“I’m sorry; I have bad news for you.”
I stared at the sonogram machine’s little black and white screen and the bottom dropped out of my stomach. I knew. I didn’t hear the rest of what my Dr said, I just stared at my tiny sweet baby on that screen … so very still. The beautiful little flickering heartbeat we had seen only a month before was gone, there was no life left in our precious baby.
When your world suddenly falls apart you find out if you really believe what you have always said you believe. You are quickly boiled down to the very essence of what and who you are. Only one day prior I had walked around the zoo, one hand in the hand of my sweet husband, the other holding the slightly sticky hand of my four year old son. I was 12 weeks pregnant and life was just about perfect. As I stared out the window on the drive home, the freeway passing in a blur, I realized that everything I had believed while I strolled around the zoo on that idyllic April day was still true. I still believed my God is good even if I didn’t understand how that fit with what was happening to us.
That was exactly 14 days ago. April 23, 2010. In these 14 days I have become a different person in some respects. Everything I had stored away in my heart, all the things I believed but had never tested- had never had to rely on with every breath, have become all that holds me together. Here are a few truths that have become my truths…
You can hold on to the Bright Spots in your darkness
I had never been in pain so deep that it felt like darkness. But in the days immediately following finding out our baby had died I was immersed in pain so vivid I could almost touch it. But I found a way to survive it. In the midst of the darkness there are also these little bright spots you can hold onto and use them to anchor yourself. Sometimes the bright spots are really obvious. My God’s love for me and the knowledge that our baby is with Him. My husband who is both allowing me to grieve and grieving with me. My two precious boys. But sometimes you have to look for them, or choose to see them. Because most bright spots have a flip side, a negative slant you could choose to dwell on instead. For example- one thing I had really been looking forward to was going to a 3D imaging clinic with my mother, mother-in-law and Sister-in-law when we return home to CA for vacation. Obviously now that trip is canceled. But my fabulous sister-in-law has planned a wine tasting trip for us! I have a choice here. I could focus on the fact that I should be pregnant and unable to even taste the wine and it would just be another thing to mourn, another bit of darkness or I can let it be a bright spot, something fun and wonderful to look forward to. But it’s a choice.
God doesn’t waste anything; if you’ll let Him He’ll make all things beautiful.
I think I first heard this little saying from my cousin, Marissa. I always liked it but never gave much thought to it. I started writing about 4 days after we found out we had lost our baby. At first I just intended to make a place to pour out my pain but as I began to write I found that more than just pouring out my pain I began to remind God and myself of the promises He made to me in His word. It was both a public challenge to God and declaration of faith that He would begin to heal my heart and my family. Since I started writing of my miscarriage and the process of walking through it I have received an unbelievable response. God has miraculously used my pain, our family’s loss, to speak to other women walking through the loss of a child and other difficult circumstances. We lost our sweet baby but God has given her tiny life purpose even so- every time He uses the story of her life and loss to bring comfort to another or to draw someone to Him I am overjoyed. Nothing is wasted.
God IS good.
People have said that this must be God’s will or that He has a reason for this. I’ve decided that I completely disagree. My God is good. He would not kill my child or steal her before I ever got the chance to look into her eyes or cuddle her in my arms. Sorry, but I do not serve some cruel jokester of a god who would randomly take my baby away. He’s just not like that- we live in a fallen world where sometimes really bad stuff happens. God created the earth to be a perfect paradise and mankind fell and sin came in and wrecked this place. Our baby most likely had a chromosomal abnormality that caused her to stop growing and her tiny heart to fail. It was mostly likely caused by a flawed egg with too many of a certain chromosome released by my body. God’s will and heart for this world, for mankind, for me personally, would have been that a flawed egg would have never even been possible. In the world that God willed- that egg would have been perfect. It is not His fault. The bible tells me that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. It also tells me that God sent His only son so that I could have not just life, but life abundantly. My baby was stolen from me and my heart was destroyed, now let me ask you … which does that sound like?
I do not believe God had a reason for doing this because I don’t believe this is His doing. I DO believe that God can make something beautiful out of a tragic situation, that He can give purpose to my pain and use it to bring comfort and healing to others in similar circumstances. But I will not let Satan steal from me further by allowing him to misdirect my anger towards God. He is GOOD.
God is with me, even in my Pit.
Some days (Well, most days right now) I feel like I’m at the bottom of a deep pit, it’s dark and damp and it hurts so badly. But God isn’t waiting for me to get my act together and not be a mess before He hangs out with me. He’s not standing at the top of my pit waving at me to hurry up and be OK. I am so thankful that He is with me through all of this, that He has given me people to love me through this. My husband, my friends, even complete strangers have reached out to help me and comfort me. I honestly don’t know how people who don’t have a relationship with Him do it. I really could not do this alone. I would end up such a disaster … Maybe that makes the people who say Jesus is a crutch correct, but who wants to walk on broken legs without one? Not me. When those moments come where I’m deep in my Pit Jesus is sitting down there with me, His feet braced against the walls of the hole, His arm around my side so I can lean my head on Him.
I’ve written much more extensively about each of these truths I’ve discovered , the ups and downs of getting back into daily life (whew-and the downs are DOWN, let me tell ya!) and the physical and emotional process of dealing with a miscarriage at www.holdingontothebrightspots.blogspot.com. If you have ever experienced a miscarriage or love someone who has I invite you to come over and see what God is doing as we walk this path. I invite you to share your own experiences and what you’ve learned and gained through your own trials in life whatever they may be. I have a very long way to go and a lot to figure out but please feel free to come along with me if you like. Sometimes the road we walk is a rocky one but He’s with us every step of the way.
It is amazing to see what God is doing to you and through you on this journey. From something so sad and heartbreaking has come something beautiful. Thank you for sharing the depths of your heart and soul, we are so proud of you!
I stumbled across your blog. I think you have a very beautiful outlook and such strong faith. It is inspiring.
"Your" truths are so relevant because they speak of the truth of who God IS in every circumstance, not just the ones we can personally relate to. I love how you've summarized the points from the individual blogs these truths belong to. You have given us so much in one reading. There isn't a reader out there who won't walk away from this encouraged, refreshed, re-inspired or just held up for the day in the midst of the pain they walk in. That, my Friend, is writing straight from the heart of God himself.
Incredible! Absolutely beautiful! You are currently the strongest person I know. So inspired by how you have not let your gaze turn away from Him!
You are so right. It's amazing how we can love so deeply in such a short amount of time.
I love you too Crystal. It's strange how our lives echo one another's isn't it? I was thinking back to when we both got married, both moved away from our family and hometown, both ended up with 2 young boys, both got pregnant and lost our sweet babies in the same 'uncommon' way. It should be weird but instead it
s comforting. As much as I wish you had never experienced this horrible pain, it's still nice to walk with a friend. i know i've told you that before, but I wanted to say it again!
Thanks Brandy, I am amazed by His goodness even life really sucks
Girl in the dark, thank you for your sweet comment. I like your name, right now i identify, I guess. I see it's linked to a blog, I'll have to come visit you.
Several of my friends have miscarried for various reasons, and the one "bright spot" that I always think of is what another great reason to look forward to heaven and to getting to meet your little one who is now safe with Jesus. I don't know you, but I rejoice with you that you know your God and know that this was not His will. He is lovingly walking with you every step, and now you get to walk with others who have also gone through this heartbreaking experience. Blessings to you and thank you for sharing your heart.
Your open heart is such a blessing!! You are still in my prayers sweet Melissa
Melissa-thank you for walking thru your grief in a way others can feel God's healing touch. That moment we even suspect we are pregnant, before the test, we have already fallen in love. That heartbeat we see just re-affirms our bond of love. The loss is so real and so overwhelming yet you are right, there are bright spots. And those little spots today will continue to grow into the Sun of God on your life in a way you never dreamed. I am sorry for your path you are walking bc it's a hard one but God is still God and you are an amazing Mother. Happy Mother's Day.
Thanks for sharing this. You and I both know this pain and I hate it. I so agree with you that this is not God. It kills me when someone tells me "oh honey it was just a part of God's plan" Thank you for being so real. I love you.
Melissa, you know what's funny/ironic? I almost always feel that the comments I leave on blogs are too long and that people will think I'm trying to blog right along with the writer! But I just can't help but desire to let the writer know just HOW and WHY their blog affects or impacts me – or how I see it impacting or encouraging others. So, thank you for reaffirming for me that my wordiness is not an "ugh" moment for you. Just know…I have loved your heart to write reality and honesty from your very first blog, and I continue to be inspired and motivated by your heart for God because of your transparency. Keep it up, Girl! It's not lost in translation…
Melissa, I think you really are a rock star. You're boldly sharing your pain, your faith and your hope, and that takes an amazing amount of courage. Keep going, and allow yourself lots of grace.
Incredible! Absolutely beautiful! You are currently the strongest person I know. So inspired by how you have not let your gaze turn away from Him!
thank you so much Sweet Cara, you are also in mine…It was great to see you yesterday!
Babs, your comments are always so encouraging. Sometimes I feel like I am saying too much and that it's going to turn people away. But then your comments encourage me that I haven't heard God wrong- I am supposed to share my walk with others. thank you.
Babs, your comments are always so encouraging. Sometimes I feel like I am saying too much and that it's going to turn people away. But then your comments encourage me that I haven't heard God wrong- I am supposed to share my walk with others. thank you.
Thank you so much Cami. I don't feel strong but I suppose that's the whole 'in our weakness He is strong' thing, huh? I hadn't really thought of it like that until I saw your comment. thanks for sharing
Melissa, I think you really are a rock star. You're boldly sharing your pain, your faith and your hope, and that takes an amazing amount of courage. Keep going, and allow yourself lots of grace.
Amazing. Thank you for articulating your story so well and for bringing so much glory and honor to God! You're awesome, Melissa!
Your words touched a sweet sore spot inside me. For years, I couldn't get pregnant. Then I did and the baby was born with Down syndrome. Then we found out she had a heart condition, which would eventually claim her life at the age of 2-1/2. Before she died, I got pregnant and had an early miscarriage, then got pregnant again, with the baby born 6 weeks after my first baby died of her heart defect. I grieved, that's human and meant to be done. But at some point, you have to just realize that the experience changed you, and you have a choice to move forward and embrace the love of God, or become stuck in grief, which leads to bitterness. I chose life. And God blessed me with four healthy children, all now adults, and I even have a granddaughter to enjoy now. The important thing to recognize is that God grieves with us. Thank you for sharing your experience and your thoughts.
Mel!!!
Well as you know I read this the night before it posted and there were tears … tears that expressed sharing in the loss but also tears of being so proud of who you are in God. Tears of admiration of your courage, honesty, and maturity. Thanks for opening a window into your world so that your bright spots become light that shines on others!
None of it's wasted!!!
In awe of the woman you've become and are,
Great Love!
~ Ris!
Mel!!!
Well as you know I read this the night before it posted and there were tears … tears that expressed sharing in the loss but also tears of being so proud of who you are in God. Tears of admiration of your courage, honesty, and maturity. Thanks for opening a window into your world so that your bright spots become light that shines on others!
None of it's wasted!!!
In awe of the woman you've become and are,
Great Love!
~ Ris!
You've always been one of my favorite writers on DIB, because – simply put – you are candid. Refreshingly real! I've been following your BrightSpots blog since my Auntie Babs told me about it. Thank you for remaining open and sincere while you are grieving. The lost and believers alike need to know what God's healing really looks like. What He really means when He says He is all we need. And what joy really looks like in the face of immeasurable loss. This is really best communicated by being an honest mess in front of everyone! He really becomes the bright spot that draws all the attention!
I know this wasn't God's will! I wholeheartedly stand with you in that! That public declaration is something I wish I would have made in situations I have faced. Please keep sharing this statement with anyone who will listen. You might be used to uncover a stronghold the enemy has created in the church. May the truth of who God is continue to be made known, through you!!!! YOU ARE A BRIGHT SPOT.
Melissa, thank you so much for sharing! I am so sorry for the pain through which you are walking. You are, however, truly an inspiration to others and a big neon sign pointing us all to the love of God!!! On your other blog page, and again on this post, your description of God sitting down there in the pit with you, available and in no hurry, rather than tapping His foot waiting for us to move on is incredibly poignant and moving. I can't tell you how much this revealed another facet of His beauty to me and is applicable to situations in my own life. I love you sweet thing!!
Thank you Melissa! Thank you for recognizing that God is good and the enemy is evil. The Word is so clear on the attributes of both, but when times are tough we tend to believe that God has all those attributes, good and bad, all rolled into one and we never know which one He will dish out. He's just not like that and I'm so pleased that you have recognized this and bodly proclaimed it.
It has been bittersweet to observe you walking through this pain – so sad and heartbreaking, yet so joyful that you are leaning so heavily on Him and letting Him use your story (even in the midst instead of waiting until the pain has subsided.) Wow – what a strong woman of God to be able to do that so publicly.
Love and prayers and free babysitting on our end!
Kisha
I lost a baby just like this a few years ago. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of her–she was 19 weeks along– it was a very tragic time in my life, and I definitely can relate to what you've written. All I can say is that you're on the right path-holding onto the bright spots–When everything seems bleak and blue, try to remember or write down even just ONE good thing that happened to you today. That is what helped me get through some of my darkest days. Even today, I look at my 4 children and see the age gap between the older two–knowing that I'd not have had the second one if it was not for the baby I lost–I'm truly blessed. My baby, Kaylyn, in her death, taught me so much about life and loving God. I celebrate her birthday every year too with balloons. You've written a beautiful story, a tribute, and may you be richly blessed in this difficult time.
Nadelle
Ah, the pains we don't know we are tough enough to survive… and we wouldn't if we didn't have His sustaining power. I feel your pain… I too lost a daughter – at 9 and a half months… the baby showers were over, the waiting for the phone calls by friends and the "you're still here?!" comments endless… one day I was in labor, the next day I was picking out a final resting spot at a cemetery… the whirlwind of emotions almost sucked me in… and my faith was tested as I wondered if He knew what He was doing to my life – but here I am – 23 years later still thinking of that innocent baby girl that never had to taste this earth – she went from my loving womb to the loving arms of Jesus… there is truly no greater comfort. And I agree – my loving God would not kill my baby – indeed we live in a fallen world and no one is exempt from its pains and sorrows. But He walks with us… and holds us up even in the worst of agony. Thank you for sharing your story with us – you will always be an inspiration to others.
Melissa,
Thank you for being so open and honest about your pain, and about the God we serve. This was a great reminder for me today that truly He is good. It took a few years of pain for me to understand that He was not the author of my trauma, but that He has every desire to heal and take what has been so terrible in my life and turn it for good… it is another one of His promises! I love the description of Jesus there with you, loving you no matter what. You are speaking truth. "Maybe that makes the people who say Jesus is a crutch correct, but who wants to walk on broken legs without one? Not me." Me either… Praying for more bright spots for you. Your blog was one for me today.
thanks for this, I find it incredibly encouraging that you wne on to have more children after you encountered such heartbreak. I am hoping and praying that I will be blessed with another child soon, and I found this comforting, thank you.
thank you so much Coli, I look forward to when we get to meet in real life, you've been such a source of encouragement to me over this past (almost) year that i've been writing. thank you for taking the time to share your heart with me, it is always wonderful to hear!
Thanks Renee, I've been totally blessed by how you have continually encouraged me through this whole walk. It sucks but knowing that there are people out there praying for me and cheering me really helps. thank you so much!
thank you Kisha! And I will most certainly be taking you up on the babysitting
Thank you for sharing your story with me Nadelle.
Oh my gosh, your story just breaks my heart. It has been awful having lost our baby at 12 weeks, I can't even wrap my head around your kind of loss. But i agree, knowing she is safe in heaven so comforting.
I am glad! It makes me so happy when God takes something dark and turns it into light. It is one of the things that has helped me through this.
Melissa, this is beautiful. Thank you for living out loud in a painful time in your life. So much wisdom packed into this piece.
My favorite line was when you were talking about holding onto the bright spots: "But sometimes you have to look for them, or choose to see them." This is so very true!
You are in my prayers.
I'm so proud of you! You are victorious, and God is so pleased with you. There is life in you, God is going to bring forth that life and bless you and your family. Addition! Don"t forget the word God gave you! You are blessed!
I'm always here for you, I love you!
Mel, This gave me goosebumps the whole time I read it! So much joy through pain… you are such an amazing woman! I am with you in that God is such a good God and he wouldn't create something just to take it away! So many people have a hard time understanding that and feel that it's easier to blame God for the pain they're feeling.
He is going to do something beautiful through this.
Love you always.
[...] beautiful of my life. Last April my husband and I lost a baby at 12 weeks. (You can read about that HERE and HERE) When I found out we were pregnant again, in July I was simultaneously overwhelmed with [...]
AMEN sister!!! GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME! So good to hear others that believe the crap we go through is not brought by Him but by the enemy of our soul!