Even When I Don’t Get My Way
posted on March 10th, 2010 / by Kelli Jones / 34 CommentsI woke up thinking it was going to be a normal day. It was 7:15am and I was making my bed (which is odd because no one was coming over) when my phone rang. I answered the phone and it was my Mom. I figured she was calling me as she was on her way to work, which she normally would do. My mother, who never freaks out and always remains calm in every situation, said with panic in her voice,
“Kelli, you need to come to the hospital now, they are trying to revive Daddy.”
My heart stopped and I let out a shrill scream. My husband came running in and took the phone from me. I knew he was gone. I hadn’t been told that yet but I knew in my heart he was. I was panicking trying to get clothes on the kids so we could take them to a friend’s house. We picked up my sister who lived down the street at the time and rushed to drop the kids off and get to the hospital. It was the middle of morning rush hour so it took us over an hour and a half to get there. I kept calling my Mom as we were in traffic and she just kept saying
“They’re still working on him, this isn’t good, this isn’t good.”
I knew she was trying to wait until we got to the hospital to tell us but I finally had to ask the hardest question,
“Is Daddy gone?”
She broke down and said yes. We were all in shock. My very healthy 65-year-old Dad had been fine one minute and he was all of the sudden gone? It was too much for my heart to bear. This Daddy’s girl (who still talked to him on the phone everyday) had just had her heart ripped into 5 million pieces.
Up until this point my life had been fairly smooth sailing. Yes, there had been struggles here and there and things that I thought were “The Worst Thing Ever” but suddenly my perspective had shifted. This time it was different. Before there was always the hope in every struggle that God would move and the outcome I was praying for would come about. But this time that was not the case. This time it didn’t matter how hard I prayed because the outcome I wanted was not going to come about. My Dad was gone and I could not get him back. I remember in the hours after my Dad passed away going through a ridiculous range of emotions and feelings. It was such a strange surreal state but I clearly remember thinking and saying to God,
“Well, this is it. I either believe everything I’ve said about you all these years or I don’t. I either believe you have a plan here and still love us or I don’t. So I’m going to choose to keep believing. BUT, I’m pretty mad right now. And I don’t like your plan.”
Looking back I now realize that this was a life defining moment. Even though it didn’t look real pretty at the time, my heart made a choice that day that I was going to love Jesus and trust Him, EVEN WHEN I DIDN’T GET MY WAY.
All of my life I guess I had gotten my way in the “big things.” I had a loving Christian family, an amazing husband, beautiful children and blessing upon blessing materially. The one thing that I had begged God for though my entire life was for Him not to let any one in my family die. Seems kind of ridiculous now that I’m typing it but it was a deep-rooted fear and something that I felt I could control if I prayed hard enough. So suddenly, the one thing I had begged God for every day of my life to not let happen had occurred. You see it’s easy to have faith and say you believe but in reality faith is just words until it has been tested. This was my test. God wasn’t testing me, but the circumstances were a test of my faith. The results would prove if I really believed all that I had said a few hours before when life was “easy”. In the weeks, months, and now almost three years since I lost my Dad, God has been so gracious and kind to take away my anger and replace it with peace and joy. There have been struggles in learning to live without my Dad and having to watch my Mom endure the pain of losing her best friend but God has been faithful. He has given me the ability and desire through the power of the Holy Spirit to love Him and trust Him even when I don’t get my way.
It’s so easy to get wrapped up in life and without even realizing it our relationship with God can become self-centered. All we are focused on is what He can do for us. We love Him and are the first to throw our hands in the air in praise when things are going our way but when we don’t get the big promotion “we deserved”, our house ends up in foreclosure, or a loved one is diagnosed with cancer is our response the same? Well, maybe on the outside it is (you know, the one everyone sees) but dig a little deeper and what is your heart response (you know, the one only He sees)? He’s still working on me and I don’t always have the appropriate response when new struggles come my way. But at the core of my being my soul longs to love and trust Him in everything … even when I don’t get my way.
“Though the cherry trees don’t blossom and the strawberries don’t ripen,
Though the apples are worm-eaten and the wheat fields stunted,
Though the sheep pens are sheepless and the cattle barns empty,
I’m singing joyful praise to God.
I’m turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on God’s Rule to prevail, I take heart and gain strength.
I run like a deer. I feel like I’m king of the mountain!”
Habakkuk 3:17-19
Yesterday marked 1yr since Dad became a full quadriplegic after falling from a tractor. Watching this once, nothing but phsical, strong man learn to live life completely still has definitely tested my faith as well. But I loved your point, and this has helped me as well, that we can be angry at God while still loving and having faith in his ultimate plan. It’s through allowing ourselves to experience the human emotion of anger that we can heal. 1 Peter 5: 12-16 has served as a great reminder that pain and suffering are part of God’s plan but that we have to remain faithful that His plan will bring glory.
“Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.”
What a beautiful picture of our Father’s love! Thank you for trusting us with this beautifully personal side of your heart and journey :0) I know many need these words of hope to cling to!
When we don’t understand, He is faithful.
When we can’t see His plan, He is faithful.
When time runs out, He is faithful.
When our world is full of doubt, He is faithful.
When we just want to cry, He is faithful.
When we see our loved ones die, He is faithful.
When we forget to cherish the little things, He is faithful.
When we don’t recognize the hope He brings, He is faithful.
When He breaks to rebuild, He is faithful.
When we walk His path healed, He is faithful.
“Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
- 1 Corinthians 13:7
“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.”
- Hebrews 10:23
My beautiful wife, I love you and thank God for your amazing heart!
Kelli– my eyes are filled with tears… Beautiful writing that totally touched my heart today.
Well said and I completely get it. Miss Daddy more than words can say and sometimes the longing to gave him here is so great. I too am learning to praise God even when He doesn’t work the way I think He will. Thank you for honoring God in your pain. Daddy would be so proud and you know he would be the FIRST one leaving comments every time you wrote something on your blog if he was here. He was always our biggest fan! Love you and glad we are going through this journey together.
Kelli,
I am sorry for your loss. Only our amazing, gracious God can take our most painful moments and make them defining moments. I love your honesty about your struggle. Thanks.
Kelli I am sad to read your words of loss. My sisters and I know that same grief and God is so faithful to bring us through it. It’s the loss that leaves a hole in our hearts. But even that loss that never is replaced by any other soul in our lives, begins to see the joy in having known him instead of the sorrow of losing him. 26 year this month and we all still miss our dad but the work God has done in our faith has made us stronger believers and it will in you. My heart goes out to you today! Love and kisses to your hert!
Kelli- you have no idea how much this spoke to me today. Thank you for sharing this incredibly touching story.
KJ – love this. Thank you for writing this and ministering out of what I know was the hardest struggle of your life. So good to hear someone who has walked through the valley of death say “I will fear no evil for You are with me.”. This, too, is my biggest fear, and I only can pray I’ll be as faithful and graceful when I face that fear becoming reality. Love you girl.
I am 12 wks pregnant with my 2nd child. My 1st pregnancy was smooth sailing for the most part, but this one has been much more if a challenge. A few weeks ago, after being up an entire night throwing up and experiencing severe pain, I began to show signs of a possible misscarriage. My first reactions were that of panic, fear and sadness. On the drive to the ER, I made a decision to trust God’s plan for this situation even if the outcome was not the one I was hoping for and then I began to praise Him and worship Him in song.
While checking in at the ER, I was not greeted by a staff of compassionate employees. I was pretty much just another patient with another need who would need to wait like the rest of them. The main and only concern was getting my info for billing purposes. No offering of a Kleenex, no warm smiles, only hardened, cold responses followed by a, “If your misscarrying, there’s really not much we can do about it” and the words, “Non-emergency” stamped on my
chart.
Once we got settled into our little make-shift room, I buried my head into my husband’s chest and as he hugged me he reminded me this was all in God’s hands and I had peace. After what felt like an eternity later, our hearts were warmed by the beautiful presence of a tiny beating heart of our baby up on a monitor as an ultrasound was performed!
Without going into all the details, I am still not entirely “out of the woods” with this pregnancy and yes, there are moments the thought of possibly losing this baby gets the best of me, but
I have determined in my heart to trust God in ALL things and praise His glorious name through it all. Thank you for sharing your encouraging story with a similar theme.
Kelli,
You have a wonnderful gift! Thanks for sharing your experiences and insight. It was just what I needed this morning. Glad to see you are doing so well!!!
Leah
Thank you so much for spilling your heart on this. It went straight to my heart. My dad made it thru, my dear father in law has been gone four years. I’ll be sharing this one with my husband, and probably my dad too.
I believe in the sun, even when
it is not shining~
I believe in love, even when I
feel it not~
I believe in God, even when
He is silent
(words found written on the walls of a cellar in Cologne, Germany after WWII)
Great post…just what I needed. Thanks!
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. You have no idea how encouraging it is to me when you share your heart back with me. Kelli B., thank you so much for sharing your journey. I will be praying for that precious baby to stay strong and healthy. I didn’t share in this blog but I also lost a baby six months after my Dad passed away. It was the lowest of low times for me. However, God saw me through and I did get pregnant again later. It was very hard for me not to worry at the beginning of my pregnancy with my daughter. But God used that time to to help me overcome fears and to learn to trust Him more. He was faithful and I’m holding that little one year old angel while I type right now. I will be praying peace over you and your husband. Thanks again for sharing.
Kel – You always hit me between the eyes….well God uses you to hit me between the eyes, so I won’t blame you per se. Thank you for sharing from your heart and being so vulnerable!! You are precious to me!
i too am a daddy’s girl, kelli. i can’t imagine the heartache and loss, but i can relate to the nagging fear of losing someone you feel you can’t live without. after our talk on sunday night and sharing our similar difficult roads this last year, i felt a real connection with you. and now i feel an even bigger one….thank you for your transparency and for sharing the journey God has and is taking you on. it is encouraging and piercing all at the same time. blessings on you, friend! beth
“in reality faith is just words until it has been tested.” Oh so true! So glad God’s love is big enough to envelope our anger and disappointment with the plans we don’t understand, and turn it into passion and devotion for Him. Thanks for sharing such a personal part of your journey. You are a beautiful woman with a precious heart.
Kelli,
This is so beautifully written. I’m crying as I write this and feel so much that your words are mine. I have always said, “Faith is a decision, not a feeling”, and you illustrated that perfectly. I am so blessed to have people in my life who share my pain and aren’t afraid to talk about it. Thank you for these amazing insights!
Kelli,
You never cease to amaze me with your level of humility & grace. I am very much a Daddy’s girl as well (maybe it’s that second-born daughter gene!) and cannot imagine a day without my Daddy. I remember hearing about your Dad from a mutual friend of ours when it happened & I was broken hearted for you and your family. God truly is amazing in His ability to bring joy & glory out of any situation and you are glorifying Him mightily with your faith & your witness to others going through something similar. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Wow Kelli. Wonder how many tissues your blog has caused us all to use. Trav was always a mama’s boy so when she died a week before our second son was born it was devastating. 7 years later we still miss her, but we have also learned to rejoice for her. It’s hard to lose someone so suddenly and unexpectedly left feeling like there was so much left unsaid.
Thank you for this beautiful post that reminds us of God’s faithfulness even in the worst of times. His love never fails. Xoxo
When my brother was killed in a car accident seven years ago, it was a defining moment in my faith. God and I wrestled hard for a few years. I still have times when I ask “why?” He was a good man and he was going to walk through all the challenges of our “seasoned years” with me. I did not know a world without him – and I’ve found that world to be very lonely at times, even today. I will miss him always yet I know that the temporary trials of this life will be so worth all the glory of heaven! He’ll be there to welcome me HOME. Yes, God is faithful and He is for us. Period.
wow. what a journey and your heart made me cry for what you’ve had to walk. I’m so thankful that I’m walking DIB with you-I feel like I’m getting to know you on a deeper level and love it! thanks for sharing your life~m
Death is such a life rearranger. We redefine normal. We recreate family. And we wear a scarlet letter, for a time, sometimes forever. When my brother died 13 years ago, it was such a blow to my Pollyanna style faith. In many ways it matured my trust in Jesus, in many others, I became skeptical, a realist as I liked to think. Grief changed me in so many ways. Certainly not the WAY I would choose to be changed but I am changed, stronger, different nonetheless. I depend on God more now, because I know bad things happen to “good ” people. I treasure each day, each moment with my husband and children because I am forced to hold them loosely while loving them fiercely. And now with this pregnancy, it has been a long two years of battling and fighting, tearing down the walls of my heart, all the while God asking me “will you trust Me? Will you ask of me? Will you LET ME show you my love again?” Now 13 years later, I am carrying the final weeks of answered prayer that I was afraid to pray. Because He does not always give us what we want. Or what we think we need. But He does hear our hearts. He DOES delight in our yearnings. He does hear and answer prayers. And I believe again. Different than before Eddie died but finally, I really really believe.
Thank you for sharing your heart and the moments of your dad’s deathand God’s hand on your heart so raw and poignant…
Excellent job Kelli! Praise God that when the enemy knocks us over that God is there to pick us up!! No matter the trial or the loss He is there. God has always been there to fill the gaping wound in my heart. He is faithful and He loves His kids!!
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
I always prayed that I would take this to heart because my life was pretty smooth-sailing, too. When our family faced a huge trial, this verse came screaming back to me over and over…what a blessing God gives us when we are able to find, not happiness necessarily, but joy in the midst of huge sorrow. Thank you for sharing, Kelli! I always look forward to these! xoxo
Loved this! It’s been three years since my dad’s death, and I relate to this so very much.
Kelli! That is so well written and what a touching post! Thanks for sharing your amazing heart! Many life lessons in your words! Your an amazing woman of God!
Kel – Beautifully written. Thanks for allowing the Lord to use you minister to me and so many others by sharing your heart. Daddy would be so proud of you. I have always been willing to help others through their crisis times but, like you, in my prayers I always asked The Lord to spare me from this in my own life. For whatever reason, God chose not to spare me this deep pain and on May 1, 2007 as you know my life would be forever changed as I must continue to live on this earth without my husband and my best friend. As I remembered Romans 8:28 “and we know that in all things God works for the good…” it was hard to imagine what good or how that could possibly be true – after all this was “my” husband, “my” children’s Dad, “my” grand babies’ Grampsy. It was contrary to everything I felt but I had a choice – when my faith was put to the test would I live out what I said I believed all these years or or not. Had I been given the choice I would never have chosen this but I am grateful for the growth I can see in all of us. I wished it had come another way but I see how God is using this to bring Glory to Himself. I love you.
Wow- talk about having perspective when we think it’s our worst day ever. Thank you for sharing your story although I can imagine how hard it must have been to write it out. I am so sorry you had to go through this. I so appreciate your transparency. I am so glad your with DIB, when you write, it’s like your taking us on a journey with you~ bless you =}
“Well, this is it. I either believe everything I’ve said about you all these years or I don’t. I either believe you have a plan here and still love us or I don’t. So I’m going to choose to keep believing. BUT, I’m pretty mad right now. And I don’t like your plan.”
I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad. It sounds like he was a wonderful man. Although my parents are still living I have the same conversation with God almost everyday about circumstances in my life and your post has filled me with tremendous insight. Thank you for imparting God’s wisdom!
Kelli,
My story about my Dad was different and yet … the questions that my heart asked and resolved were very similar. I resolve with you that God is good even in the midst of what we can't understand.
Super looking forward to my daddy/daughter dance in heaven and in the mean time walkin' with Jesus … even when I don't get my way:)
So love you and have enjoyed getting to see you blossom into all things God! Muah!
Great Love!
~Ris
I love that God can use different circumstances to speak the same truth into. Adore you and I'm thankful beyond words for your friendship!! <3
Great job Honey!