From The Inside Out
posted on June 23rd, 2010 / by Rebecca Gates / 70 CommentsWhen I was a teen I had surgery to remove my wisdom teeth. They were impacted, which means that they were still in the bone and had to be dug out. I had anesthesia, so I didn’t feel a thing until I woke up and the pain medicine wore off. Though it seemed to heal up pretty quickly, I had a little pressure that began to become uncomfortable. When my Mom took me to have it checked out, the doctor explained to me that I had dry sockets, which meant that the outside had healed up before the inside. The only cure was to re-open the wound … this time without the anesthesia. Now I was terrified! The doctor was going to lay me down, jab a metal tool in my wounds and re-open them, creating immense pain and ruining my lunch plans all at the same time. But I had no other choice if I was going to be healed from the inside out.
Only a few years after my teeth were perfectly straight and my wisdom teeth sockets were all healed did I experience another trauma. This one had actually been building over the years of abuse my mom and I had endured over all of my life at the hands of my dad.
My Mom and I were asleep in my room when I awakened to her screams and gurgling as my dad strangled her and pushed her down the stairs. I continued to lie still, hoping to save myself so that I could call the police once he was out of earshot. I didn’t know what I would find once help arrived and I could safely get out of the house. Was she dead, paralyzed, or maybe just had some broken bones?
The house was now silent as I waited and watched out the window for the officers. As soon as I saw them coming down our street, I took a deep breath and pushed all fear aside as I calmly walked down the steps to the living room. My dad’s jaw dropped a little as he saw me. I glanced casually at my mom to see that she was ok and out the door I went … without saying a word.
That night my mom and I left forever. We left everything; our home, friends, and the lifestyle that we had grown accustomed to. What we couldn’t leave behind was the fear, the sense of years lost and wasted, and the anger; the deep anger that had gone unexpressed for her 23 years with him and my 18. We were both Christians and loved God, which is ultimately what saved us from spending the rest of our years trapped by the pain and bitterness that had been pounded into us for most of our lives.
But my story isn’t so different from that of many other church people. There are a lot of us walking around with scars, having learned to get past our pain from the abuse inflicted on us, usually from someone we should have been able to trust. The problem with scars is that they aren’t beautiful, and my God promised me beauty for ashes. A scar is noticeable to everyone I come in contact with, and it makes them wonder, “What happened to her that she is now flawed?”
Years later I began to reflect on my old life. I was no longer 18 years old. I was a Bible school graduate, a pastor’s wife and a mother now. At first it was like the dry socket that just felt like a little pressure on the inside. I ignored it, being the “strong” person that I am. I like to stuff my emotions in hopes that they will simply go away. But my Great Physician would have no part in allowing that.
The pain increased, and with it returned the memories of what my dad had done to me and to my mom. My battle with anger began again too, but this time with it came guilt, since mature Christians aren’t supposed to have anger. I reminded the enemy that I had forgiven my dad. In fact, before I got married I spent my last seven years of singleness re-establishing a relationship with strong boundaries, a level of trust, and expressing Christ-like forgiveness to him. But before I was able to do all that, I had to forgive like the church had told me to do. It was the key to my healing and they were right, but they just forgot one very important detail.
One day while nursing my baby, the Lord led me to a scripture. Romans 12:15b says, “…mourn with those who mourn.” I remembered being 18 and telling some of my church peers and leaders about what my dad did and searching their faces for some sort of validation that I truly had been wronged. I mean, surely the physical and sexual abuse was not God’s plan for me, right? But they were careful to hide their emotions, not wanting to arouse my anger further, and to remind me that the first thing I needed to do was forgive my dad, and that praying for him would help with that. I began through gritted teeth to ask Jesus to help him, and then to bless him like the Bible says in Romans 12:14. And eventually my scar covered my wound. It was ugly at times the way I interacted with people and even with God, but it kept the bleeding and oozing covered and hidden even from me for years … about 10 to be exact.
I pondered the scripture as the Lord gave me revelation for how it applied to my life. At first I was a little hesitant to stand strong on what the Lord was saying to me since I had not heard it anywhere else before. How had the whole church seemed to miss this first step in the healing process and yet God was speaking to this California-grown girl. It was too late though. Desperation had already driven me to cling to the hope of freedom. Tears began to flow as I poured my heart out to God for the loss of my childhood, my experiences as the lust-interest of the man who had fathered me and so much more. I just let it all out. Then I called my sweet friend to tell her what I had learned. She has always been my friend who will say the words I long to hear after a hard day: “that sucks!” These two little church-inappropriate words soothe my soul when I hear her agree with me that life hasn’t been easy. We have cried together on many occasions. Everyone should have a friend like her who isn’t too inhibited by religiousness to mourn with her buddy and be real.
God, my healer, wasn’t willing to leave me to limp through the rest of my life. He took his tool, the word of God, and re-opened my wound so that the pressure could pour out and healing could come in. It was hard to feel all those old feelings again, but when it was over I already knew what to do next. I forgave my offender. And I moved on, let go, focused forward. I released it and am no longer tormented by nightmares, painful memories or anger.
Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” God was my comforter that day. He was my Physician.
Sadly, it wouldn’t surprise me if there were those reading this who know exactly what I am talking about and it sucks! I have cried with many who have shared their stories with me of how they have gone through a painful childhood, disappointing divorce, even the loss of a child. If you are one who has been walking through life with a scar, wondering if this was part of God’s plan for your life, let me share this hope with you. God promised beauty for your ashes. You got burned, you have somehow made it through, but sometimes it still hurts. Sometimes you react in relationships poorly, and you just want to feel what it feels like to be normal, not scarred.
Maybe you are your own offender and you find it hard to forgive yourself for the choices you made. You don’t feel like you could mourn your loss when you only have yourself to blame. Thankfully Jesus died for people just like you who have made messes of their lives before submitting themselves to Him. If a most holy God can extend grace to you then maybe it’s time that you receive it and begin walking in ALL that He has for you including forgiveness, healing and life abundantly!
Isaiah 61:3, “To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.”
Determine that you’re going to mourn this for the last time. Cry it out with the Lord and then release it. Allow the Lord to bless you with comfort like only He can give. Forgive your offender so that you are no longer bound to him or her. And then let the Lord fill your mouth with praise as He transforms all that you are and everything you have been through into something so beautiful that people start asking, “What happened to you that you are so free?”
You weren’t meant for scars. You were meant for beauty.
Rebecca, I am so sorry for all you went thru. You amaze me how graceful you walk thru life. Your forgiveness, beauty and tenderness toward others and their pain with life is a real treasure. I am honored to call you my friend. Love you!
What a beautifully written story of true freedom! I've never seen a scar on you…only beauty. I would not have imagined this was your story and for that I can thank our loving Father in heaven. Thank you for sharing it!
Rebecca, once again you have allowed the Lord to express Himself and love others through your vulnerability and honesty. I absolutely admire how you have given Jesus permission to take the hard places of your life with all the warts,to show others how to become whole and complete in Him. You are the epitomy of the 'virtuous woman' to me! Love and blessings….
The power of your honesty is awesome. The honesty of what you lived through & the honesty of the lack of healing compassion in right religous answers. I will hold the scripture you shared in my heart forever & more importantly apply it.
After God healed the last wound from my childhood I thought I was done. I guess I have more wounds. It's been just over 10 years since my son died and I find that wound is feeling fresh again. As I read your story I realized I need to mourn this again the right way, with My Lord and My God. Thank you for sharing.
Love this, Rebecca! So so so good! Thank you!
I have never seen you more beautiful than today. I know I always say this, but I am so thankful that we are walking this together and how much I love you and continue to think that you are one serious "brick house"!! love you~m
Wow – absolutely fantastic! What a story of God's powerful love in you – thank you for writing it!!
Thank you Rena. Yo are precious to me!
Thanks Bethani! I have always admired the exploding life in you! Your joy is contagious.
I treasure you Jackee!
Thanks Babs! I will be waiting for my hug when I see you next.
Thank you. You are a beautiful example of walking freedom Marsia! love you.
Thank you Amy! When I think of you Amy all I can think of is leaps and bounds. You are growing in the Lord and in your giftings and even in ministering just through being yourself by leaps and bounds. It has been my joy to get to be a part of your life.
R, all I can say is "Wow!" You truly are beautiful from the inside out, and I thank God for all the ways He has healed you. Thanks for having the courage to tell this part of your story to give others hope and practical help. I love you, my friend.
I echo Marsia … finally laying it all out for God's glory … You have never been more beautiful!
Rebecca, your mom and Art are dear friends of mine, And she suggested i read this today, and i am so glad that i did. Sometimes a complete stranger can speak your heart without even knowing who or what they are blessing in the process. You, my dear are doing that for me today. I am reminded of what Pastor Heverly says to us, "God never wastes a hurt" and This pouring out of your soul is why, because you are blessing at least me with your story of recovery. and from the comments, many others as well. Thank you sister, I am so glad i know your mom, and that her and Art are friends of my husband and I. What a blessing you are! Thank you.
I'm so sorry Vivian. Praying that the Lord brings you peace and fills you with joy.
Thank you Heidi. Good seeing you at the book store yesterday.
thanks Crista!
Thank you for your comment Kristin. So proud of my Mom for stepping out and leading at your church. And my Dad, Art, is gift to our family.
Thank you Gail. You are so special to me! And you have no idea how many lives yours has touched. Your a mama to many!
Thank you my Pam! xoxo
Love that word! Thanks my sister.
You shine and your testimony reaches into the hearts of so many. I love how God uses what satan meant to destroy and turns it around to glorify Him! Much love to you today-kisskiss.
love, Liz
All I can say is your testimony is an expression of your freedom from the past and your serenity for the future. So amazing…how this hits home in some areas of my life. How we can learn from each other with such a loving and forgiving heart but not forgetting what path God takes us on to get to the other side.
Love you- Janet U
WOW.Truly the forgiveness from the Lord is a freedom , I never felt a freedom that is so big when I call my mom this mother's year. We never talked since I was 16. and the INSIDE and OUT healing is coming and slowly in progress.thank u Mrs. Gates. Your husband and your kids will call you BLESSED. So glad I've known you.
Abuse of women is on my mind a lot these days. So much violence and abuse in our world. Thank you for discussing with transparency a real threat to women. Abuse is never okay. I am blessed every time you share. So glad I stopped by for a read. You've given me some insight and lots to think about. Bless you.
Wow Rebecca! What an amazing story! That took such guts to lay it out like that, my friend! Although I knew bits and pieces I had never seen it laid out like that. What an inspiration you are! I am proud to call you friend!
Once again, it amazes me what you have been thru and what God has done with you. I love you, R!
Oh how I love you, Rebecca. I've never seen a scar, only the beauty God gave you.
Powerful story and testimony! Thanks for sharing your heart!
Rebecca,
How Beautiful!! To see another layer of your life completely real and raw being transformed into such healing and on display for all of us to see!
Your story today is one that touched my heart in such a deep way!! It is truly an inspiration in my own spiritual growth to see you walk in His Beauty and Grace! You are a treasure!!:)
Love you dearly,
Maree
Your willingness to share your pain, struggles, fears, and even ugliness is EXACTLY what has allowed God to bring true healing to you and allow you to lead others to freedom. I love and treasure you, my friend!!!!!! Thanks for letting us learn from your life. All of it.
This truth is so powerful. I often look at those who are nursing their own wounds or hiding behind their own strength, and think, "It doesn't have to be that way…He is able to take care of that." I am thankful for His desire to heal us and to make us beautiful. And, I'm so blessed to have you as such a beautiful friend.
I too thought I had forgiven people in my past who have hurt me. This blog was so timely for me. Over the last week, I have been laying it all out to God my Father and I felt ugly and bitter and angry when doing it but in the next moments, he was holding me close and saying the words I’ve been longing to hear “everythings gonna be alright.” I’m glad to hear you say it too, that even though it felt like you were going backwards, you were actually moving forward. Bless you. I’m sorry for your pain, I know it very well.
This is my favorite story you have told yet. You have really gotten good at building momentum, pulling the pieces together and then revealing the surprise at the end. It has been neat to see how the Lord is using you and this gift of expression through the written word. Go get em!
Precious Rebecca. Just like you! A treasure!
Thank u Rebecca…… u blessed me.
You describe the importance of validation…not to allow someone to wallow in it, but to allow for the healing from tragedy and trauma. Well done, Rebecca.
Wow, Rebecca…I had no idea that THAT kind of violence was part of your story. Ugh, I’m so sorry. I appreciate your honesty and candidness and thankful for your healing and freedom in Jesus…and for friends like Marissa. And you are SO beautiful from the inside out.
Love the last line “You weren’t meant for scars. You were meant for beauty.”
Rebecca, that was amazing! Your experience as a child really grabbed my heart. I can't believe you and your Mom had to endure that. God truly. Is faithful and I am so glad He got you out of that situation alive. I have been thinking a lot lately about people. There are so many people walking around carrying loads they were never meant to. So many people are scarred and hurt. I know through the wonderful restoration of our Lord and by testimonies such as yours these people can be set free. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and compelling story!
Oh, and I realized after I posted my comment that you have more than 1 amazing, godly friend, and I feel silly now for assuming I knew who you were referring to. Sorry 'bout that!
I do have lots of amazing godly friends, but you are right! This one was Marissa back when we both thought life was so hard cause we had ONE baby and we were tired. I am sure you know how that goes.
Thanks Alycia! It is important not to compare ourselves with each other or the things we have gone through. Pain is pain and God wants to heal it all.
Thank you Beth. God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, far above anything we could ever ask or think. I know He has you in the palm of His hand.
I'm blessed too to have you.
Thanks Shelly! God is always faithful to complete the work He begins in us.
Love you Kate!
Thank you Kelli! You are an amazing woman. Love you!
Thank you, love you Maree!
Thank you Liz! Love you too beautiful!
Thank you Janet. Love you!
Thank you Karen! And so excited about what God is doing in you and in your relationship with your Mom.
Thanks Jan! I think this is on you heart because it is on God's heart and He knows He can trust you with it to pray, act, and to stir up change. You are an amazing woman of God!
Thanks Tirzah! Love you
Thanks Jesi! God is so faithful like that. Praying that He would continue to speak tender words of healing to you and your friend.
Thank you Celeste for your friendship that has been there for me to lean on in ashes and in beauty. love you always!
Thanks Denise! Love you too! Your friendship is a treasure to me.
Thank you Tomi. Love you!
Carol, you are like a refreshing drink on a hot TX day. Thank you for the encouragement you are to me! love you!
Thanks Kim!
You are beautiful Brandy! You have the sweetest most sincere heart and that cultivates healing in the people around you. Thank you for your comment.
Thanks Nancy! oxox
Thank you Natasha! You are special to me.
Thank you V!! xoxo
Thank you for always opening up your heart and letting us see your scars and how amazing God has created you to be someone others can learn from. I love how you pour your heart out and it makes me feel like I can be more honest with myself and that I can let go of some things from my past. Thank you for being real!
Love you April!
this is amazing, rebecca! thank you for sharing so transpariently….and for the message. i wish i could take you into one of my monday night groups and let you speak, b/c this is what I would want my parents to glean…beauty from ashes and to turn to the ONE with the healing power. you are so loved…beth
Thanks Beth! God has anointed you to " bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners," So thankful for your heart and ministry to these families.
love you miss you!