It All Depends On You …
posted on November 23rd, 2009 / by Paul Shabay / 16 CommentsFight ‘em till Hell freezes over, then fight ‘em on the ice! Can you imagine your beefy no-neck son standing onstage of a “Most Handsome, Most Beautiful Pageant” in high school and declaring this is his motto for life? Needless to say, I was in the wrong place and received the boot for more obvious reasons than my pompous pledge, but it does give a bit of insight into my attitude and demeanor. My poor parents endured so much in the way of fights, drinking, and other more serious things that I won’t go into although I believe the statute of limitations has expired. Honestly, they were such great, church-going, small town, loving parents and yet I did things that would make your skin crawl. As you know, those of us who dare to tread down a destructive path most oftentimes find exactly that.
I was playing football at T.C.U. as a freshman and traveling all over the country with plans of playing football as a career. Football was my identity, where I received my strokes, my comfort zone, my validity and my reputation. I had worked so hard and wanted it so much it hurt. My dreams were coming true and after a successful start, about the eighth game into the season, we were playing Texas Tech and I was on the trainer’s table at halftime. I couldn’t lift my arms when Coach Wacker busted through the door and yelled “CAN YOU GO! HUH, CAN YOU GO!” For the first time in my life I yelled back and said “Hell ya I can go, I’ve been going all *@#^ing year!” And that was the last time I ever played football.
I visited five different neurosurgeons over the course of nine months in hopes of finding someone who would release me to play again, but my injury was worse than expected. I had permanent root damage in the nerves of my neck and risked paralysis if I ever played again. That day I broke, felt weak, ashamed, and as if I’d disappointed everyone in my life. I was mad at God and no longer trusted He would protect me.
Life moved on as it always does and my resistance slowly turned to dependence on the Lord. I volunteered to be a Young Life leader and thoroughly enjoyed that role as well as the role of coaching football to earn and maintain my scholarship. I was planning a wedding to Tracy my senior year and desired more freedom, so I asked if I could video instead of coach. I was granted this favor and was very appreciative. It was the final home game of the season; I was lugging my equipment through the masses when I caught a vision of my father. I was truly embarrassed and didn’t want to shame him by allowing him to see me as a grunt rather than a player. I squirmed and bumped people out of the way and out of his sight. That night I went to Tracy’s apartment and cried for an hour in fetal position on her lap.
I’ll never forget realizing that night that God had more in store for me and that the process of humbling me had only just begun. I realized how shallow my relationship with Him was and that if I were to ever contribute to His Kingdom, I must surrender myself fully to His will. I was scared, but at least I had Tracy, my education, a career path, and hopes that God would allow for growth and fresh starts.
“Everyone lights your fire except for me” were the words spoken through tears after six years of marriage. Tracy and I tried to work things out, but she resolved she had endured enough of me being gone in the name of ministry. I was coaching about eighty to ninety hours a week and then spending countless hours with high school kids trying to lead them to Christ and nurture the ones who were new in their faith. Those of you who have experienced divorce know there is always more and it is impossible to explain the intricacies of all the details that lead to such injurious behavior. On all fours, heaving in my living room, I was stripped of all I held dear. I was a failure; a failure to my wife, my daughter, my family, my friends, and all those who held me in such high regard. Yet it was from this heap that the Lord began His greatest work in me.
I struggled and prayed trying to hold onto my faith that God was for me, much less with me. It was deep into one of the darkest nights of my life when I prayed a prayer for Jesus to reveal my sin to me. It was this single prayer that changed the way I viewed everything and everyone. Jesus was so precious and sweet in regards to answering. He chose to humble me without humiliating me. He slowly began over the course of two years to reveal facial expressions, reactions to news from Tracy, how I justified my time, my selfishness, pride and so much more as if I were watching a movie of all my past failures. Although this seems really terrifying, it wasn’t when He was there. Like a child I began to trust Him with my deepest concerns, dreams, issues of insecurities, and my worth to Him. Maybe the most difficult to deal with was my knowledge of my potential coupled with the frailty of my faith. It was in the midst of another dark night when I penned this poem:
It All Depends On You …
A mighty river races
A hummingbird chases
A dark night erases
The sun’s different faces
The clouds silver lining laces
A rainbow searching for song traces
As few true lover embraces
It All Depends On You …
A young pregnant girl braces
A soldier displaces
A fatherless son disgraces
The mother that retraces
The steps she paces
A congregation’s voice raises
As a holy joy replaces
All a symphony of Your good graces
All the earth sings Your name
For the great I AM’s glory and fame
It All Depends On You …
For I AM food when you are hungry
I AM your comfort when you cry
I AM your lover when you’re lonely
I AM the answer to your why
I AM the way when you stray
I AM water when you thirst
I AM clarity in confusion
I AM joy in the presence of pain
I AM hope in the face of trial
I AM King of kings
I AM Lord of lords
I AM strength in weakness
I AM light in your darkness
I AM forgiveness of your sin
I AM more than you comprehend
I AM freedom from addiction
I AM the healer of all afflictions
I AM LOVE!
In the past ten years I have continued to question, but I also continue to learn and apply which has blessed my life with a fullness I cannot possibly comprehend. There is always so much more to say and share so that the pieces of the puzzle of my life seem neat and orderly, but they are not. I fight for my faith everyday and sometimes I lose, but Jesus continues to walk with me through this mess and bless me with adventures if I’ll only say yes. More opportunities to say, “I DO” stirs my heart and provides the passion to soldier on and press into a God that knows no boundaries, is wild and fierce, controlled by nothing in this world, and yet continues to fight till Hell freezes over for disobedient children who desire to find their way back to the lap of their Father so they can once again find rest and peace that passes all understanding. Please, continue to fight for all that God has prepared for you and as we wrestle with ourselves may we eventually tire and surrender ourselves fully to what He purposed us for from the beginning.
Paul has a 14-year-old daughter that he passionately loves. Time with family and friends is his greatest of pleasures and he absolutely relishes the opportunity to teach the young men and women of Keller High School. He and his brother are best friends and they decided to start their own non-profit called Revive Africa that serves over ninety children in Sierra Leone, Africa where they visit often.
You can read more about what Paul and his brother Chris are doing to support orphanages in Sierra Leone, Africa at RiveAfrica.com and Missionsfitness.com
This is so encouraging in so many different ways. This encourages me to die to myself and the things I hope for and find identity in. So many times God opens a door and I say, “NO!” I WILL fight for the the destiny and purpose God has for me! Thank you so much for sharing one of your stories with us, so we could allow God to do a work in our hearts!
Wow, Paul! Sharing your amazing story & God’s love through it is truely brave and something most men would not dare do! We’ve all made imperfect choices knowingly & unknowingly, but His beautiful grace is so obvious in you as you have submitted to Him & invited Him to fill you! In my own brokeness, He has filled my human gaps with more of Him & I realize the crappy hand I’ve been dealt before has been a gift that kept me at His feet! No one benefits from your heart for Jesus mire than your precious daughter who will never forget the love of her father! Mine died when I was just eight, yet he impressioned my foundation forever! Thank you so much for worshipping Him through your story! Can’t wait to kick this cold and come back to boot camp! Thanks Paul!!
So like my Jesus…”He chose to humble me without humiliating me”. Great line. Thanks for sharing!
This one blew me away…thank you for letting him share his story!! It’s unbelievably encouraging to know there are men out there who are honest enough to say what is really going on in their lives…what God is doing and is continuing to do. I can relate to feeling like I’ve failed, in my marriage, with my kids, and especially with my family…and continuing to try and figure out where it is I’m supposed to be in this life. Thanks so much for posting this!
An amazing story Paul and thank you for sharing. It hit home for me on so many levels, especially right at this juncture in my life. Love the poem and your raw honesty. I miss seeing you weekly but will be back soon. May God continue to use you to testify of his great love!
Paul – I loved the raw emotion you expressed in this blog. I know that this was just the tip of the iceberg. I sense that you could write a book about your life … and if you did I’m sure it would minister to many people.
Thank you for sharing your story with us and for showing us that God meets us right where we are. It’s not always pretty, but that’s OK.
Blessings,
Stacy
Thank you so much Paul for sharing this with DIB. It is one of my favorites! I especially like the “I AM” part of the poem because God has been all that to me over the years through regret, disappointment, and pain. My sweetest memories are made up of His intimate provision for me when I had nothing but Him. I know that your story is ministering to MANY!
Paul, thank you for putting your heart out there. As the mother of a teenage son in a world full of so many temptations I am greatful for you as a role model. I too have had God strip me of alll I held dear only to give me all He had! I am so thankful to my heavenly father, the only real father I have ever known for showing me that He is enough! You are a treasure!
Great read. Thanks for being so transparent and honest. Amazing story of an amazing man! You are such a wonderful teacher and not only to your students but to all of us.
Paul this was amazing. Thank you for your transparency, which is probably a testimony in and of itself. It’s remarkable how God is using you to touch the lives of so many.
Thank you so much for all the encouragement. You all will never know what it means to me. This group of women came out of nowhere and helped me in so many ways; the least of which is providing for the orphans in Africa. Please know I’d rather read your story than mine, so thank you again not only for taking the time to read, but to give such positive feedback as well. I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving with your families.
I’m in tears over a story I’ve heard bits and pieces of many times. Tracy’s voice here … “Everyone lights your fire except for me” just split me wide open. As always, thank you for your obedience to walk through each door He puts in front of you, even when it involves contributing to a woman’s blog with mostly woman readers. How far He has brought that “beefy no-neck brute of a son!”
I can’t imagine their pride when they see how BIG your life is …
I love you man! Thanks for sharing your story.
I especially loved this blog because there have been many times in my own life that I have found myself broken on a journey through “brutally honest land” coming to terms with all the why’s. Now when I look back on those hard times they have become sweet because I found out God lives there … the place where we become real and then we become relevant to a hurting world that desperately needs to know what overcoming looks like. Some days it looks like freedom, some days utter dependence, and other days clinging to a God we know is faithful.
Paul … thank you so much for hearing God, even when it meant changing direction in your writing. It was inspiring, touching, and so HIM! I know ALL of our DIB readers were blessed.
with Great love!,
~Ris
Hey Paul,what an incredible testimony!! I love the courage that you have and the passion for the truth that God has given you!! I truly am honored to know you!! Be Blessed!!!:)
~Maree
“He chose to humble me without humiliating me.”
There is so much content within your story, but this line you wrote really spoke to me. Only Jesus can bring humility with humiliation. What a sweet way to bring you around to desired change He had waiting for you.
I know the pain of divorce, the painful sting of feeling like I failed at one of the most important decisions of my life. Yet God has such a sweet way of bringing us through our “failures” and turning them into good testimonies for His glory.
Thank you for sharing your story with us and for bringing God that much closer to us through your beautiful poem.