Fakerposted on May 9th, 2012 / by Leah Outten / 3 Comments
The word tells me that I’m not good enough to even put on this act, that I don’t believe what I say to others or follow through when I say I’ll be praying for some one. It tells me that I’m not doing my job as a mom to show my daughter the amazing God that loves and provides for us. It tells me I’m not the best wife, because I snap at my husband over leaving his cereal bowl out yet again. Even sitting down to write on my blog or work on my adoption story memoir, that awful word lingers over me, telling me I am unworthy to put on this performance and share the Truth of God, to write for God’s glory.
Faker. It sneers over my shoulder in a nasty, venomous voice.
I remember when that word would echo in my heart daily, anytime I would try to play my Christian role. I often felt like I was wearing a mask, or posing to be a loving Christian person that I wasn’t really if people saw deep on the inside. In the fall of 2010 I prepared to welcome my second child into the world, trying hard to stay afloat in my overwhelming hormonal world. I felt that word follow me as a stink follows a child’s dirty diaper. I couldn’t get away from it–until I changed it. Or rather, allowed God to change it.
Maybe from the outside I looked like I had it all together. Maybe because at the time, my three-year-old daughter went to a Christian pre-school, claimed Jesus was in her heart, and loved singing along to songs about Jesus, maybe it looked like we had been teaching about God at home, too. Maybe because my husband and I had a relationship that other people admired, it looked like we had the perfect love that never lashed out with harsh words. Or perhaps the façade was in my blog writing, so it seemed like God and I were close all the time.
The truth? In my eight years as a follower of Christ, I’ve stumbled. I’ve had seasons of life where I was in a low valley and didn’t realize that all I needed to do was look up and start climbing. I used to get so bogged down with the thought that I had to do things to be in a close relationship with God. Back in 2010, I believed I was a faker because a voice kept telling me so, deep within. I felt that because I would forget to pray at least once a day, not open my Bible for months at a time, and that I would rather sleep in than try yet another church to find a new fellowship home for us … it made me a faker. In essence, I had allowed Satan to accomplish what he loves best: Distract my eyes from focusing on God. And yes, I know to some extent I was putting on an act and I knew God wanted more from me. I knew He was convicting me to a less selfish, deeper and more trusting relationship with Him, one that would form me to be more like Him. But now I know that while God was calling me closer to Him during those dark cloud-covered days, it was actually the enemy’s voice I was listening to. I was accepting lies about myself.
What about you? Is there an area that you feel like perhaps you aren’t seeing the true picture of your own self? Maybe Satan doesn’t attack you with a cry of how you’re “faking being a Christian” in your ear, as he has done to me in the past. Maybe it’s the whisper of, “You’re an awful mom, you snapped at him again! Look at your kids yelling at each other now, you taught them that.” I’ve been in that line of attack very recently, too, friends! Maybe its the thought that you’re broken, damaged goods and can’t be fixed again. The enemy knows our weaknesses; he knows where to hit to make it hurt and sink you lower. I pray that when those moments strike, you realize that voice is not God and that you will reject it. It is so easy to believe those lies! But God is bigger and stronger.
Just recently, I was facing a particularly difficult struggle with lies that I was “faking being a good mom.” God showed me over and over this verse; I like to call it a “love note” from Him whenever it pops up. It sank to my core and released me from those chains of lies.
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 2:16-19)
I suggest reading this over and over again, letting it soak deep. Because if we can grasp how deep and wide God loves us, I believe we can also know that He wouldn’t whisper those harsh, negative words in our hearts. Of course, there are many other verses worth soaking in memorizing too like James 4:7, Thessalonians 3:3 and Acts 17:11.
I will say, there are still many days I forget to pray, let alone hardly ever with my husband. Sometimes I forget that cracking open my Bible might be a better use of time than browsing Pintrest and Facebook yet again. Sometimes sleeping in is what we choose because we’ve had a rough night with our kids. I’ve learned to accept that those choices or situations don’t make me a faker…they make me human. I am not perfect, and never will be! How freeing it can be to accept that truth. All I can do is to continue to love my God and try harder to listen to His voice and His loving, gentle correction.
I’m here to say from the other side of the dark clouded valley that there is hope, that God loves you—us—abundantly. He’s come to blow away your rain cloud. He’s come to lift your eyes and climb back up that mountain with you. Along the way, let Him tell you what He truly thinks of you: cleansed, forgiven, beautiful and a new creation. Let His love and truth sink in. And most importantly, as you prepare for your climb each day, don’t forget to put on one of the most fashionable accessories that God has given us … our belt of truth! (Acts 17:11)
Father God, I pray for each and every person that may read this, that we all will allow You in our hearts to show us what You think of us. Not the enemy, not our neighbor, not our own parents, only Your opinion should matter. I pray that You will be our belt of truth. God, protect our hearts and minds with Your amazing love that surpasses our knowledge. How comforting to know we can turn to You to correct our own perception of ourselves, and that You love us regardless of our wandering into the valley of lies yet again. Thank You, God. In Your Holy name we pray, Amen.