Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.

Romans 14:19

It took only minutes for the bitterness, anger and resentment to take hold of my heart after reading that email.

For two years she has been the center of too many disagreements, which have lead to just as many fights. The topic of too many discussions. The focus of too much of our time. The reason we shake our heads in utter amazement. And the cause of much of our parental anxiety over decisions we just can’t understand.

This was the last bit of everything disrespectful and hypocritical that I could take, and I boiled over.

The topic of that email is not important [in the end]. What is relevant is the emotion that held my heart and soul for ransom after I made the decision that “enough is enough and I’m not taking any more!”

I responded with an email [that I never sent] that was packed with truth and could be backed up with facts, but it was dripping with the venom of animosity that I had only vented to those closest to me…never her. I knew I couldn’t hit the send button, but it felt good pretending that she would read what I’ve always wanted to write … finally.

Every time she’s pushed the boundaries, every time she’s been flippant or rude, every time her behavior has screamed ’17′ instead of pushing 40, I have fought through resentment to present grace; a grace that was drawn from the desire to build a better here and now for [them].

I haven’t always liked what’s come my way, but I’ve put my feelings aside with the hope that time would heal all wounds [it doesn't, by the way, only God does] and with the belief that if I tried hard enough I could make a real impact for the good of our future that had been sown together by the threads of divorce and remarriage.

Just a week prior to that email, information came to light that proved the hypocrisy of her words and they had engraved themselves on my heart. A part of her character had been revealed and it left a taste in my mouth that even the strongest Listerine couldn’t kill. Now, with the truth unveiled, I labeled my efforts ‘in vain’ and conceded to the fact that it didn’t matter how many times I pushed for “better”, better can only be realized when it’s something both parties desire.

Then came that email. It was the straw that broke this camel’s back, and I was done.

Fast forward 20 days: I had been slowly drowning in my enmity towards her, and it was taking its toll. I knew – in my head – that what I was letting take hold of my heart was not right, was not good and was not healthy in any way. Yet, no matter what I read, what I listened to or what I was told, no dent could be made in the armor that surrounded my heart, which protected the contempt that I was harboring for her.

Day after day, God purposed to deposit truth into my life through devotions, blogs, scripture and podcasted messages. My ears heard, my eyes read, but my heart stood its ground.

My husband pointed me to a blog written on peacemaking and asked me to read it. This one line from the lengthy writing jumped off the page at me:

“Peacemakers are active. They engage the battle – not to fight but to diffuse, not to aggravate but to appease, not to control but to counsel.”

I was blown away. It hit hard, but in the wrong place. It made all kinds of sense in my head, but it did nothing to penetrate my heart, even though that wasn’t something I was willing to admit.

So, I wrote her a second email, all from the perspective – or so I tried to make myself believe – of stepping out and becoming the Peacemaker. The result? A lot less venom but the intent was just the same. I may not have been provoking all out war, but I wasn’t avoiding the battle, either.

My husband’s advice? Go hit your prayer closet and see if this is really how God wants you to respond. The thing is, Anthony agreed that what had been written to me was out of line and that this came on the tail end of a succession of issues, but he was standing his ground that there was a way to handle it all that would honor God and bring peace, not draw a battle line in the sand.

As much as I agreed with him with my mouth, my heart wasn’t ready to lose another battle to her. I had stepped aside too many times and this time I wanted the win, and I was prepared to win at all costs.

(Piece of advice: Never set your heart to win a battle that leaves God on the sidelines. You’ll find yourself in two battles instead of one.)

That was about 10 days into my 20-day journey. Ironically, during those days, I listened to more messages from my Pastor then I have in a long time. I went back and pulled up Happy are the Peacemakers, a message he had done in April of 2008. So many life-applicable golden nuggets were thrown at me …

• Peacekeepers avoid conflict. Peacemakers resolve conflict.
• Peacemakers bring righteousness into a situation.
• Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of righteousness. I can have conflict but still be at peace.
• If peace is not present in conflict then Jesus is not present in that situation.
• “The fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” James 3:18
• “You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in you.”  Isaiah 26:3

I’d like to exult in the fact that my heart was immediately melted by the holy fire of these words and that my perspective transitioned from warrior to peacemaker just like that! [hear the snapping of my fingers]. No can do! All the words I heard and read definitely pierced my mind, but they were far from overriding my soul.

And then the sun rose on a new day … my kairos moment. It started like any other day but God had plans He had yet to share. I set about my morning taking care of laundry, making sure the kids were all set for home school and then it hit me … I need to go spend time with God in my closet. No warning. No flash of lightning. No big, booming voice speaking to my heart; just an urgent need in my heart to go, and go now.

I grabbed my iTouch, which would provide music and an online Bible, and headed to my clothes [prayer] closet. When I stepped inside I realized that I hadn’t been “here” since all of this chaos erupted. That spoke volumes to me. I settled down onto the floor and opened iTunes. It had been a while since I’d plugged into worship, too. Again … volumes. As I listened, I felt my heart being pulled to that familiar place; one where God had been waiting to meet with me.

After a short while, a blog I had been trying to read for weeks came to mind. My friend had posted scriptures God had set apart while she read through Hosea. Usually I read her blogs the very day they’re posted, but something was different about this one and “for some reason” I just couldn’t find it in me to read through it no matter how many times I tried. Today, God needed me to hear Him, and He would use this blog and the book of Hosea to get my attention…and change my heart. Here’s a snapshot of what I read:

I will fence her in with thorn bushes.

I will block the road to make her lose her way.

I will lead her out into the desert and speak tenderly to her there.
I will transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope.

Ever since that awful night there has only been sin and more sin!

You have made no progress whatsoever.

Plant the good seeds of righteousness and you will harvest a crop of My love.

Plow up the hard grounds of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord,

that He may come and shower righteousness upon you.

So now, come back to your God!
Act on the principles of love and justice,
And always live in confident dependence on your God.
Then I will heal you of your idolatry and faithlessness,
And My love will know no bounds.

Sobs poured out of me and my body shook uncontrollably. In those moments, I had the knowledge that I was being allowed to feel the grief God felt over my sin. In the same way that I wept over the understanding of my transgressions, Jesus wept over the destruction it was wreaking on my soul. I finally understood what it was like to mourn over my sin and quickly realized that when one’s heart is broken by God in order to be redeemed and restored back to righteousness, it is the best and worst feeling all mixed together.

The next day I wrote my email: one that honored God, not fed my flesh; one that was laced with grace, not venom; one that tackled tough issues with honesty and respect, not a lack of concern for the wounds I would inflict; one that provoked peace, not battle.

I also did the one thing God laid on my heart immediately following my restoration to righteousness. I apologized to her for the horrible struggle my soul had gone through, a struggle of which she was not aware; and I asked her forgiveness for the thoughts I had had that she was never aware of and the words I had spoken within the safety of my own home that she never heard.

There is a lyric from a new Bethany Dillon song, Deliver Me, that I listened to during this heart battle …

“Deliver me from my hateful thoughts. I’m committing murder in the presence of God.”

I had never compared my thoughts or words to murder, and I grasped for the first time the true crime of my heartless actions. God pierced my soul with this understanding and although I never gave the slightest thought to ever breaking that commandment, I had to repent for the way I had killed her with my words and for the condition of my heart from which those thoughts poured forth.

“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45

It has been almost two weeks since that email was written and I have not yet received a response, but I’m OK with that. Whatever may come, whether my words are accepted or not, I expect my responses to be much different this time around. I have grasped what it truly means to be a peacemaker, and I never intend to allow my soul to become so infested with bitterness again. The toll it exacts is just too high a price to pay.

Lastly, I accept the fact that although I will never be able to control the actions, thoughts or behaviors of another person, I will always have a choice of who controls mine … me or Jesus. May I always choose Jesus!

“God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the sons of God.”

Matthew 5:9

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