Journey of Discovery
posted on February 18th, 2010 / by Bonnie Ruth Rolf / 14 CommentsWhat happens when you think you’ve reached the point of feeling you know all there is of God? When you feel as if the journey is finished and this whole thing called “being a Christian” is just about doing and how much knowledge you have? When in a moment you realize there is no heart connection and you feel empty and cold? When you’re left to question, “What is this all about?”
When I moved to Texas from Michigan I have to admit my heart was in a state of brokenness and had become cold with disillusionment. It was as if I felt nothing except for numbness, yet at the same time there was such a high intensity of pain present.
I had come to a point of fully believing there was nothing more to God, nothing else to learn of him. I know … that sounds really religious and arrogant, but it was the reality of my heart. I really believed that lie for a long time and never even realized it. The belief was so hard core that I was like, “Why have I been doing this my whole life? What is this all for? How can I serve a God that I’ve already figured out, when there is nothing more to discover or anything else to touch and see of him?” I FELT SO LOST!
For a long time, I wallowed in self-pity and cried tons of tears. I know that just sounds girly but it was really more about my heart crying out than being emotional. My heart was as hard as ice.
After about a year of being here in Texas, I found myself battling sickness for close to three months. One night I came home, took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant and miscarrying all at the same time. It was the most PAINFUL moment of my life. I was devastated and angry and had never felt such pain, physically or emotionally, in my life. A life was being ripped from my heart and my body.
Even though I had not known I was pregnant before the test, I some how had an instant connection to that life inside me. That bond lead me to a moment where I had to decide what God was to me. Did I really believe there was no more to him? Could I open up my heart again, or would I close it off for good? Can I just tell you that right there in that moment I had never felt the touch of God and the realness of his heart for me as I did screaming in my bed that night from all the hurt. I made the step in my own cold and darkened heart to open it up to Father God again; and in the midst of death, I felt life. It was not about what I did or did not do, or even about my head knowledge, it was simply a moment of hope that brought about faith–raw faith! I knew right then, even in the most painful loss I had ever known, that there was more to him. I would be on a journey of discovering him and allowing him to pursue me.
Right around that same time, we had some friends that were new on their journey and relationship with the Lord. As I watched the Lord drawing them in, and their growth journey in him, it became a live picture of God’s pursuit of us. It was powerful. It was another moment the Lord brought into my life to soften in my heart.
The key is: God NEVER stops pursuing us, we just stop letting him.
This whole season in my journey of discovering, Jason was praying for me and loving me just for who I was and how I felt, which most of the time I did not understand; but I look back now and see how and why. Having the right mate really counts, because he was truly a living example of God’s heart for me. It allowed me to eventually start feeling more than just pain. It is part of what took me from being lost to seeing more clearly.
This journey of discovering was all about God showing me he loved me enough to pursue me. I discovered my heart again, but even more so, I discovered that his heart is never ending.
All of this was to share with you that God is pursuing you and wants you to know he loves you. It is not about church. It is not about perfect religion. It is about your heart being connected to Fathers’; and realizing that there is more to his heart and more to yours. When they connect again, you will see wonders; you will see new and fresh glimpses of him. You will not just feel again, but you will feel deep passion again.
What is your heart story, and where are you in the journey of discovering?
Bonnie-Ruth is passionate about living out loud in the midst of the good the bad and the ugly that life brings, allowing others to see that they are not alone in whatever they are facing. She desires to see people, especially woman, experience the freedom of being exactly who they are at all times, rather than trying to play a “role”. She enjoys watching movies, shopping and drinking a good Starbucks … it’s how she takes a breather from the demands of life. Her favorite things are celebrating with friends, planning parties and hanging with family. Bonnie Ruth and her husband Jason have been married 9 years April 2010 and look forward to the day they become parents. Together they have been in ministry for 9 years and are now the lead pastors of a new church plant, Freedom Church in McKinney TX. She says, that her most incredible life moments are, “When my hubby and I said “I do” to each other and when we said “we will” to planting Freedom Church.Doing life in her community & meeting new people is her new thrill. She is on the most exciting journey of her life and would not want to be doing anything else. The Rolf’s believe ever story matters and no matter where you are or what you are doing; you can learn something from someone else’s story.
Freedom Church – www.freedomchurchnow.com
Bonnie! What a story. I’m so proud of you for being so honest about what you’ve gone through! I’m forwarding your entry to a few friends who I know need to hear this. I know I did! Love you!
I really love this! Great testimony of how God gives beauty for ashes. What could be more beautiful than the realization of God’s passionate love turning our heart to know Him deeper. Blessings to you in your new ministry.
Loved what you wrote Bonnie Ruth! You honesty is one of the things I so love about you! Thank you for your committment to be real! Love you friend!!!
I loved the testimony of never giving up on God. even of u feel like u are the Lord brings new joy and life to u so u can renew ur faith on him. He always reaching out to teach u more about him and taken u to a higher level of knowing him with each trial we endure. Praise the Lord for such a well written heart warming teastimony of your last few years knowing God, Bonnie Ruth. I love you. Aunt Rena
Bonnie Ruth, thanks for your authenticity in your story. I love it that you guys are planting a church!
I just love your heart, your willingness to be used by God and the vulnerability you have to just step out there and talk about things that others are going through but are not saying. I believe that we all go through that time when we hit a wall with God when we think “is that it”? And I know that it’s at that point that we can choose to stay there or go deeper. Thanks for your sharing your heart and life with others, love you!
this is an amazing story. i love it! Thanks for opening up your heart, BR.
Love, Liz
Bonnie Ruth,
I’ve been it that place (thinking this is it, I know God) … only to have Him ROCK my world in the best way possible. It’s like I watched people on dance floor with God for way to long and then I accepted the invitation to dance even if it meant I’d look like a fool some days as I was learning to dance and even stepping on my Savior’s toes as I learned to let Him lead. And now … I NEVER want to stop dancing!
Thanks for sharing your story and heart with us at DIB! I know your story stirred hearts and inspired hope!
Great Love!
~Ris
Thanks everyone for the love and sweet words. But even more thank you for hearing my story and allowing God to touch your story.
Love each of you MUCH!!
BR
BR I love you so much and I am so glad you allowed Father to catch you again! You have always had a pure/soft heart and it was very hard to see you walk through that season. However, it will serve you well as you reach into the lives of so many whose hearts are hardened toward God. It will show you the way when compassion needs to be extended as Jason did so well. You have emerged a more beautiful person with a greater understanding of His grace! I love you big as the whole wide world and will always be one of your greatest supporters. I am proud of you! Dad.
Bonnie Ruth- thank you for sharing your amazing heart journey and being ever so transparent. I love to think about God pursuing me… and it’s so true, it’s not about a church or a religion..it’s truly about being connected to the Fathers heart! Bless you! Celeste Barnard =}
Bonny Ruth,
I love how openly and transparantly you’ve shared your heart!!! I would open my heart in a minute with you and feel safe!!! You are a precious!!!
Hugs,
Linda Sluiter
“The key is: God NEVER stops pursuing us, we just stop letting him.”
So True! In all situations, this applies. Whether we’ve have experienced what you have, or not, this is the key! So rightly put!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us, Bonnie Ruth. Just this morning, I was pouring out my heart to God and he showed me how much he pursues me – even when I feel so lost and alone and such a disappointment to Him. I was finally able to catch up on the Destiny blog and here you are – reminding me and confirming to me that the God we love never, no, not ever, stops pursuing us.
I love watching what God is doing in your life. I’m so grateful God brought us together for such a time as this. You have a beautiful heart and an amazing family surrounding you. You are blessed beyond measure – and you bless others! That’s the circle of life!