I was recently reminded of the day I first saw what women are supposed to be to each other. In my previous experience other chicks were to be endured and then ignored. They smiled to your face, complimented your hair and then made snotty comments about the length of your skirt as you walked away. Especially church chicks, they were the worst.
I was 23 and had gotten married, moved 1500 miles from home, and had a baby in a year and a half. I was working the opening shift at Starbucks which meant getting up at 2:45 am to nurse the baby and get ready for work so I could be there by 4:15 am to open the store. After work I still had all day with the boys while Jason went to his job at the church. He worked every service he could get since he was working as contract labor, most nights he didn’t get home until about 9:30 pm then we’d have dinner and try to get to bed by eleven. So I had gone 8 months living on about 3 ½ hours of sleep. Add to that the fact that I had recently discovered that when people tell you, “The first years of marriage are the hardest.” it’s actually some sort of secret code for- “The first few years of marriage really suck… A lot.”
Oh yes, and I was also completely losing a secret battle with Bulimia…I don’t know that it was even a battle, more like a total slaughter.
I was sleep deprived, guilty, & discouraged. I didn’t want to go to life group (bible study) because to the women around here, Bible study doesn’t mean pajama pants and a sweatshirt like back home in California. They go toe up (as in groomed from toes to hair) every week. I felt like I was in another country sometimes. I smeared on a little lipgloss and managed to drag myself there and sit through the first part of group. I don’t think I heard a word that was said. All I could think as I sat there was “I am just so tired. I have to go to Costco since I can’t waste the gas I used to drive over to this part of town. I am so tired, what did I need to get there anyways? God, I am so freaking tired…”
Someone asked if there were any prayer requests and before I knew what was happening everything came out like a big ugly flood and I was bawling and snotting, even swearing, I think. I just fell apart in a horribly spectacular way.
I expected them to pray for me or give me scriptures to read or something like that. But they sent me off to the guest bedroom to sleep for a bit while they finished life group. They woke me up and then one woman took me to lunch, while another picked my kids up from the church and took them home so another woman could take me to Costco and help me get through the seemingly ordinary task that was so overwhelming me. They then took turns over the next few months picking up my children in the afternoon a few days a week so I could nap. Some came and just sat and visited with me so I had another adult to talk to. They gave me practical help and friendship. They believed in me when I didn’t have the strength to believe in much of anything, let alone in myself. I had never seen what healthy friendships looked like before and for the first time I began to see why chicks like to hang out with other chicks! They weren’t just nuts after all! Who knew?
Over the course of a year or two I began to realize that having other females in your life is more than just having someone to go shopping with (though, that is a great perk). Having girlfriends means having someone who will support you on the days you feel like the World’s Worst Mom, and tell you that they too have lost it and screamed at their children when they should have just laughed or laughed when they should have spanked them. Someone who sees past the baby peas smeared on your pajama top and your leaky breasts and tells you that you have a purpose beyond changing diapers and mopping up baby barf. A girlfriend can commiserate and encourage and then tell you to get up off your butt when you need a kick in the pants. They tell you that, “A snapshot of your worst day does not define who you are.” (Thanks Ris)
My girlfriends have embraced my quirks and called out my gifts and called me on my faults. They are my co-conspirators, the sisters of my soul, secret keepers, and stylists. They know that I dance in my kitchen and car, that I hate mustard so much it isn’t allowed in my house and that I am a huge bookworm. They are a safe place. They have made me a more complete woman, a more confident mother and a more compassionate wife…and who doesn’t need that?
-Superchi[k]
Lyrics to song “Alright”
There’s so much on my mind lately
I can’t make out my own thoughts anymore
I don’t know where one begins and the other one ends
I wish that I could push a button and turn it all off
Just for a little while
Long enough to take a breath and then I’ll know
It’ll be OK, It’ll be Alright
It’ll be OK, It’ll be Alright
There’s so much that needs to be done lately
I can’t make out what’s important anymore
I don’t know where my needs begin and someone else’s end
I don’t wanna let anyone down cause
I feel like I’m falling down when I do
But for now would someone else please volunteer to say…
It’ll be OK, It’ll be Alright
It’ll be OK, It’ll be Alright
Life is hard for everyone so let’s blow it all off
Just for a little while
Let’s take a break
It’ll still be there when we get back
I always try to solve all our problems by working real hard
Going just another mile
But every now and then I think we should let it go and say…
It’ll be OK, It’ll be Alright
It’ll be OK, It’ll be Alright
This is my last verse and it’s for everyone feeling not so great today
We don’t know what’s coming just around the bend
Always hard to believe in your own life; easier to find belief for a friend
I’ll hope for you
You for me
and together we can say…
It’ll be OK, It’ll be Alright
It’ll be OK, It’ll be Alright
MA,
Great post..thanks for telling it like it is, and showing both sides of church chicks…and thanks for the encouragement to find the better side.
Loved it! Nothing ministers to me more than when someone takes off their mask and becomes vulnerable and real. You go girl!!!! Can’t wait to read more.
Very powerful…left me hoping that I will get to meet you!
Ok, I caught myself tearing up on this one. sniff sniff ;} Thank you for being so real in your writing. You have shown us an amazing example of what I think God would like us as women and friends to be more like. To take off our masks, let go of ‘our’ agenda and see what God has in store for us. His plans are always way better than our own any ways! Oh,and love the Super Chick song!
That really made me miss you! I remember that life group, although I joined later… It is really cool to see it from your perspective 3+ years later! God has done some amazing things through you!
WOW, that was great, Im speachless. You let it all out without missing a beat.
I’m so proud of you for being so transparent. It helps those of us, ok I mean me, who tries to be perfect but fails miserably. Love you and thanks!
I am so very proud of you my sister. You have no idea how I needed these words right now. I am so thankful that God put you in that group, on that day with those specific women. I love you!
beautifully written. most people only dream of having that type of talent. Don’t ever stop!!
Beautifully honest…Thank you.
I remember the season you were going through as my oldest son was working side by side with your hubby at church during that time. (Still works with your hubby at church, actually.) I’ve watched you grow into such a beautiful woman of God! You are a joy to know and such an example to other young moms.
I’m proud of you, Melissa. 
Thank you for sharing and being a blessing to others.
Great job Melissa! We all need to know that we are not alone in our struggles of momhood. Thanks for sharing.
Dearest Mel,
Boy is it hard to have you so far away when all I want to do is reach out and hug you! I am so very proud of you – your honesty, your growth, your willingness to embrace the woman God designed you to be. There is no greater gift than sharing yourself, your passions and gifts with others. Thanks for the reminder that we all need to be showing God’s love through action. Continue to bloom where you are planted (your roots have really traveled far!). Love you, miss you, blessed to call you “Daughter”.
Thanks for sharing and being so honest. It’s so cool to see how women truely are a blessing in so many ways. I think that a lot of us grow up with the stereo type that you talked about. I’m so glad that it’s not true!!!
Isn’t it wonderful to be a woman! What a wonderful read.
When honesty is defined…I’m sure your name is a synonym. I love when people are willing to get beyond what life “should” look like and how it’s supposed to be lived, and give it to us in unabandoned honesty. You not only gave us honesty, but through your life story, you’ve inspired me. Getting down into the trenches with a friend, or someone who has to become a friend, is so much more important than making sure all the questions are answered at the back of the most recent study book. These women changed your opinion of what real chicks are like because they put the book down and loved all over you…and not just for the day when it was convenient, but for as long as you needed it. You have a great group of women!
Wow….I am so impressed with your honesty. Thank you for sharing your life experience with us. It’s not easy being a woman….and yet we all wear our badges proudly.
I am so glad that you have woman in your life who can speak truth to you, that is so what we all need. I’ve been learning to step out and be bold in confronting others that mean so much to me.
Great job, Melissa! Reminded me of why I think you’re one of the coolest chicks I know!
That was beautiful!
This was the kind of real that I woke up needing this morning!
I have lost my safety in the women I once called friends. Thankfully I have a family full of women who are godly and truly my best friends! But still, I wanted to believe that there are more real women who will lead my real life with me. And the raw details of your story really gave me hope this morning.
I know the Lord is telling me to try again. Look again. They are out there.
Now that my eyes are sufficiently lubricated (and the mascara is running down my cheeks!) all I can say is that AUTHENTICITY is so lacking in our world today and you BROUGHT IT! Love, love, love the entry and am so blessed to know you!
Thanks for sharing with such transparency and honesty. I think most if not all of us have been in that place. How awesome that we belong to a local body of believers who really love people and will come together in the good seasons and the bad. Who doesn’t want to share life with such amazing people?
The best part is that we can then turn around and share what we’ve been given with someone else!
Hi Melissa ~ thank you so much for your honesty and openness. Such a great reminder of God’s love and how He provides for us just at the right time. Well, you also made me cry and I’m sitting here in my office and I’m afraid someone will walk in but maybe that’s ok too. I’ll just print out your message for them
Blessings and hugs from Calif ~
Your mom-in-law’s friend,
Suzie
Dear Melissa,
Even though your journey has been hard and lonely at times your pure honesty and cries for help have brought you freedom. Your transparency is contagious because so many women live behind masks that hold them captive for a lifetime…not you, you are now free to live out your full potential.
Live loud Melissa, you have a story that can set many women free.
SO proud of you Melissa. Your my hero! Seriously, I have admired you for years now. This post brought tears to my eyes and made me hope that I’m the kind of chic who would reach out and be real instead of walk away selfishly and pridefully when I see a need.
Oh my gosh, Melissa! I LOVE this post!!! I love that you are real and transparent and vulnerable. You are a precious friend and truly a real woman of God. Yeah, life’s not always pretty, but God is so with us even through the non-pretty parts of life.
Love you!!!
You have me sitting here in my hotel room with tears rolling down my cheek. Thank you for your honesty. You are beautiful! Love you.
I knew we were cut from the same mold!! Thanks for reminding me where I came from and how a small group of women saved me from a heap on the floor too! Love you!! m
Oh you are so wonderfully transparent! I remember the first time I met you at the ladies aerobics, I was encouraged then by your transparency. And more so now. But wow, you did it and made it through! Thanks for your reminder of our need for other women! And don’t stop writing!
Thank you Mel! I just needed to hear that everything is going to be alright and ok!
Princess Sarah
So I cried my eyes out reading this….it was exactly what I needed to see
Thank you for listening to the Father and being willing to share your story! You are touching so many hearts
I’m totally getting caught up on my Destiny in Bloom reading. Melissa, this is an amazing post! Thanks for your transparency. I think you are one amazing Chick!
Girl!!!!!! You better minister!!! You spoke to me right where I am at…ahhh, Thank you so much for being fearless enough to share!!! I’m really feelin’ the blog :0)