Destiny In Bloom

I Am NOT what I weigh!

I Am NOT what I weigh!

posted on October 6th, 2010 / by Marissa Star / 88 Comments

WARNING: Fat pictures of me inside! I must say from the start, knowing this is a sensitive subject for women, that this article is more about having a skinny heart than having a skinny “bod”. I’ve hesitated for a long time writing about this only because I didn’t want to be the “poster child” for weight loss. However, when you give everything to Jesus (every part of your life and heart) and He decides it’s time to give testimony to what He has done, well it becomes more about Him and less about me. So please read my story that way. Please read my story through the lenses of His grace and His tremendous love for you. I pray you share in the revelation of your great worth and value to the Father.

My mom and dad were divorced when I was five months old, and for many years my relationship with my dad was that of many phone calls and mini-vacations to where ever it was that he was living at the time. Having many little girl friends whose parents were divorced and never saw or heard of one of their parents again, I always felt like the lucky one who knew my daddy loved me even if we didn’t know each other very well. I would get calls all the time seeing how I was doing in school, ballet or other extra-curricular activities, and reminders to have my Mom send the most recent pictures of me (so he wouldn’t miss a stage). As I got older, maybe 11 years old and on, a new question was thrown into the mix. The first time “it” was asked during a routine phone call from my father, who would have never intentionally wanted to wound my self image. I didn’t really catch it, but only slightly noticed it’s strangeness.

“Hi Sweetheart!  How are you? … How much do you weigh?”

Well, when weight wasn’t a problem, so what if he asked, because everything was fine. For many years I was at a weight I was comfortable with, and if I put on a few pounds, especially around the holidays, I simply wouldn’t want to take his calls. At the time my reasoning wasn’t clear, all I knew were feelings of not wanting to disappoint him or reveal that any part of my life was out of control. Except that by the time I was around 17 years old my life was nothing less than out of control, and there I was standing on the steps of his front door a whole, proud 99 pounds strung out on drugs. It didn’t take but a few moments for him to say, “Oh baby, you are way too skinny!” I wanted to SCREAM! Is it ever going to be enough!?  You see trying to live your life living up to others’ expectations is an insatiable quest. They forget what they say as soon as they say it, yet you make it the very borders and boundaries in which you live your life looking to meet those expectations and find approval. It’s the picture of the hamster in the wheel, he is running but he is not going anywhere, there is no destination to all his work. There were many times I thought I am so close to hitting the mark (NOT just in this scenario but in many circumstances in my life where I looked to find worth from meeting other’s expectations), but the expectations were like a mirage in the desert the closer I got to it … the image shifted. It was discouraging to say the least and a bit torturous to my mind and emotions.  After several failures, not knowing what else to do I’d hop right back into that hamster wheel and run my little heart out for worth and approval.

I made Jesus Lord of my life at 19 years old and spent the next couple years getting my life together, and even went on to Bible College. Some healing (like being delivered from drug addiction) came quickly, while other healing  (like changing the way I think and bad relational habits) took a little more time and revelation. My dad would still call with his same questions. I felt like I had a handle on my weight and could always answer his question with the acceptable, “I’m fine,” or “I’m great!” My ‘handle’, however, consisted of getting a ride to the closest health food store to get a bottle of Acceleration (pills with the caffeine equivalent of five cups of coffee plus Ephedra, now banned by the FDA) when I felt the scale was tipping toward an unacceptable number. These pills helped me take control of my weight by suppressing my appetite and increasing my energy. This off and on cycle kept me in the place I called, “I’m fine,” … well for a couple of years at least.

I met my husband at Bible college and married shortly after we graduated. Then, something happened that was bigger than binge diets or herbal diet pills could ever help. Eight months into my marriage I started putting on weight uncontrollably. It didn’t matter what I did, I kept piling on the pounds. I was walking and climbing hills in five-mile hikes every day and not eating past seven p.m. I was drinking lots of water and trying every quick weight loss trick until I was only eating two meals a day and depressed because … well I wasn’t ‘fine’.  NO, this was way past FINE! At our one-year anniversary I had gone from a size nothing to a size 10. This 5’1 gal couldn’t see me in the mirror anymore. I went to the doctor to discover I had developed Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which slowed down my metabolism and left me facing infertility about the time we wanted to start having babies.  So, next came added weight from all the infertility drugs that I was taking so we could have a baby. What I thought would be a very happy time in my life was one that was full of pain, discouragement, and loss of identity. I had done everything I could do in my own strength and failed. Then in my already over-weight state … two pink lines.

Through the unconditional love of my husband who never said a word about my weight, who said to me, “You are so beautiful,” with the same look he said it to me when I was 75 lbs. lighter and the utter excitement of motherhood, I was able to accept my added weight gain during my pregnancy. The idea that life was living in me and something we (my husband and I) made together would be born and take us from an ‘us’ to a ‘family’ rocked my world. Our first baby came, and we loved him and doted on his every move (which is usually the case with the first-born). I had always wanted my children close together, so now add two more children born with fertility drugs about 20 months apart from each other.

So at this point, I am a mother of three and getting my head out the fog, but can’t see my toes. All the lies came back like a flood. I felt like I failed my husband by the way I looked. I was believing lies that I couldn’t be loved if I was over-weight, I was less worthy of attention than those who were cute and small, and that my voice had lost it’s sound. And I admit, I had some pretty grand pity parties in my hopelessness.  It was like, hand me another piece of cheesecake, I am so far gone what does it really matter anyway.  I’d walk straight to the fridge right after nursing a baby and putting him down for a nap and eat ice-cream right out of the carton until it was gone. It felt great in the moment, but felt like crap and shame 30 minutes later!

Finally the lie surfaced as I was bawling my eyes out to God, and then I heard it …

“Hi Sweetheart! How are you? How much do you weigh?”

All I could answer to God in my sobs was,  “God, I am NOT ok, I’m so NOT fine. I don’t know what to do at this point. I feel like it’s impossible … I’m too far-gone. I feel ugly. I don’t feel lovable … I can’t even love myself like this … how can any one else love me?”

Then the gentle whispers of God came and diminished the lies I had believed …

“But I love you and I made you beautiful. Your beauty is always inside first. Whatever is inside will surely make it’s way out.

You are more than you think you are.

You are stronger than you think you are.

You’ve got “the stuff” to conquer this.

Trust me. Trust who I say you are, not who you say you are and NOT who they say you are.

You are mine and you won’t do it alone … I’ll be with you.

I’ll hold your hand. When you let me lead it feels like dancing … dance with me until the dance is victory.”

This wasn’t just one day of God’s voice, I went back to include some of the things He said to me in that season of choosing to believe who He said I was and then living like I believed Him. I had to literally look in the mirror and tell myself, I am not what I weigh, I AM more than what I think and much stronger than I think I am. I had to reach down and take hold of the stuff He said was in me, and then hold my head up high. The thing about choosing to try to lose weight when you have a long way to go is not looking at the whole goal but breaking it down into smaller goals. That’s what I did. I identify with and encourage anyone I see making strides in weight loss because I KNOW that it takes what feels like a million good choices a day for a lot of days.

Before pounds came off my body, pounds dropped off my heart as I changed my perspective to believe, when I was at my heaviest, that I was beautiful even if I never lost the weight. The weight didn’t define me or keep me from my calling. It didn’t hold me back from some special blessing for skinny people. My confidence is in him not in numbers on scale, and I had to decide that numbers would not define what beautiful looks like on me. It took months of losing weight for me which included exercise, counting calories and healthy eating choices. It also meant the choice to lay down extreme fad diet tricks and using diet aids. I could not have done it if my heart didn’t believe I was worthy and valuable to Him and to the kingdom at every weight I was as I was losing those 75 lbs.

I don’t perceive to know where anyone is with their weight or worth but I do know that lies are always trying to attach themselves to us through the events of our lives. Trying to meet expectations that we think promise us approval, leave us worn out and tired.  All we need to do is ask the Holy Spirit what the truth is about our hurt, and He has a way of speaking truth right to it. People and what they say, whether they mean it or not, isn’t where the battle is. It’s in our hearts.

Lord,

I ask you to touch every place in our hearts that needs your voice of truth. Let truth be the healing we’ve been longing for. Show us areas where we’ve gotten into the routine of trying to meet expectations for approval and where we’ve agreed with lies about our worth. Give us skinny hearts as we unload the pounds of a weighty heart at your feet and take on the lightness of your great love for us. For those who have struggled with their weight their whole lives, Lord, speak to their hearts that their weight is NOT their worth. Today is the day to be who You’ve said we are! Help us to see and walk in Your truth!

Amen


88 Responses to “I Am NOT what I weigh!”

  1. No matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I know I let my weight define me. Very encouraging article. Thanks for putting it all out there. I'm waiting for God to diminish my own lies.

  2. Beautiful testimony of Gods work in your life. This is an area near and dear to my heart. I know for myself it was at my very heaviest that the Lord showed me who I was….in Him. I had never known that and regardless of my struggle or failure no one could take it from it once it was written on my heart. It wasn't defined by a number for the first time in my life. I pray this article is used in the lives of women for freedom, identity and truth! Thank you for sharing your heart, being vulnerable and sharing about a struggle in an area that many women can relate to.

  3. From my earliest memories, I defined myself by my weight. My daily attitude despite all efforts could be determined with one action: weighing on the scale. Knowing who I am in Christ and really KNOWING who I am in Christ is the true challenge, Thank you for your encouragement to press in to Him for freedom and victory!

  4. Go Marissa!! What a great and heart opening post!! I love how you wrestle right out there in front of us all. Way to stare down the Liar and back him into the place he belongs. Way to stand out in the light and dare to believe God in the midst of your struggle….
    and way to tell the rest of the world…..
    Beautiful!!

  5. Ris, I cherish the vulnerability you offer to your friends and to your readers. Thank you for shining the light on the lies. I praise God that this morning darkness is fleeing, as the truth is revealed.

  6. Marissa, thanks for telling your story and for being authentic! As a fellow PCOS sufferer, the seemingly inexplicable weight gain and the self image issues that came along with it have been a source of much frustration! The pounds are gradually lifting off my heart, and your article inspires me again to keep pushing forward for consistent health in my body, too. Thanks for reminding us that our bodies don't define who we are. It's too easy to forget that.

  7. Thank you for sharing.

  8. Marissa what perfect timing for this article for
    Me and my daughter thank you for showing your heart
    To all of us

  9. Wow Marissa!! What a great article. I probably like many had no idea.. your testimony is so amazing, thank you for sharing your story. God is doing GREAT work in you and through you!!!!

  10. Marissa, i heard lies and negativity from my family too…"if you lost 10 pounds and grew your hair out THEN you would be pretty" . My family fell apart through my teen years, i reached for control , during my senior year my 5'8"frame at 124 lbs was great but i plummeted to 95 pounds….then developed bulimia for 5 years all through college…finally i cried out to the Lord to save me from myself, and HE did…He redeemed and rescued me….thank you for sharing…love you, gayle

  11. So beautiful. what an amazing article. you rocked my world yet again :)

  12. Thank you for sharing….. I always felt FAT even at 99lbs…. now after my 2nd baby I am struggling to lose these extra 15lbs. When I step on the Elliptical trainer I say "I can do ALL things thru Christ who strengthens me". I too suffered from PCOS and battled infertility till He healed me. Thank you Marissa.

  13. Marissa, thank you so much for your transparency. I have suffered from PCOS for many years and am now realizing how much my self image has been influenced by a family who didn't understand or accept me. The only time in my entire life I've been thin was when I was only eating once every 3 days. I'm now learning to lay down the fad diets and seek God for my worth and weight. I can't tell you how much it has encouraged me to hear your story. Thank you!! Many blessings!!!

  14. I am so glad I read your post today. I think there are so many good nuggets of wisdom that apply not only to weight, but to other issues. Just have to keep coming back to standing strong in who we are…because of Who lives in us. For me, what I heard was, " you are not what you wear". Living in fashion mecca, surrounded by cuteness all the time, I have felt this pressure to look a certain way in order to be okay. Well, God just used your post to help me re-align my thinking. :)

  15. Great! THANKS!

  16. great word Marissa your the real deal!

  17. PCOS survivors unite! :) . Knew your story, watched you walk out the battle and now know you as the Overcomer! So feel this way in my heart, waiting for my body to catch up! Thank you for battling along with me! Love you!!!

  18. Marissa,
    Wow. Your transparency in sharing your own journey is so powerful. Thanks for making freedom accessible to others every day.
    Alan

  19. Wow Marissa, just wow. I cannot imagine what it was like to sit down and write that. Sometimes reliving the pain (even when there's a happy ending) can be rough. Thanks for sharing this, I truly believe there are countless women everywhere that needed to hear this today!!!!

  20. Wow…this tasted delicious. ;) Thanks for sharing more of God in you!

  21. Thank you for sharing so personally from your life! It was amazing to read your words and look at my journal from the last few days. Very similar things…God is working in me what He has already worked out in you. It was such an encouraging read for me. Thanks for being a willing vessel to share!

  22. Wow, thank you so much for sharing that. I applaud your transparency and thank Jesus for that. I know a lot of woman will be blessed and delivered through your testimony. BTW – you really are beautiful in ALL of the pictures on here. I know what you mean about gaining weight and not feeling like the "you" you are used to seeing, but just saying:). I also have long struggled with the weight as my identity and am actually having to "fast" my scale as we "speak" so it speaks to my heart. Hugs to you! Kel

  23. Marissa- Thanks for sharing from your heart and being so real and authenic. This speaks to me as I have believed the lies of the enemy before and about 5 weeks ago I decided to believe God that I am beautiful no matter what weight. I have started working out at gym and eating healthier .I believe my body is a temple. I am running the race and excited for what the Lord is going to continue to do.You are a real inspiration and thanks for touching my heart. many blessings!Wendye

  24. Such a wonderful article Marissa! Your sensitivity and empathy to those around you are so sweet and sincere! You are a mentor to me and to so many others it seems! Thank you for always sharing right from the heart and encouraging our relationship with the holy spirit!
    April

  25. As a overweight child I felt all the same things and it really changes who you are as a person. I pray that I will see myself as He sees me because sometime I revert back! UGH! Thanks for sharing.

  26. Glad to stop by. That's wonderful news and an insipiring post. Thank you!

    When you have a minute please stop by for some Coffee with Jesus

    ~NRIGirl

  27. Bravo Marissa! And kudos to Yuri for being your rock! I know personally how much having that one person that loves you no matter what makes a difference.. We all know in our heads God loves us no matter what but having that tangible, living, breathing human next to us in life saying I accept you, and love you regardless of a number, shows God's heart! I love that He uses our husbands' love to reveal His greatness and awesome acceptance of us regardless of weight, addiction, insecurities….well done sweet friend. I know you are touching lives here. Love you!

  28. Marissa, I can't stop thinking about what all you shared, how well you shared it, and the courage it took to write it. I cried through most of it, not because I felt sorry for you, but for what you've achieved through faith and humility. Our Lord was humble and it is a characteristic that seems to be dying with every coming day, so I can't even begin to tell you in words how refreshing your words are to me. Thank you so much for stepping out and modeling what we all desire to do and be. You have inspired us all!

  29. Beautifully transparent! What an awesome article. I can so related to the comments, the drugs, the diet pills, the weight gain and weight loss : ). Thank God that He is our healer who brings freedom!

  30. Great post Marissa. I had no idea that you were ever over weight. I have always known you as a hot little momma!

  31. Wow….not quite sure what to say. I keep thinking that you couldn't possibly top your last post (every time) but then you do again and again. And really it is just you getting all that Jesus juice squeezed and squeezed outta ya because He is ever expanding your capacity (as you told me). I can see it, Ris….so very, very clearly and it spurs me on…to love Him, to seek Him, to abandon it all to Him. i loved this post and i love you, i love you, i love you…..b

  32. Oh, Ris!!! AWESOME!!! I cried what I would call a cleansing cry. This article has so many similar aspects of my story (except it came/comes from my mother from a 1000 miles away, it was alcohol when I was thin in high school and college, pcos, weight gain, etc.) A story that is still unfolding…seeking to dispel the lies, seeking victory in Him, not in my own strength or understanding. Oh, I could go on and on. I thank the Lord He put you in my/our lives!!!!!!!

  33. I love love love hearing your heart. You ARE beautiful inside and out!!

  34. Wow sweet thing. I love when you let a little piece of your heart out for everyone to see. I'm so proud of you for sharing such intimate details of what you've been through…and I'm so honored to be included in your journey.

    Nothing but Love,
    Yuri

  35. You've brought to light a lot of the things I believe…I keep waiting for the "light bulb moment" where it'll all make sense and I'll feel capable for the first time ever, and although I hear myself screaming "no, no, no!" when you talk about believing I am who God says I am, at least I recognize it. And I love your story.

  36. I love your article Marissa!!! Thanks so much for sharing your heart and your wonderful insight. You radiate the love of Christ, and I am so grateful to be your friend!!!!

  37. WOW!! Loved this!! I think that your testimony is so real and ministers to so so many who are in or have been in those same shoes..
    bless you Marissa.. We serve such an awesome God.. so excited to see how He continues to use you!!

  38. I believe He will!

    Thanks Melanie … I appreciate you sharing your heart in a comment:)

  39. Thanks Amy! You go … love your words and journey as you take Him at His word on who you are!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  40. Thanks Julie … I love how you said, when the Lord showed you who you were nobody could take it from you! That's the truth girl! Thanks for commenting!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  41. Thanks Mister Bob!
    Ya, I like that staring down the liar part … that's what His truth does … puts him in his place! I love that!

    ~Ris

  42. Amen to darkness fleeing and truth being revealed! Love you Renee!
    ~Ris

  43. Thanks Cheri for sharing a lil' part of your story here … I know we've had PCOS talks … how completely frustrating it can be … just need you to know how completely radiant I think you!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  44. Thanks Christie for coming by and the thankful comment:)

    Great Love! ~Ris

  45. Girl you knew this biscuit was in the oven;) Thanks for all the support to write and love in sharing your story too! My heart rejoices too … can't way to see how God uses all this freedom flowing from your life!

    Love you~ Ris

  46. Love you Lynnell … blessed it blessed you! :)

    Loves~Ris

  47. Thanks Ashley for your comment, encouragement and love!

    Loves~Ris

  48. Wow Gayle I'd never know … which is just proof of His redeeming love! Thanks for sharing your story with me … what an overcomer you are!

    Great Love~Ris

  49. Thanks Mel and love yo!

  50. Misty your comment blesses me more than you know! What you spoke is the vision and heart of Destiny in Bloom … that we could help you connect to God in a new way well nothing could be closer to my heart!!!

    Thank you for sharing with your story and especially your heart! We pray you keep coming back! :)

    Great Love!
    ~Ris

  51. The Lord healed me of PCOS during a fast … to much story for this article but I had my fourth baby drug-free and my body was healed from the symptoms of PCOS! Thanks for sharing with me!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  52. Love you Marci and always love your encouraging words!!!

  53. Thanks Travis! So grateful to have your wife walk the journey with me!

  54. I always love my Maree comments … how you share from the heart! Your friendship is a gift!

    Love you~Ris

  55. Thanks friend!

  56. Thanks Kamra! :)

  57. What a beautiful article. Thank you so much for this.

  58. Marissa, This was amazing. I don't think I ever knew this story. I prayed with you and I believe God is healing some things in me, that I didn't even know where there. Love you, Carin

  59. Wow oh wow my friend! How glad am I for your transparency! It is so real and so beautiful and SO encouraging! It really has inspired and encouraged me in a big way because this is something I am struggling with in a big way so, with all my heart, THANK YOU for this article! Love you friend.

  60. Your comment you makes me feel like a good padawan learner;) Thank you for teaching freedom and then releasing us to model the same :)

  61. I love that you were my journey mate and encourager through much of the journey … both physical and spiritual! Everyone should have a friend like you!

    Love and gratefulness! ~Ris

  62. Thanks Joy and I love that God allowed you to be encouraged in your journaling and with my story.
    I LOVE stories like that!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  63. Girl … you got "the stuff" fasting that scale … you know how to fight! Love that!

    Thanks for sharing your journey with me … I'm truly blessed!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  64. Thanks Wendye!

    I love your heart … you conquer the enemy and the lies with your beauty!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  65. Thanks for your words April!

    Loves~Ris

  66. I pray you walk in great and new revelation of your beauty and what it has to offer to the world of who Jesus is! Nothing will stop you!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  67. Thanks!

  68. Rena,

    Thanks friend! I'm so blessed that God connected us through boot camp … and you are so right my husband played a big part in showing me love that broke chain over my heart and helped me believe the Lord and what He spoke!

    Love you friend! ~Ris

  69. Thanks for sharing your heart and story with me! God is so good and you allowed me the opportunity to revel in His goodness to you with you! I love it!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  70. Girl … blessed that you've known a good bit of the journey and been my friend on both sides.

    I know you are in the process of finding identity in God and I am so proud of you reaching for Him … you know how much I love you and cheer you on!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  71. Wow Paul!!! My couch went and made me cry! Your words mean a lot! I'm inspired by what you do for woman and orphans and so your words rest on a grateful heart!

    Great Love!
    ~Ris

  72. Thanks Katie! Oh girl you are so full of the beauty of the Lord and His testimony … I love that I would have never known! He is sooo Good!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  73. Thanks Dawn!

  74. Beth!

    I love you, I love you, I love you toooooo! So glad to have walk a few journeys with you! I am blessed by your heart and friendship!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  75. Jul,

    Wow my heart leaps when I hear another story of His faithfulness drawing us to victory!

    Thanks so much for your comment!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  76. Thank you Miss Jan! I just love you too! Your words squeeze my heart like a hug! :)

  77. Baby!

    Thank you for loving me every step of the way and knowing every part of me loving me in spite of me sometimes … you have showed me many times the unconditional love of the Lord!

    I'm a blessed lady!

    Love YOUR Ris! :)

  78. Thank you for your comment … love that you are recognizing it! :)

    Great Love! ~Ris

  79. Love you Gaye! Thank you! :)

    Loves ~Ris

  80. Jo that is a powerful revelation … think you've got some things to write about;) Hehhe!

    Love you my friend! ~Ris

  81. Thanks for your encouraging comment Amber JoY!!!

    Great Love! ~Ris

  82. You know that you were a part of squeezing this out! You confirmed that it was time one day God was speaking to me about it and you were asking for my testimony of weight loss off another site.

    Love how He uses you to encourage me and spur me on and love that you hear Him!

    You bless me! ~Ris

  83. Love you Miss Carin … my life is richer with you in it. You and your heart always spur me on and deeply encourage me!

    Love you so much! ~Ris

  84. Thank you for sharing your heart and struggle … you are on of the most beautiful people I have ever met … inside and out!

    So love you! ~Ris

  85. :) thank you and btw love your name!

  86. Wow, I just love to learn more about you. You are so amazing. I Really feel God has us go through challenging things in our life to shape us. I council women about diet and health at the WIC program. I also council women about breastfeeding. I have had my own challenges with weight loss and breastfeeding. I have always been Skinny and breastfeeding was easy for me for starters. I really feel developing mastitis only made me a better counselor. I could truly relate to the women I was counseling much better. Then I thought okay wow that was challenging but he had more for me to learn. I has plugged ducts, then a clogged nipple pore a interductal yeast infection had to return to work and pump. It was not how I planned it but he shaped me and made me a better person and educator with my first hand experience.

  87. Just another way that I can relate to your testimony. I struggled with my self-image for a big portion of my life, but am living in freedom now bc of many of the things that you shared. I found my true identity BEFORE the weight came off (I gained a lot of weight after having my kids and health problems), and now I no longer live in bondage or slavery to emotional eating and finding my worth in the mirror, AND thankfully that has played itself out in me not feeling ashamed of my jean size as well.
    I'm not just a "living chalkboard" on my stomach!! Lol, but my stretch marks are still a visual reminder for me even on my legs, of God's faithfulness. I won't be showing them to the world, but I have decided to "OWN" them and always remember the places God has delivered me from!!! Amen!!
    Thanks Marissa:). Great to meet you this wknd.

  88. WOW! Thank you for sharing your heart and being so "open!" There are SO MANY of us who struggle with this. Have you ever considered asking Daddy God if He would have you offer this teaching as a class in Freedom Ministry? I am on my way "once again" to losing down to a healthy weight! I have been on diets most of my adult life. I know it's a spiritual battle as well as physical and I believe curses must be broken many times. My parents spoke word over me throughout my childhood how I was a pig, a hog, how I was a fat ___ blonde and always would be, & on & on!! I have fought that all of my adult life! Since learning and experiencing Freedom Ministry @ Gateway, I finally realized the issue was words spoken over me and that I wasn't meant to be "fat" and ugly like my parents had said I was. I am down 33 lbs now and pray to lose another at least 30 (I need to probably lose another 50). But, I KNOW it is ONLY my Daddy God who can help me have the right mindset and positive outlook on my self image to be able to do it ONCE AGAIN but keep it off this time. I lost 80 lbs in 1989 but unfortunately, every time I went through a big trial or test, I found myself eating for comfort. I knew it was wrong and would get so mad at myself but after 12 years I gained it all back plus 32 lbs! AWFUL! I am FREE, YES FREE INDEED! I AM AN OVERCOMER! Thank You Marissa!!!