Excuse Me, I Seem to Have Lost … Myself
posted on September 7th, 2012 / by Jackee hamp / 53 CommentsI am sure I placed me somewhere that I knew I wouldn’t forget … yet I am vividly aware I am not finding me. What is even more alarming is I am not sure the last time I knew where “me” was. All of me that is, not just the pieces of me that I have needed to function in any given moment, in any given circumstances … but ME!
How does this happen, you ask? Well, it is not on purpose … it just kind of “happens”. The urgency of the present supersedes the care of my person in the moment … one moment leads to another, and you look around and you find you are nowhere to be found.
What triggered my looking around to face this stark reality is another story; but a strong contributor to this awareness is the women that I am around. Some are younger than me by more than a decade. These women are in the throes of the demands made of wife, mother, friend, employee, and living it out with grace. Most have looked squarely in the eye the darkest parts of their lives and exchanged the shame, hurt and lies for an empowering truth that will never be taken from them. Other women have looked me in the eye with tears brimming, asking: “How did this happen? Where is the person I used to be? Who is the person I am called to be now?” My eyes also brim with tears, because (as you have put together) I find those questions looming over me, too.
I read an article in a magazine today that addressed the evaluation of change in a person’s life and whether it can be made and sustained by the person wanting it. It began by asking two questions: Though you don’t like it, what is true about you? And even though you don’t want to explore this, how do you feel about it? Ouch. These are the questions that cut to my quick. In being busy I have trained myself to avoid such thoughts. In a longing to numb out, I have pretended they don’t really matter that much. But they do. These two questions are at the heart of why I have lost me. They are central to the beginning of the journey to finding myself again.
Over lunch with my friend, Karrie, I listened as she shared the process the Lord gave her to find herself. I took out a small notebook to record her steps. It is with her permission I share these steps with you. Those who have a strong sense of self may find these steps to be a way to confirm that which has been deposited in you or make tweaks where needed. I confess at this time I have not done what I speak of, but will be in the midst of it when this is published. I expect it to be a working document for a while. This took my friend a weekend away to do. I say that not to box you into doing the same thing, but to let you know one morning’s journaling is not likely to get this done.
- Evaluate your heart. Make a list where your heart is, not sparing the disappointments and hurts in your life. It is okay to admit that God, spouse, family and self have been a source for one or more of these. It is the being honest in the moment, as you make this list, that matters most.
- From this list identify the lies you have believed. Ask the Holy Spirit to make your heart alert to the events that have lies attached to them.
- Look at the list of lies. Some are strongholds.* They have defined life for you in a way that is distorted and is hurting you. Evaluate, with the help of the Holy Spirit, how the lie(s) have affected the way you see yourself and how it has spilled out to affect other relationships in your life. Renounce the lie and any agreements you have made with it. How did you see yourself before this process? How do you see yourself now? How has your heart set changed?
- Write out the truths about yourself. You may be in the midst of circumstance of your own making, but you were created with a greater purpose than survival. Document who you really are. Let the Holy Spirit convict you of these truths.
- Search scripture to support these truths. Find reminders of who you are and what you are created for. A Bible app would be very friendly here.
- Now based on who you really are ask yourself about your non-negotiables. What really matters to you? What should you no longer function apart from? This list does not have to be completely “spiritual”. It needs to be what is right and true for you. What values do you hold yourself to? What values do you look for in others close to you? Does this include health (flossing, exercising, etc.) or boundary issues (standing up for yourself)? Does it include simple disciplines that speak value uniquely to you (fresh flowers in the house, the bed made, etc.)? Does it include having special days celebrated in a way that speaks love to you?
I have great hope. No, more than hope. I know that I am out there and ready to be found. I understand that in exposing hurts will come healing. I understand that a heart unburdened of lies will be filled with truth. I understand that a life with direction will be lived with purpose and satisfaction my spirit is designed to embrace.
* If some of the language (strongholds) in this article is unfamiliar or scary to you let me give you some palatable resources where you can build a foundation. Think Differently, Live Differently by Bob Hamp, available in electronic and print versions. Foundations of Freedom DVDs available at Gateway Church (gatewaypeople.com) store tab search “foundations of freedom” to find the five CD or DVD series or watch free online bobhamp.com media tab.
Awesome!
Yes yes yes! Thank you Jackee for being so vulnerable and sharing the challenge where you are right now. God IS faithful to complete His good work in you and me!
Dear Jackee,
What a beautiful invitation to any and all to enter in, evaluate and engage in the ongoing quest of the "me" that somehow gets lost or morphed along life's journey. I couldn't help but break out in a poorly sounding but riched said "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found, Was blind, but now I see."
May I edit "I know that I am out there and ready to be found." I know you are IN there … ready to be found." Cheering and praying, you and countless others (me included) on!
Love, Mary Jo
Thank you! The feedback is affirming.
This was just what I needed. I've been able to go through all these steps, journal and allow God to help me process what He wants to do in my life.
"I was created with a greater purpose than survival!" <—–Love that truth!
Thanks for being used to help me find myself this morning!
kristin- Your last sentence is one to hold on to for LIFE! Thanks you for walking this out with me.
MJ- I hear you sweet voice and come sing along side you in this life anthem. And what a difference one well chosen preposition can make- I am IN there! Thank you.
I enjoyed reading this article. I think it is so important for women to know they are not the only one feeling the way the feel. I am so burdened to be a Titus 2 woman and encourage a younger generation.
I love how this is laid out in a step by step process which is easy to share with others.
May the blessing return to you one hundred fold.
Jackie-Thank you! This is sooooo good! Monumental even! Last year I read TDLD (several times) and then jumped on a plane to attend Kairos and was so blown away by the truth and introduction of it all that I expected from then on I would just live happy and "free". What I have since realized is that this freedom is a beautiful and sometimes excruciating journey of layer by layer undoing the lies of life. I LOVE your transparency that ehcoes the hearts of so many. I love that you aren't saying we need to be a cookie cutter version of 'God's ideal woman's. But who am I really? Who in his amazing, passionate love did God look at this little girl and say "this is what I saw in you from the beginning"? Thank you! I need to copythis and paste it on my refrigerator. I hope you are going to use your 'retirement' to do more writing!
Jackee, Thank you for sharing this journey that you are on – I want to join you. "The urgency of the present supersedes the care of my person in the moment … one moment leads to another, and you look around and you find you are nowhere to be found." I've avoided the two questions as well. Thank you for the invitation. I'm excited to see what God will do.
Your username "JackeeO" reminded me of "the other Jackie O", in that she is remembered for her elegance and grace. The elegance and grace with which you have treated this subject in print, and yourself in the process, makes my heart glad for you.
Love you Mom! I am so excited and proud of you!
So good and I identify so very much! Thank you for being willing to be so real and vulnerable about where you are, it makes it less scary to do the same when someone I respect went first…
Amazing! I love how with Holy Spirit inspired words we can suddenly find ourselves on God's surgery table and in a simple article, walk away changed. Amazing thing, amazing God. Thanks Jackee!
You are totally awesome. What a great article you have written with complete directions on finding myself with Christ and freeing myself of strongholds and lies. You are an amazing daughter of the King. Hoping this is just the FIRST article of many to come
Thanks Jackee!! Sounds like we are on the same journey!!
Love you! Will be sharing this! 
Great post, Jackee. Thank you!
Thank you for the encouragement in writing more. Thank you more for letting me know this hits a mark.
Your sweet words of affirmation mean the world to me because I know the heart they spring from.
This process needs the encouragement of others who will go through it honestly by your side. Know I am one of those people for you.
OXOX girlie!!! My hope is what I break off will make your (& Jillian's) life better.
I guess when it comes down to it, embracing the fullness of grace when we give our pain/shame/sin to God results in an elegance no human can duplicate.
Jackee, your article brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for all the encouraging words!! And I hope to be reading many more of these articles!!
Awareness is central. Your awareness is evident in your compassion and love. I see you walking this out already in ways you may not see. <3
I am so honored to know your heart. It is sincere and seeking all that God has for you. Which gives yoir feed back an impact that humbles my heart.
I receive your blessing and pray your heart for the daughters behind us is seen to it fullness.
You are great person to know–I want you to enjoy you, too!!!
Jackee, I am so glad that you will be doing this with your time. I know it will bring you blessings beyond present belief and enrich your life. I hope you will be keeping a journal or record Love you
Karen H
Jackee, thank you for sharing your practical and uplifting words! Today is my birthday, and what a great time to read your Holy Spirit-inspired thoughts! Often, birthdays leave me a bit pensive as a result of critical introspection. I'm reminded of John 10:10…Jesus came to give us life, and not just the "breathing in and out" kind of life, but life abundantly! And YOU, sweet friend, just gave me some new tools for the journey! Much love!
Thank you do much, Sharon. You & the conference have been on my heart & in my prayers. May it be a blessing for all it touches.
Thanks! Nice to know you read it.
Your encouragement means the world to me. More so that there was an impact that has gone beyond myself is a God kiss.
Thank you for your continued encouragement in this time of transition. The records will be kept though may not be opened fully to the public.
Happy next year, friend!! Your words of the refocus you gained are sweet to my soul…my heart will always have a fondness for you.
Jackee- there is always such a sincerity in your writing. One that invites our hearts to just open up and receive what God has for us in your story. Thank you for sharing the beginning of this journey with us(and giving us the tools), so that we can come along side and join in. And so that we can celebrate through the process. Thank you for boldly stepping out and sharing your heart and life with all of us. Your hope is contagious. ♥♥♥
I so admire you!!!
I love this and will take this journey!
You know your words written mean so much to me. My heart feels the essence of your heart in what you said. Thank you for walking along side me.
We both know it is better together… I like walking beside you! <3
Great post Jackee! I admire you for taking this journey to find truth, healing, and yourself. It will be worth every step you take through the pain. I have found that not very many people are willing to do this. But I can testify it's worth it and you will not regret it. Thanks for sharing this and I'm honored to pray for you as you go find yourself.
Thank you for your encouragement & validating it is worth the path ahead. In many ways I am just beginning to press into it. I know it is key to transformation & that there is a desperate need for that in me.
Bravo, Jackee. Our favorite author once said, "When the most important things in our life happen we quite often do not know, at the moment, what is going on." C.S. Lewis …the moment seems now. Love you!
You are the best at finding the right quote for the moment! Thank you.
Thankyou Jackee for writting from your heart! I'm relating!! Sometimes I feel like I'm in the Dr. Suess story of Horton Hears a Who and God is Horton & I am in Whoville crying I'm here, I'm here, I'm here!!! Father always hears & can see me I know this to be true most of the time but sometimes I think the disconnect is when I feel so small & God is soooo big, I find myself asking questions ; Does Father God always hear & see me? Why do I feel so small? Why would I even question the Father hearing & seeing me? I then realize there's more to my feelings & mind set. I find myself identifying in what you have written. Who am I really, how did I get here? I know Linda the good wife & loving mother of her children. I know Linda the Oma to her 8 grandchildren. I know Linda the good church girl, Linda the servant & disciple of Jesus. But who is Linda to me, Linda? I have somehow forgotten to stay in touch with myself & find myself needing to reconnect & be real with me alone & God. Hugs!
Jackee, this was so good!!! A few people had been talking about your article and how good it was, so I just had to get online to check it out for myself — and lo, and behold, they were so right! Love the truth and vulnerability in your article. Love your heart!!!
~Joanna
Jackee – Thank you so much for posting this article. I love how you put into words and in such a transparent way something I know I have heard myself say before too…Where I am? Who am I? This is a journey that I have been on for the last year and a half, although it has been work and stepping out of what has been so familiar to me for many years the rewards have been so great! Love, Love, Loved it!
P.S. Now I just want to go buy a new notebook (I am a notebook and freshly sharpened pencils kinda girl, I shamelessly admit it) so I can write down these steps and walk through them
~Jess
Jackee- I love your 'voice' when I read it! Thank you for sharing some of the depth that makes up WHO you are- it is really refreshing and a joy to read. I will be doing this soul and heart search- thank you for offering it up. It's great timing. Also—just have to say- love your word flow!
Thanks for letting me know I am not alone in my questions or the path ahead of me. Thank you for the support & friendship you bring to my life.
You are one of the ladies who keep me inspired & willing to look at the uncomfortable stuff. Thanks for your feedback.
This seems to be a life long journey a head for me. I know that being still means going backwards..so I keep on keeping on. You testimony of time encourages me to think this is a right path.
You are such a point of encouragement! Thank you for these words.
Jackee, love the article and love your willingness to be so vulnerable. Hope there will be more to come and love that you are expressing your voice through writing. Finding who we are is like a treasure hunt — fine jewels awaiting! Love you!
Great words, and such encouragement!! We find ourselves "invisible" in different times and seasons, and I so appreciate your vulnerability to share but also to provide a path of "finding and identifying". Thanks so much! A great word …. may we all be encouraged that despite all the outward appearances and trappings,… our heart is the only place we get health from.
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