Destiny In Bloom

Cultivating Intimacy part 3

Cultivating Intimacy part 3

posted on February 15th, 2013 / by Alan Smith / 12 Comments

We went to the movies a couple of years ago—nothing worthy of an Oscar, just your average big budget blockbuster. There we were, Nancy and I, eating popcorn, enjoying a soda, sporting our highly fashionable 3D glasses, and watching the story unfold—when it happened.

It was subtle. The girl in the movie hinted her love for a boy in the movie. It wasn’t the biggest part of the plot, rather minor actually. But he wasn’t the obvious choice for her. I would have guessed she would choose the other guy. But she chose him instead.

Then God spoke to me.

It was more of a download really.

Nancy chose me.

Something unlocked inside me. Something opened up—something hidden for a long, long time. The tears came. I had no words. They flooded my eyes and poured down my face. My stomach was doing that involuntary crunch thing that happens sometimes when the emotion is big.

I hadn’t cried like that since I was a little kid. Not like that.

The movie was pretty light hearted. Nancy glanced over at me and saw the emotional debacle happening next to her and asked, looking bewildered, what in the world might be wrong with me.

I managed to choke out an “I’ll explain later.”

By the time we climbed into our minivan I had pulled myself together. She looked over at me and raised her eyebrows as if to invite the promised explanation.

I opened my mouth, fully intending to attempt some description of what I had just experienced when it happened again. My tongue suddenly stuck firmly to the roof of my mouth. My stomach locked up once more time in a hard crunch. My eyes exploded like Old Faithful. I absolutely lost my ability to speak.

I drove us to a nearby restaurant. We sat across from one another and I choked out one or two words at a time, as I was able. Mostly I just stared at her and cried. We sat there like that for more than an hour.

It’s a powerful thing to be chosen.

I think the desire to be chosen is one of the deepest and most visceral longings of the human heart.

We fear rejection. We fear that we’re not enough. We fear judgment. Love feels very risky. Choosing another is scary because they might not choose you back. Fear drives a lot of the toxicity in unhealthy relationships.

But perfect love drives out fear.

Want to cultivate intimacy in your relationships?


Choose to be the one who accepts, who serves, who offers benefit to another at your own cost. They might expect you to reject them. Surprise them.

You were made for it.

Don’t make them earn it. Don’t wait for them to do it first. Look beyond the ways they protect themself and see them, the real them.

Your love might heal a very broken place in their heart. Your acceptance might open a door that’s been locked a long time.

About The Author

Alan Smith

Alan is married to Nancy, and father to Lauren, Anna and Teddy. He is the Pastor of Freedom Ministries at Gateway Church and is the author of the new book Unveiled, The Transforming Power of God's Presence and Voice. You can find him at

Alan Smith

12 Responses to “Cultivating Intimacy part 3”

  1. One of my favorite moments. Ever. Thank you for loving me the way you do

  2. One of my favorite moments. Ever. Thank you for loving me the way you do, for being vulnerable and creating a safe place for me to be vulnerable. I love you!!

  3. It is rare that I read someone's words have such a visceral reaction. Right now, I feel like you in the movies … then. Tears are streaming down my face because my heart has so deeply connected with your words. I may not yet be standing on the other side of the door … but, goodness, these words have me opening the door and peeking through. Something is rattling inside me. I know that fear, have befriended it for too long now … but I'm moving away from it. Reading. Counseling. Making different decisions. I'm getting there.

    These words are just right. Not too many. Not too few. But just right. And they are glorious! Your heart on display is glorious. Your vulnerability in motion is glorious.

    These words also made me smile. I can only imagine how freeing that movie date was for you and the emotionally protected space is ate up between you and Nancy. God chose that moment to speak to you and his words formed a key. What a stinkin' beautiful metaphor.

    Ahhh! love.Love.LOVE. this!

  4. Babs just penned everything I was just now thinking…almost to the T…and also through tears. Massive tears…and, even how she concluded with Love, Love, Love? Oh sir, you can't possibly know!

    Again, bless you…just…bless you!!!

  5. This is pure. This is true. You are speaking from the heart here. Gorgeous and simple wisdom. Love!!

  6. Tears flowing while I write this. Thank you for being vulnerable and telling your story in such a relate-able way. "It's a powerful thing to be chosen." So. True.

  7. Can not even begin to tell you how this spoke to me and to read it from a male perspective. Thank you for writing this!

  8. I'm wiping my eyes so I can type without the blur of my tears.
    My mind, my heart, remembered that my husband chose me, when I believed the lie that no one would choose me. I was damaged.

    Then my mind latched onto the fact that I chose him, what that meant to me, and the mere realization that it was God letting me know our hearts were in unity, then the tears started to flow.

    We desparately need unity in all areas of our life together, especially right now, while we are living apart due to a job change. Your post has renewed my hope. I know He has a good and perfect plan for our lives and I must see the unseen, and call it out, until God has brought it to fruition in His way and His timing.

  9. absolutely life-giving. Thank you!

  10. It's rare to hear such words from a man. A woman, sure, but from a man's perspective…it somehow says it stronger because it's rare. Thanks for sharing.

  11. So sweet and eye-opening….thank you <3

  12. Been wanting to read this series and finally got to….. So much to think over and pray about. Thank you for making it so simple and plain, it is unlocking many rusty old questions I've had for a long time that just would not budge. I am beginning to see past the stuck-ness to see the opportunities. Thanks for opening the door!