthy life and, to the best of your ability, developing a loving, healthy relationship with your child.

To help you take an honest look at yourself, you might want to ask some questions: “How do I feel about sex? Do I want my kids to have an incredible married sex life? Do I have any fears or wrong-thinking about sex? Do I see sex as a gift from God? How have I stewarded this gift? Do I need help in processing my past with someone so that I can forgive myself? What information do I lack about sex? What am I going to do to gain the information I need?”

You may be thinking, “Man, it’s already too late … my kids are nearly grown.” The good news is that it is never too late. Embracing a positive attitude about sex and sexuality can make an incredible difference in your child’s life. Ask your kids to forgive you if you are getting a late start; learn to say, “I’m sorry.” Try to repair any misinformation they have picked up. Counter the cultural messages that tell your daughter she can get her needs met by looking and acting seductive. Help her understand that sex isn’t a weapon. Communicate to her to love and value herself. Remember that her primary need is to be nurtured, cherished, valued and loved.

Nurturing love will encourage your son to grow and become strong physically, emotionally, spiritually and, eventually, sexually. Moms nurture and dads affirm and protect and help the son be comfortable in his own skin. When a son learns to be comfortable in his own skin, it protects him from the need to prove his manhood. His masculinity has already been affirmed and established.

Don’t be afraid to talk with your kids about sex; by talking with your children about sex you are gaining their trust. The first conversations you have with your child about sex will be very simple. Only give age appropriate biological information and share your values along the way. Relax and create an open environment for talking and listening; don’t be uptight–your child isn’t.

Avoid lectures. Each child will learn at his or her own pace. Integrate your faith and values into these conversations, but not out of fear that your child may make some of the same mistakes you made. Believe that by having conversations about sex, you are actually protecting your child from making harmful decisions in the future.

Start with simple explanations about human bodies, birth and conception. Having these conversations when your child is young allows you to anticipate the next stage before it happens and to be proactive rather than reactive. Happily seize the opportunity to shape your child’s sexual character. You care deeply about your child’s character, safety and future. Through simple, honest and on-going conversations you can equip your children to be sexually healthy. Silence creates an environment of secrets. Sexual secrets and shame are two things you do not want your child to have to struggle with.

Children are naturally curious about their own bodies and the bodies of others. You don’t want to shame your child when you discover him or her playing “Doctor” or “House.” Instead of reacting, plan ahead to respond with, “You are really curious about each other’s bodies. Being curious is normal, so let’s put our clothes back on and you can ask me any questions you may have about bodies. I even have a book that is written just for your age.”

Sexual curiosity will not go away if it is never discussed. In fact, avoiding the subject can make sex seem even more mysterious and exciting. Using guilt and fear often have the opposite effect of what you want for your child—shame or rebellion.

Recalling the conversation I referred to earlier with my son Jonathan, you may have noticed that I used the correct names for male and female private parts. When our sons were young, I realized that calling private parts everything besides their medical names was not making me seem credible. I decided that I wanted to build credibility with our children. So out went the willy wanky names and I started using the medical terms. I did have to teach the boys not to yell at the grocery store, “Mommy, she has a vagina!” I had to help them understand those were the proper names, but there are appropriate times and places to use those words.

Becoming comfortable using the medical names for private parts will help you communicate in a natural, comfortable way with your child. If you grew up in a home where penis and vagina were never mentioned, this may make you feel super-uncomfortable. Practice until you are comfortable-in front of the mirror, if necessary. You need to be familiar with male and female anatomy, the birthing process and you need to be able to explain “Where do babies come from?” Here are a few terms explained so a child can understand:

Penis: Allows boys to pee and to transfer sperm to Mommy when it’s time to make a baby

Sperm: The seed inside of a Daddy that can make a baby with the seed inside of a Mommy (Children understand seeds)

Testicles: Two round structures that hang below the penis where sperm is made

Anus: Where we eliminate

Vagina: The place where a baby comes out between the Mommy’s legs

Egg: The seed inside of Mommy that can meet with the seed inside of Daddy to make a baby

Uterus: The very special place inside of a Mommy where a baby grows for about nine months until the baby is ready to be born

Birth Canal: Between the uterus, where the baby grows, and the vagina; the baby passes through the birth canal to the vagina to be born

Ovaries: Stores the Mommy’s eggs

Contractions: The tightening of the muscles around the uterus, which send the baby out of the uterus, through the birth canal and out of the vagina (unless there is a Cesarean Section)

Teaching your child proper names for body parts and body functions will not only make you the expert but will also send the message to your child that you are available to talk about anything. Welcoming your child’s questions with, “I am so glad you asked that question,” will build safety and trust. If your child learns at a young age that his or her parents are available and willing to answer questions, then when the harder questions come about subjects such as pornography, same sex attraction, oral sex, STD’s, etc., trust will be established and a pattern will be developed for your child to come to you to establish their information and values.

Remember, you are the most influential and important person in your child’s life. Overcome any fears and hesitations you have about talking with your kids about sex. It will be well worth the effort. You will reap the joy of raising a sexually healthy child.

About The Author

Nancy Houston

Before joining the staff at Gateway Church as an associate Pastor in Unity, Gateway's marriage and family ministry, Nancy was in private practice as an LPC for 10 years. She is also a certified Christian Sex Therapist. She is married to her high school sweetheart Ron. They have four grown sons who have married amazing women who are cherished as daughters. They have one adorable grandson and a grandaughter on the way. Nancy's passion is to see marriages healed and strenthened and for people to be set free.