Free Fallingposted on August 3rd, 2009 / by Rebecca Gates / 21 Comments
It’s been a life long struggle for me. I’ve walked around wearing this heavy chain around my neck everyday and some days it feels as though it is choking the life out of me. Biblically put, I am in a bondage that I can’t seem to break free from. I’ve never pretended that I didn’t have a problem. It is so common among women that there is virtually no shame in it, but I hate the way it makes me feel sometimes. I hate that the number on the scale can determine the course of my day. One number down and I can be outgoing, happy, and energetic. But, just one number up sends me crying in my closet desperate for the right outfit that can hide the extra weight for the rest of the day. I will be withdrawn, grumpy, and depressed until the next morning when I get another chance to gamble my fate.
I realize that it seems ridiculous that one pound can have such a dramatic affect. Maybe you have never experienced anguish over your physical appearance, but what about finances? I know someone who criticizes me for my struggle and yet throw an unexpected bill at her and she is irritable the rest of the day. She becomes melancholy and short with her kids.
My question is, what controls you? What makes you tick? What consumes your thoughts? Is it a need to work and be in control? Do you seek fulfillment in relationships to the point that you force a strain on the people you care about or drive people away? It’s about that one thing in your heart that lies, “ if you only had me you would be happy”. It is the master you serve like a faithful slave.
If you saw me, you probably wouldn’t describe me as fat. If you new my friend you would know she is definitely not scrapping by. Overall, her finances are in order. As an outsider you could clearly see the truth, but a person’s vision is clouded when in bondage. You won’t be able to reason with them. You can’t change their mind. They know they need a change, but are unable to trust truth…
The last couple of years I have sought after God with everything in me. I have pursued His presence as a life style and something has began to change in me. The Bible says that perfect love cast out all fear and as I have become intimately acquainted with God’s love for me, I have stepped aside from my own way of thinking and allowed God to have His way in every area of my life…except one. I have pleaded with Him to set me free, to show me the way, but the moment He asks me to step off the scale I get scared that He would allow my worst fear to come upon me. I last only a couple days before I take back control over this area of my life. I take the control away from God and begin again in my own strength to eat right and exercise in order to achieve happiness for myself. I bow to the lie that if only I was the perfect number on the scale I will be free from this bondage. The still small voice behind me keeps calling out gently and patiently, “will you trust me?”
Colossians 3:23-24 says, “ Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ.”
God planted this in my heart one day while praying again for my deliverance. He showed me that though I was working hard in my own strength He couldn’t bless it. He revealed to me how all my passion to look great was not as unto the Lord, but for other people.
In that moment as the Lord downloaded this to me, I got a mental picture of God, my loving Father, standing behind me arms open and leaning in towards me so as to be firmly planted, ready and waiting for me to make the next move. I could hear His strong voice behind my ear calling my name, “Rebecca, fall into my arms. Don’t look down at the sinking ground before you. Lose control and fall back into my perfect love. Will you trust me?”
I thought for a moment if I was willing to submit to God everything I eat, my workouts, my jeans size, the number on the scale, all that! Could I let go of my slave mentality and make Jesus my master instead. I wondered what my reward would be, but then remembered how God had exceeded my expectations when I gave Him every other area of my life.
I closed my eyes and in my heart took the plunge. It’s not one jump into freedom, rather a daily free fall. My morning routine being disrupted by the absence of a scale, I am unable to look to its magic numbers like my fortune cookie or bank account report. My daily value is determined by my Father’s love for me. A new routine has replaced the old each time I stand in my closet and pray, “Daddy catch me. I’m free falling”.