Her father had left them alone with their mother when she was only five years old. Nevertheless, even at this tender age, she was the oldest of four, and due to her mother’s instability she began to take on the responsibility of raising her siblings. Mom’s meltdowns were sometimes dangerous and left the kids without adult care, so she spent her entire childhood taking care of everyone but herself. In the meantime, her dad began a new family and completely ignored the four kids from his first family.

When I met her, she was in her forties and had endured a series of failed relationships, dealt with bouts of depression and addiction, and was filled with anger against the father who had abandoned her thirty-five years before. About once every decade he had dropped into her life, only to disappear again, fueling her anger and keeping the fire of rage burning. Following our discussion on forgiveness, she fought to genuinely make that difficult choice and not just repeat empty words. When she did speak, the words came from her heart:

“I choose to forgive my father for leaving us alone when we were all little. I forgive him for abandoning my mother and for leaving us in her care when she was unstable. I forgive him for never coming to take care of us and for not loving us …”

The list went on as she purposed to no longer lay those very real sins to his account. She was in no way saying that he was not responsible, she was simply declaring that she would no longer hold these things against him, waiting for him to somehow change in order for her to be okay. The next part began to relieve her pain:

“God, when he did those things I felt so alone!” She sobbed deeply as she released it to God’s healing care. “When he did that I felt scared …” again, the tears flowed as she released his sins and the years of pain they caused to the One who could really carry them.

“When he left, I felt completely unloved and abandoned,” she continued. She was not reciting accusations, she was naming the things she was releasing. One by one the grievous effects of her dad’s choices were named, the pain and suffering they had caused were acknowledged, and she released those wounds to Jesus who had been wounded on her behalf. She was receiving healing before my eyes. This was beautiful, but what happened the following week was unbelievable!

She came in the next week and relayed a life-changing story. Without any contact or prompting, and after a decade of absence, her father called the very same week she forgave him. I am convinced that we open the door to miraculous intervention when we stop trying to do God’s job. Not only had he called, but he came to visit. He spent a few hours with her and her siblings, then he left. But this time after he left, he called her.

“Something was different this time,” he said. “Your brother and sister are still angry with me, I can tell. But you seem … different. Can we get together, just the two of us?”

Her eyes were lit with grateful tears as she described their meeting – how they spent time conversing and interacting, trying to catch up on each other’s lives and make up for lost time. Then she summed it all up this way: “Everything I had wanted from him for thirty years we did in one weekend.”

For that father and daughter it was the beginning of restoring a relationship. Real justice happened, because something that had been wrong was being made right. No eyes gouged out, no teeth pulled, just right-ness; and it began with her choice to forgive. Forgiveness is not a rigid, uncompassionate demand from a God who does not understand. It is His gift, allowing us to continue to love and maintain a soft heart in the face of real pain and evil.

The preceding is an excerpt from the new book by Bob Hamp, Think Differently Live Differently; Keys to a Life of Freedom

To learn more, or to buy the book, go to http://bobhamp.com/

Bob Hamp

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