Control Freak. Those words either resonate with you or they don’t. And of course there are various levels to the madness in which control can manifest in a person’s life. It’s a sneaky little fella that’s for sure. Dressed up and disguised as just wanting to do the right thing … kind of trying to make others do it too 
Sometimes disguised as good goals until they feel like they are going to kill you. Other times being driven and not driving this life we live. Some people want to control their weight, for some their environment (everything being perfectly in order to feel in order), others controlling situations so others can’t hurt them. For me it was wrapped up in love … I could even put a pretty bow on it and call it passion, probably even convince you of it.
When the Lord began shining the beacon light of His truth on this little culprit at work in my heart, exposing the places it had tainted with it’s lies, he used this memory to show me something about myself and reveal His truth.
A couple weeks after I gave my life to Jesus while living with my Aunt and Uncle I got a kitten. Oh my goodness the cutest little black and white kitten I’ve ever seen. I went with my Aunt and cousins to pick a kitten out of litter of kittens born on a nearby farm. I told my Aunt I wanted a cow-cat (a cat that is black and white like a cow), she knew I needed something to love and went and found them for me. I spotted the one I wanted right away and crawled under this old tracter and pulled the little guy out by his tail. I was at a place in my life where I felt all alone and somehow that loneliness disappeared in the companionship of that adorable kitten. I loved that kitten and he loved me. I named that cute little cow-cat “Dude”. I would walk into the room and say, “What up Dude?” and he would strut his stuff right over to me. I loved that kitten so much that I would start petting him and holding him so tight that he would start yelping in high pitch sounds. I loved him so much that I would literally hurt him with all my love. I couldn’t help it, I would just squeeze his little body so tight. If I could tuck him inside me I would. I just couldn’t get him close enough to me.
A few years later while in Bible College, my boyfriend (husband to be) and I broke up after dating for a year and a half. I was devastated. It was my first real Christian relationship and I put so much pressure on it to be perfect. I would get so hurt when it wasn’t. Just like that kitten I would squeeze so tight, I loved too hard that I was actually pushing the one I loved away. I tried controlling our relationship so I wouldn’t get hurt. I served the fear of being hurt until the very thing I feared the most came upon me. When we broke up we both walked away with very little hope we would ever get back together. I was crushed, having thought I heard God and holding broken dreams of the future in my hands.
I remember laying flat on the floor in my apartment crying mascara stains into the carpet, crying out to God to heal my broken heart. He showed me my heart and it had three thorns in it. He said if I would let Him pull the thorns, they would bleed and hurt initially (we had to go back to some hurtful memories growing up) but then they would fully heal. I would face the fear head on with God and on purpose feel pain instead of devising plans and controlling people so I would never have to control situations again. One by one God and I revisited memories, dealt with pain and the fears that hindered me from giving and receiving love in freedom. The Lord sent me to India, Argentina, and New Orleans on missions’ trips to serve Him with my whole heart and to share with others the same love I had received from Him. Six months after our break up Yuri and I got back to together and were married within six months. My husband told me how the Lord had told him the old had to die, so the new could live. Eleven years later, I’m still thankful for the work that God did in our hearts during that time.
This year our church started off the year with a 21-day devotional called, “Let’s Go!,” I started to read it and the Holy Spirit began speaking to my heart and His words shined like a beacon light again exposing where that little culprit of control had set up camp. He said, “For others this may be “Let’s Go!,” but for you this year is about, “Letting Go!”
We have four boys ranging from eight to three years old. I’ve home schooled the oldest two and kept all my boys really close to me, desiring with the entirety of my heart that they know and serve God their whole lives without having to experience things I went through. So here’s this picture of me squeezing that poor little kitten again until it’s yelping for relief, except this time the Holy Spirit shows me it’s my children. The fear is that they won’t turn out to love God, they’ll make the same mistakes I made, they’ll hurt and I’ll have been the one that hurt them (that’s as real as it gets from this Mama’s heart.) I began to cry and repent asking the Lord to reveal His truth. Under all that I did well, hidden was a motivation of fear. I realized if I kept squeezing I was eventually going to produce the very thing I feared. I love that the Lord is faithful to put us right back on His track fueled with His truth when we are quick to repent.
The Holy Spirit began to talk to me about the hand posture of letting go, how it is the same open palm posture of giving, receiving, surrendering, praising, and worshiping. The hand posture of closed fists is associated with squeezing, clinching, fighting, striving … all expressions of lack of trust. Even holding, as when I pull in one of my boys and hold them my hand runs flat across their back, we in openness give and receive love. Everything is open and nothing is closed. In my heart I wrote my children’s names on my hands and lifted them to the Lord.
I prayed, “Lord, I let go of my children and surrender them to you. I let go of trying to make them love you and know you in all my own strength. I let go of the false control I thought I had. I repent of serving fear and making it an idol in my heart making provision for it by not trusting you with them. I give them to you and receive your grace to steward these gifts that are yours. I praise you with them written on my hands in my heart worshipping You because in every way You are good! I partner with You to parent them, lead me by your wisdom for You know them better than I do. Teach me how to gain their hearts. You have always been faithful. Lord, I will trust You!” Amen!
For me it was my children, what area in your heart is the Lord shining His beacon light and exposing where control and fear have camped out? Sometimes it’s really scary to step out and trust the Lord especially because we like that feeling of “being in control.” But the truth is: if He is not in control, we were never really “in control.” Whatever it is I encourage you to let go! Shake those hands out, loosen up the grip, open up your hands and give all your pain as well as fear to the Lord and receive all the freedom he desires you to walk in.
I’ve decided to live my life hands wide open, I encourage you live like that with me!
With hands wide open and Great Love!
Quote from ~ NEMO (Disney/Pixar)
Crush: ‘Let us see what Squirt does flying solo.’
Crush: ‘The little dudes are just eggs. We leave ‘em on a beach to hatch… and then, coo-coo-cachoo, they find their way back to the big ol’ blue.’
Marlin: ‘All by themselves?’
Crush: ‘Yeah.’
Marlin: ‘But, dude, how do you know when they’re ready?’
Crush: ‘Well, you never really know. But when they know, you’ll know, you know?’
Excellent word..spoke to me on many levels. Thank you for your openness and willingness to share your real life with others. You’re a blessing!
Love it! Love it! Love it! Great read and thanks for once again, opening your heart so honestly! Your boys are so blessed to have you for a Mama! My one little guy will definitely benefit from me reading your blog today!
Oh girl! So good. I remember when I realized that excuse, “I was just trying to be nice” was really I was just trying to control the situation and someone called me out! My daily prayer over my boys has become “not my will but your will Lord!”. Pruning those thorns always reveals such sweetness. Lova ya.
Awww, little dude! Such a cute kitten :0 but on the the real comment: seriously wow- this was so good ris! i bookmarked it and have the feeling i’ll be going back again and again…I really love the picture too! so beautiful
Marissa,
Have you been living in my house??? That is exactly what I have been going through with our sons and just didn’t know it until I read this today! Thank you for sharing it. God is so good and faithful isn’t he?
I mean really, it is like you have read my quiet times because I didn’t realize I had that control and fear going on so much like that. I love the quote from Nemo- when they know you’ll know. You are awesome! And God is so awesome in you and shining through you.
Thank you
Ris, thanks for “bringing it” once again! I liked the part about letting go of the false control you thought you had. The truth is, we don’t really have control even when we think, look and act like we do. I’m so glad we can trust in the God who is in control AND who is good and loves us. Like you, this isn’t theory for me–He has been taking me through a process of letting go.
Ris~ Good stuff!
Sometimes I think we tell God we have given Him control of our lives, but then we still try to hold on to some areas..just in case! I love your analogy of the kitten. It’s true, no matter with kids, husband, friends..you squeeze too tightly and they will need to jump out for some serious space! As always, thank you for sharing your heart! Love it!
Gonna spend the day chewing on this and hopefully not chewing on any thing that will stick to my thighs.
You know my area of control, still looking for new ground to conquer. Thanks for this post. Ya did good!
xoxo
BTW, I DO see a difference in you too.
I think I will have to read this again and again. My prayer will be that the Lord writes on my heart exactly what he has for me and I know your post moved my heart and revealed things that I often don’t like to believe are there. Lots of tears right now but I know that with those tears I have the choice to be more free. Thank you and not to figure out how to print this post!
Wow…I was just dreaming last night that I was crying and saying “Maleina belongs to the Lord”. Good stuff Ris!
greatness Ris!!! I had the same thing shown to me at the beginning of this year with Let’s Go! Thanks for always being so open with your beautiful heart! love ya!
from one “freak” to another… AMEN AMEN AMEN… Thanks Marissa! Starting my week off with open hands
I too have struggled with “letting go.” What mother hasn’t? The one thing I found consistently everytime I let go was a blessing from God. I have prayed through my fears, acknowledged them before the Father and surrendered. Everytime, he has shown his love by blessing me in that situation and most of the time it was better than I could have imagined or expected. Thank you for sharing you heart and encouraging others!
I could wrap myself up in this, I totally hear God in disney movies and loved your finding nemo quote. My favorite is this one: “Marlin – I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.
Dori- Well, that’s a funny thing to promise!
Marlin- huh?
Dori- Well if you never let anything happen to him, then nothing would EVER happen to him. ”
As always, good blog!
LOVE THIS!! I was seriously having a “moment” this morning (uhh, yeah, outside of the school
) where I was wondering if I should be “sheltering” one of my boys (who tends to be on the over-emotional dramatic side) a little more but the Holy Spirit told me that I needed to trust him and keep doing what I’m doing. This is just confirmation! Thanks friend!
Ris,
You are speaking my language here, sister! I can’t begin to tell you how much this spoke to my heart. I am a “recovering control addict” whom Jesus is patiently redeeming! Thank you so much for sharing!!
Wonderful!!!!!
Thank you!!!! Thank you so much for this blog. It hit a spot that I needed to realize. Control is something we will never have, I think I am finally starting to realize this. By controlling things or checking things off a list I truly feel that you are cutting out the little blessing God throws in your life. It is about being. Not about controlling. 0:o)
Marissa,
Beautifully written, my sweetness friend!! I love the passions of your heart. Like you, I love the ones that are closest to me so much that I have to be able to let go and release them to the Lord to give Him full control over their lives. I am so visual. I love the picture you posted with your blog, that shows me how Jesus has His children written on His hands holding us up to the Father to use us for His plans and purposes.
Everyday I ask myself,”What are you holding on to?” My hearts desire is to give Him full control. Some days are a lot harder than others!!:)
Thank you so much for sharing your heart. It always touches me in a new way!
Love You,
Maree
I love that “let’s go” means letting go for you! I always feel a little guilty after I read your blogs because I feel like maybe I have stepped into a private conversation or conflict or conviction that is only supposed to be for you but then am so grateful that you are such a sharer of the “good stuff of God” that I am glad to be listening in and learning too. Thank you for coming alongside and confirming in me some of the things that I have struggled with and thought I heard God but wasn’t sure cuz noone else was sayin it!! I love you and love to watch you bloom!!! m
Love this. What happened to the kitten?
Marissa, as always, beautifully written! You captured what it is to have fear that keeps you from letting go, then allowing the Lord to change your heart and heal you so you can be who He meant you to be — walking in freedom and loving without strings. I love seeing how well you love your kids!
Beautiful. Convicting. Inspiring. Uplifting. Vintage Marissa…
I have loved hearing some of these experiences from your mouth and I love reading them in your eloquent words….I must say the “picture is worth a thousand words” and a mental image I have carried in my heart for sweet Evan and all we have faced and continue to face with him. I love living life with you, learning from you and seeing you heart! Thank you….
Thank you so much Marissa! this was great stuff, seriously! <3
Marissa,
I am going to print the prayer or write it in my journal. He has me on a similar track of letting go and trusing Him. and the biggest part is with my four boys.
Thank you, as always, for sharing your stories with us.
I am blessed and encouraged.
Marissa…Love this. Totally identify. Isn’t it beautiful how God reveals Himself to us in such deep amazing ways as He shows us how to love His (our) children?! Love that! One of the reasons I love DIB is because on any given day, I can read and know I’m not “the only one”
Blessings & love to you…~holly
Hey Sweetie,
I love seeing the work that the Lord continues to do in your life. It is a beautiful thing. I’m a very blessed man to have such a wonderful wife.
There is one good thing that has come out of your years of squeezing that cat to death…you give the best hugs
Love ya,
Yuri
Carrie, I’m a little embarrassed to say what happened to Dude … I went off to SDSU and my little brothers were like 6 & 7 years old and pretty much traumatized the poor cat until it ran away. Even though I squeezed him, he really did know I loved him;) LOL!
Yuri!!! You are too sweet to me! I do like to hug!
I want to thank all of you for your comments but even more sharing your heart with me. We are not alone in the many journeys of the heart the Lord has us on … I love the opportunity to share our stories with each other!
Carrying you in my heart and Great Love! ~Ris
Love this! I think it’s a message that we as women and moms continually need to hear. And like you said, we never really did have control in the first place. For me, letting go of my kids, their experiences, and their reactions to them is always hard work.
Thanks for sharing God’s work in you with us so we can grow too.
How wonderfully and beautifully convicting this post is to me. I have had such a tight reign on several situations for years and as I turned 30 this year it is like the Lord sat me down to a little “Come to Jesus” chit chat and said almost the same thing. It’s either me continuing to squeeze the life out of everything I really do love, but truth be told I control the stink out of (home life, job changes, finances, my kids, dreams, relationships, even like you said digging up the pain of the past to ulitmately heal my heart) or it’s me open wide, free and surrendered to Christ’s merciful love and desire to direct my life and position my steps. I want to choose Christ, thank you for your willingness to share. It is wonderful to know we are not alone and in good company as we surrender to Christ’s fullness for our lives! Blessings of favor and love as you continue to pour out your heart!!!!
Amazing! You speak to my heart in so many ways. Love how Jesus pours out of you! You are a wise woman! Even when your babies are nearly grown, there’s always opportunities to “open your hands”. Mine are open, pass the Kleenex.
Okay…well that was a sucker punch to the gut…I very much needed to read this.
Marissa, this is amazing.
As I sit here and read this with starbucks in hand on my day off I am overwhelmed (in a good way) with the touch of Gods hand. I needed this so much! I can apply this is SO many areas of my life, but foremost in the area of the spiritual kido’s God has placed or will place in mine and Jason’s care. I loved the picture God gave you of hands wide open, it imprinted on my heart and mind. I want that visual in the for front at all times.
I think I may read this several times to soak it in deeper. Loved it!!! Thank you so much!!!
Just love and appreciate you!
Hi Marissa,
A friend shared your blog link and I am so grateful! Your words so eloquently and gently ministered to me because they confirmed exactly what I also heard at the beginning of the “Let’s Go” devotional! Seems many of us have that old “friend” called control in our lives. Thank you for sharing your heart and the power of His never-ending grace.
Holly Levy
Thank you for sharing your struggles and your heart. I think we all have something or someone we love so much “it hurts”….literally. We don’t know what we don’t know so thanks for shining His light in a dark place so we can experience FREEDOM and VICTORY! WOO HOO!
Marissa thank you for sharing from your heart. I am reminded that I really don’t want to be in control. There is so much peace in knowing that God has it all under control and I just have to do what he says. Wonderfully written!!! Thank you!!
I so loved this blog, Ris, and then forgot to leave a comment because right after I read it I was pulled away to something else. And I can tell by the volume of comments that you reached many a heart!
I so resonated with this. I’m not sure if there is a Mom out there who hasn’t felt this exact “fear”, although I’m not sure we would have identified it as such.
I love your prayer and am actually praying that over my children. It was so good, why try to recreate, right?
Love your heart, as always!
You are amazing! God has done a complete MAKE OVER in your short life. My days are brightened when I hear of your passages in life and how God has healed your dark times. Believe me your dark and lonely times were my dark and lonely times as a Mother. God answered your Nana’s and my prayers for you. You are quite a wonderful and devoted Mother. You and Yuri without a question are guiding my grandsons on to eternity. The best gift of All. Hugs from San Diego, I love you. MOM
Thank you Mister! I kinda feel blessed myself!!!
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