Control Freakposted on November 29th, 2012 / by Alex Headrick / 5 Comments
I’ve never worked well in groups. I confess that I did almost anything I could to avoid group projects in high school and college and I’m sure in my school file the phrase “does not work well with others” is stamped somewhere on there. I am, amongst other things, a hopeless idealist and perfectionist, which makes it hard to let anyone else take the reins in any project that I’m vested in, including my marriage.
Last year we braved the cold and misty rain to put up our Christmas lights per my grandmother’s request. I stood at the bottom of the ladder giving orders and handing lights and clips to my husband who perched gracefully on the roof. As usual, I was calling the shots. My husband graciously took the orders that were barked at him, as he usually does, right up until it was time to take the rented ladder back to Home Depot. That’s when all my pushing, shoving, and controlling had finally rubbed a hole in my husband’s patience.
My first reaction was to blame him. He was being unreasonable, unstable, and mean. Didn’t he know that I usually knew better? Didn’t he know that I was the wiser one in the relationship?
And then that ever still and small voice in my head tugged at my heart yet again. Don’t you know that I know better? Don’t you know that all wisdom comes from Me?
Suddenly I realized something. See, for years I’d battled with my husband, calling him a poor leader and criticizing him in ways that make me cringe when I look back. But the truth is that I’d never let go of the reins long enough for my dear husband, or anyone for that matter, to take them from me.
The truth was that I’d never trusted God enough to let go of anything.
I’d striven and battled and pushed to be in control my whole life, and in the process I made myself and everyone around me miserable, including my husband. I was afraid to let go. If I wasn’t holding the reigns, I reasoned, who else would? I was afraid, but at the root of my fear was a trust issue. I didn’t trust anyone because I didn’t trust God.
The truth is that sometimes I still have this “fear” in me of the unknown, but I’m walking it out like a bad leg cramp and I’m learning to stand in freedom, even if I don’t feel all that free yet.
And while there’s no ‘money back’ guarantee that if I let go bad things won’t happen, I’m learning to trust that the King of Kings will be right beside me all the way.
That makes all the difference.