Destiny In Bloom

Let’s Get it On!

Let’s Get it On!

posted on January 10th, 2011 / by Nancy Smith / 67 Comments

I have a confession to make.

[Deep breath]

I’ve been having an affair. It’s a rather torrid affair; been going on for about 16 1/2 years now. We have regular rendezvous, we’ve been known to run away together now and then, and I just can’t seem to get enough of him. We have a secret life, known only to the two of us.

Ok, ok, you got me. You can relax now – yes, I’m talking about my husband.

But seriously, for the last 16 years, we’ve been carrying on a passionate love affair with each other. Through times when other things in our lives were difficult, even contentious, we’ve managed to maintain a deep, abiding passion for one another; the bedroom’s always been fun.

Recently, I’ve had the rather revolting revelation that that’s not necessarily true for everyone.

Bummer.

[The story that follows is an amalgamation of several conversations I’ve had over the past few months. If you happen to recognize yourself, well, there you have it.]

Not too long ago I was sitting with a good friend, whom I’ll call Stella. Stella had had occasion to observe my husband and me together in a social setting and commented on the rather frequent affection with which we seem to relate to one another. I’m aware that the way I touch my husband in public hints at the intimacy that exists between us, but had not thought about it being noticeable.

Apparently, she noticed.

So she asked me about our sex lives. I answered, quite frankly.

Here are just a few of the topics we covered during that conversation, and since that time, both she and her husband have commented that things have much improved for them.

Glad to be of service!

1)  If he feels like a man outside the bedroom, he’ll be one in the bedroom, too.

Ladies, don’t expect that you can nag, belittle, correct and generally emasculate your man all day long, and then have him act the stud when you hit the sack. I’ve seen women treat their pets with more honor and respect than they do their husbands; then they complain about the lack of fulfilling sex, or even sex period, in their marriages.

Huh. Hello, genius.

The best piece of marital advice I ever, ever, ever received was this: Treat your husband as if he already were the man you want him to become. I mean, you have a vision for who he can be, right? So instead of correcting, nagging, trying to get him there, treat him as if he’s already arrived.

Hey! I think that’s called: honor.

When he feels ‘manly’, he’ll be only too happy to make you feel ‘womanly’.

2)  Take care of your own junk.

Here’s the meat of this deal right here. I find in talking to women, you’ve got one of two dynamics happening. Either they’re the good girl, or they’ve been the bad girl.

Both are problems. Here’s why.

In church culture, the tendency is to treat sex as ‘bad, bad, bad, dirty, bad – except when you get married. Then it should be wonderful and amazing.’ But nobody ever tells you WHY it’s bad before you get married, except that it won’t be good for your marriage, then how to make it wonderful AFTER you get married. So you’ve got tons of ‘good girls,’ who might not have ever kissed a dude (a VERY respectable and admirable goal, believe me. That’s for my teenaged daughters, should they read this). They’re pure – and uneducated. And they can’t seem to flip the switch that says, ‘ok, now sex is GOOD and FUN!’ They tend to look at sex as a duty to be fulfilled, rather than a glorious benefit and God-given spiritual connection with their mate.

And they miss the fact that it’s fun. With this particular friend, I got a little graphic. I gave her some suggestions she might try. Would that we all had someone to give us such advice! I have a sneaking suspicion that if Titus had been written by a woman, it might have included such instruction. Wish I’d had it before my honeymoon … don’t you?

Then you have the ‘bad girls,’ who might have made some unfortunate choices in their past and are still dragging around the baggage thus obtained. These ladies, now that they are suddenly doing the ‘right’ thing, tend to feel as if they now need to forget all that they learned in the past (it feels good, it’s fun, imagination) because ‘good girls’ don’t do those things. They’re trying to make up for past sin with current boredom. Guilt keeps them in bondage, even as they’re now living ‘right’.

Wrong.

Marriage is uniquely designed to bring two people together, in all the ways that they can be brought together, unlike any other relationship on the planet. Ideally, both parties come to the marriage bed a little naive, a little scared, and a lot pure. But if that isn’t the case (and there’s no condemnation here, believe you me), you may have brought something with you – images, feelings, unresolved connections. There is definitely healing and freedom from those things. Pursue that, wholeheartedly.

Sex is fun! It should be. It’s supposed to be. I mean, there’s a whole book of the Bible dedicated to it. Ever read Song of Solomon? I heard Mark Driscoll say that Song of Solomon isn’t some random metaphor or allegory, it’s an instruction manual. It’s love poetry. He talks about her lips and breasts. She talks about taking him to bed.

They enjoy each other. There’s nothing perfunctory about it – it’s ‘delightful’ and a ‘joy’. Why do you think folks get into so much trouble before marriage?

So if it was fun back then, and you wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t, why shouldn’t it be fun now? I mean, really? God designed it, right? He didn’t design it to be obligatory or boring – He designed it to be fun! Would the species continue if it wasn’t?

So yeah, get healed of anything you brought into your marriage that doesn’t belong there. But be open to the reality that sex really was designed to be fun!

3)  Use your imagination.

God gave us imaginations. I think we should use them.

You’ve heard the old adage about men being microwaves and women being ovens? Mostly true. So after a full day of work, housework, church, friend and family obligations, kids, money, what have you, the two of you fall into bed. He reaches for you, and you think, “Really? Now? DO you know what kind of day I’ve had??” Bang zoom, you roll over, both of you go to sleep frustrated.

Don’t pretend you’ve never done that. Liar.

Ok. Rewind. Crazy day – no doubt about it. But at some point, you intentionally think ahead a little bit. You know it’s been a couple days (maybe more…), and you’re pretty sure you know what he’ll be thinking tonight. So when you have a few minutes, you use that vivid imagination God gave you, and you, well, think things. You know what I mean. Imagine the two of you doing what it is you do. Prime the pump, so to speak.

Try it. I guarantee it works.

4) Have fun with each other.

Now. I’ve been told by some, “He’s just not interested.” How do you know? When was the last time you asked? Are you waiting for him every time? Geez, girl! Shoot yourself in the foot, why don’t you? Seriously, go for it. Don’t be subtle. Flirt.

Remember flirting? Yep – you still get to! He’ll love it. He’s waiting for it! You used to – you know how. And you know exactly how to flirt with him, just the way he likes it. Going on a date? Dress for him, down to – ahem – your, how shall we say, foundation garments? Good girls DO that stuff.

Take the initiative! TELL him what you want. Yep – I went there. Seriously. Be forward, blunt, brazen, all those things your momma warned you about. THIS is what you’ve been waiting for. Use all those feminine wiles you’ve been hiding. Use what yo momma gave you, if you catch my drift.

Plan ahead! And don’t give me the excuses – I don’t have time, you don’t know how crazy my life is, my kids, blah blah blah. If that’s really true, you need to set some boundaries in your life to give yourself and your spouse the connection you desperately need. Reset your priorities.

Put on some Barry White, baby. Within the parameters of the two of you, there can be a whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on.

5) Don’t use sex as a weapon.

Jimmy Evans talks about the dangers of holding things outside your marriage. Women have a tendency to hold sex outside their marriages; in other words, they use it either to manipulate or punish their spouse to obtain some desired outcome.

Wow.

Really?? I sat across from a woman once who said, “I won’t give him any until he does ____. If he really wants it, he’ll change.”

Uh, yeah. They’re not married anymore.

I heard of another woman who used it to get things she wanted, like clothes or furniture. I won’t even tell you what I think of that.

See, that power you hold over him can be dangerous. Wield it carefully.

6) It’s a spiritual connection you only get to have with him.

We’re always looking for spiritual connections. We can’t help it – it’s the way we’re wired. Don’t you just love when you meet a new friend, and you just – connect? We love that! We love the connections we have with our kids, friends, family, etc. Especially us women – we build whole ministries on ‘spiritual connections’ with other women.

But we forget the one we’re more spiritually tied to than any other on the planet. Remember the whole “two becoming one flesh” thing? The marriage ceremony, the reverend saying, “Do you? Do you? Ok, now kiss?” Yeah. Spiritual connection.

If you happened to be one that had such relations prior to your marriage, you know exactly what I’m talking about. In fact, you may really need to pursue healing in that area. Break some ties that might have been forged with other people, leaving you free to make the right tie. Those other soul ties may be what’s holding you back from really being free to connect with your husband.

On the positive, though, you have a unique opportunity to connect with your husband in a way that no one else on the planet has. Yep – through sex. There’s something deeply spiritual about sex that nothing else provides.

Think about it – even if we do look at sex as purely procreational, how creative is God that He would bring about the propagation of the species that way? Two become one, and a whole new being is created through it. Brilliant.

But even when it’s just purely for fun (it should be – regularly), sex in and of itself provides a cement, if you will, between the two of you that nothing else does, through the sheer intimacy of it. You’re never more vulnerable, more real, more open than in those moments with each other.

Ok. I know I might have gotten a little silly here, but this is serious stuff. If you have junk in the trunk, and we all do, deal with it. Let God deal with it. Get past it, so you and your spouse can discover ALL the benefits and enjoyments of marriage.

And have fun enjoying them!!

67 Responses to “Let’s Get it On!”

  1. When I read the title and first sentence I knew Nancy wrote this! Amen and Amen!!! My husband and I have been married for 21 years. We dated in high school and have seen each other at our best physically (now we've gained weight over the years, I have stretch marks, etc). BUT, our sex life gets better and better!!!! It does take intentionality and creativity. People carve out some time for the things important to them each day like reading, tv or exercise so why would we neglect sex which can be so fulfilling physically, emotionally and spiritually? My husband and I have actually been at odds with one another, had sex anyway and somehow it healed whatever bad vibe we had between us. Thanks for sharing Nancy! This is a subject that Christian women do need to talk about.

  2. Oh YEAH! I loved this,Thanks for sharing Nancy and we're so excited to have you as a part of Destiny in Bloom!

  3. Very good stuff! I love the reminder that we have a way to connect spiritually with our husband that no one else can.We have such a powerful place of influence. Sometimes in my world of duties, kids, family, life it is easy to forgot that it is a spiritual thing. Great job on speaking truth in a down to earth way on a subject not often tackled or tackled in a way that women can relate to.

  4. Yeaaaaaaaah NANCY!!!! Way to go!!! :-) PROUD OF YOU, friend!

    And I'm taking notes! ;-)

  5. WOOHOOOO baby! I am so excited to see a Godly, Pastor's wife, (oh my ;-) ) talk about the elephant in the room for so many evangelical Christian women! Amen sista, sex should be FUN! And christian women should be having the most exciting, most orgasmic sex of all the women on our planet, because we know the ONE that created it and what He intended it to be. Rock on Nancy, and may God continue to bless your bedroom!

  6. Great stuff! Loved it! Thanks, Nancy. :)

  7. That was hysterically refreshing! I hope a lot of women read this and let it sink in.

  8. LOVE "it" Nancy and the article too. ;P
    So thankful that women are finally talking about sex in a way that is positive and affirming of the gift it was meant to be. I'd love for one day the Christian family to have the sex talk in a way that is not based in fear, but allows sons and daughters to grow up with a healthy attitude about their married future. Thank you that you have "Primed the pump, so to speak." LOL!

  9. Awesome job!

  10. Wow! This is a great subject, one of my faves! :) It's so true, we have the capability to nurture our husband or cut off what makes him who he is! Being a "good" girl when I met my husband I had so many expectations of how "it" should be and it just wasn't. But boy has "it" gotten better! 10 fabulous years. If we only had the courage to be who we were created to be, there would be a lot of people with happy endings! Thanks Nancy!

  11. Way to go Nancy! I've heard so many of these same conversations you've mentioned here and I always think – "These women don't know what they're missing!" A proper perspective and attitude towards our husband and our sex life can make HUGE improvements in every area of our life. At least that's my opinion. It's such a vital relationship that influences our home, our children, our "happiness" and so much more – it's worth the effort.

    Thanks for being so blunt! The Christian world needs that more often!

    Love ya – K

  12. I wonder how many babies will be born approximately 9 months from now thanks to you :)

  13. Fantastic! Loved every word of it! Thanks for making the topic of sex "normal" and applicable!

  14. Nancy, I LOVED this! So refreshing in how you wrote it. So full of practical advice. So glad you are writing for DIB. Now if you'll excuse me I need to call my husband….;)

  15. Amazing article! I've enjoyed they R&D that went into it a great deal. :) ____You are an amazing writer and I'm a very proud husband!!!

  16. Loved this!

  17. Good stuff! Love the topic, the humor, the realness and that you added in the spiritual aspect of it as well. Hurray for (married :) sex! Thanks for sharing and congrats on the new gig!

  18. LOVE IT!!!!! Nancy!!! We should be friends!!:) Close Friends!!:) Everything you wrote about I am saying yes and amen sister!! It's so true that you are more vulnerable, more real, more open than in those moments with each other. Intimacy plays a huge role in having an amazing marriage.
    Your article was fun and enjoyable to read with so many great truths!! Can't wait to read more!!
    Welcome to the team!!
    ~Maree

  19. Nancy, welcome to DIB! Thank you for this article. I teach "divorce recovery" (with a heart toward reconcilliation) and this is a topic we discuss there. Especially the "not using sex as a weapon" part. Thank you for being bold enough to say what needs to be said to ALL women. Ladies … are you LISTENING??? Nancy has given you the best "New Year's" present you could ask for … no go unwrap it.

  20. Welcome to the DIB team, Nancy!

    I love the way you write. So straight-forward and tell-it-like-it-is but with a refreshing sense of humor that keeps it all from feeling too weighty. That is the kind of writing that so resonates with me!!! I have this sneaking suspicion that conversation with you is the same way. ;)

    What a great way to tackle sex and intimacy. This was like a mini-marriage seminar. You know? The breakout session for women kind? Love that you infused this article with the importance of flirting and the whole "prime the pump" thing! I think we expect or are even taught that priming is a duty to our husbands, but you put that in a whole new light. I've got a new tool in my arsenal thanks to you!

    Babs

  21. Nancy, this was AWESOME!!!! I love your writing style and your honesty. I am so glad you wrote about this topic. LOVED IT!!!!! Now I'm ready to go home and see my husband!!!!!! :-)
    Love – Stacy

  22. This was a perfect post for a "revirginated" single just entering a new relationship. Thank you for saying exactly what 99% of us rarely admit to thinking! What a refreshing post! Thanks

  23. And THIS is why we chose you guys to do our premarital counseling 10 years ago…your great advice has got us still going strong, and four kids later!! A lotta love!!! Or would that be lovin?? Well said my precious heart friend.

  24. Loved it Nancy. Being newly married I can say Amen!! And don't plan on losing this aspect of our marriage. I have also noticed the imitacy in the bedroom carries over into our every day lives. If the imitacy fades in the bedroom, it will fade in the rest of the marriage. Time to go and practice.

  25. Nancy, this was amazing. You are a great writer…and Alan is my hero. Ok, I read it twice. Alan is my super hero :)

    - Yuri Star

  26. Nancy!!!

    Welcome to the DIB team! We are sooo thrilled to have you and love … LOVE … the voice the Holy Spirit has given you as you write from your heart!

    We miss out in life when we don't realize that one of the deepest and richest gifts God has given us is fun and enjoyable … ahem … sex ;) Thank you for tackling this subject head on and no doubt strengthening some marriages … your a dangerous woman Nancy! … pretty sure the enemy is upset ;) Girl, you done good!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  27. As a single "good girl" reading this was really amazing! THANK YOU! Learning day in and day out how to better pray for my future spouse! Not just that, but learning better to honor the men in my everyday life! "Treat your husband as if he already were the man you want him to become. I mean, you have a vision for who he can be, right? So instead of correcting, nagging, trying to get him there, treat him as if he’s already arrived." so true, even for the "just friends" in my life. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

  28. "Through times when other things in our lives were difficult, even contentious, we’ve managed to maintain a deep, abiding passion for one another." I read this and thought, REALLY? Really wonderful, that is. The idea that you would choose to draw close to your husband in this way even on the heals of a fight or such is so topsy turvy to me. I still fight this pre-marriage mentality that you don't give yourself physically to someone you are not connected to. And I am 7 years into my marriage! What you helped remind me is that I am never disconnected from my husband, even on our hardest days, because we are one. So why make it a lonely night because we had a lonely day? No really, I am asking myself why. And guess what – I can't think of a good reason anymore. :)

    Then next time I am truly looking to get to heart of the matter in a conversation, I think I might just fast forward past the frustration to where true intimacy exists…in the bedroom. But not JUST in the bedroom, because sex is fun after all. ;)

  29. BTW – I thought this was such a good post I decided to take a chance and post it on my professional twitter. I am a wedding photographer who thought other business associates and brides could greatly benefit from this.

    My message:
    All you MRS out there, read this! Tips on how to stay twitterpated with your love dove! http://destinyinbloom.com/lets-get-it-on

  30. “Really? Now? DO you know what kind of day I’ve had??” Bang zoom, you roll over, both of you go to sleep frustrated.

    Don’t pretend you’ve never done that. Liar.

    And this was the point where I laughed out loud. Nancy, you are a fantastic writer. Please keep bringing it.

  31. Thanks, Melissa! I'm so excited, too!!!

    This is so much fun…:D

  32. Thanks, Julie. I agree – we forget how much influence we really have.
    Thanks for the encouragement!!!

  33. Good girl. ;-)

  34. Thanks, friend! I receive that blessing!! ;-)

  35. Thanks, Donna!!

  36. Thanks – me too!!

  37. Thanks, friend.
    I agree – I'm hoping to raise my kids with a healthy attitude. This is a step!

  38. Thanks, Jess!
    Good on ya, mate! 10 years and still rockin'!! :D

  39. Thanks, friend!!! You're right – they don't know what they're missing. Hopefully, I gave them permission to get a little taste…:D

  40. Not a bad outcome, aye?

  41. Thanks – anytime! ;-)

  42. Good on ya, mate! ;-)
    Thanks, friend!

  43. Hee hee – me too!!
    Love you, baby. Thanks for the encouragement! Couldn't have done it without you! ;-)

  44. Thanks, Leah!

  45. Thanks, Amber!
    Hurrah, indeed! ;-)

  46. Thanks, Maree! Glad to be a part.
    As for being friends – I'm IN!!! :D

  47. Unwrapping can be the best part…;-)

    Thanks! :D

  48. Thanks, Babs! SO glad to be a part!

    Enjoy the tool…

  49. Thanks, Stacy!! I enjoyed writing it…;-)

  50. Thanks, Carrie!

  51. Thanks, friend. Glad to help. ;-)

  52. Exactly, Karen!!
    Practice makes perfect, you know. ;-)
    Thanks!!

  53. Mine too. ;-)

    Thanks, Yuri!

  54. Thanks, friend! So glad to be here!
    Thanks for giving my voice a place to be heard. This is FUN!!! :D

  55. Love this. You're right – you're never disconnected (one flesh, you know!), and you can choose to connect in a very real way when other things seem to be pulling you apart.

    Thanks!!!

  56. Why, thank ya, ma'am!! Hope it's helpful. :D

  57. Workin' on it, sister. :D
    Thanks for the love!!

  58. Thanks, Babs! So humbled and excited about this opportunity.

    Enjoy the new knowledge…;-)

  59. AMEN sista!

  60. Nancy – Awesome article!! Thanks for writing it!

  61. Nancy, you are a brilliant writer and a beautiful soul!!

  62. Really enjoyed reading this! You're a gifted and entertaining writer. I'm really looking forward to reading more of what you write. And welcome to the DIB family!

  63. Thank you so much! As a single, teen girl who's grown up in a home that is discreet about sex, it's refreshing to hear a wife to say that it is beautiful and FUN. And not only that, how to make it better. Thank you!!!!! I'll go back to praying for my future marriage now. :)

  64. This article was an eye opener for me. The portion where you spoke about soul ties. I had never even heard of such a thing. It made alot become very clear to me for the first time though. Thank you so much for this article.

  65. Nancy, this was such a great read!! thank you for being so blunt, honest and real, that's what we need more of. you should know, brandon and I want to be like you and Alan when we get married!! :)

  66. Your advice is wonderful. However, what happens when my husband in not the least bit interested in sex? He says it's, "Not on his radar!" I've been dealing with this for 22 years of my 26 year marriage, and I'm FED UP! I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I'm so frustrated. I love him, but I can't live like this. I'm so angry and hurt.

  67. Hi. Honestly, I just saw this comment. I would love to follow up with you…you can email me at nancy@destinyinbloom.com. I'm so sorry for how much this hurts you.