It was Christmas day, 1999. Yuri and I had been married a week shy of one year. We lived in alumni housing at Christ For the Nations where we had met and graduated from Bible College. Our first home was a small one-bedroom apartment with a borrowed kitchen table. We had a floral Victorian wood framed hand-me-down love seat which sat in front of a TV stand bought from Walmart and an old turn dial TV that was also given to us. We were sitting on our love seat opening the last present when I glanced over at the clock to see the time. It was then that I realized our first Christmas had lasted all of 15 minutes. I was fighting back tears and really an all out explosion of disappointment. There we sat two newlyweds from dramatically different pasts. It was kind of like city girl raised with birthday months and holiday extravaganzas meets boy raised on hippy commune in Hawaii running around surfing and exploring the island oblivious of his humble holidays. My very own Tarzan except raised by hippies instead of gorillas, thus the name Yuri Lite Star.
Since I was a little girl as far back as I could remember our family would drive out to meet our extended family in the central valley of California. Christmas day consisted of stockings first thing in the morning. We then started the cooking and grazing on appetizers (usually amazing tamales home-made by someone’s Aunt or Grandma we knew) and then there was the grand feast. Usually around noonish we had “presents time.” We watched movies, had dessert, and were lazy together. Christmas lasted ALL day long, not 15 minutes.
As I sat on our love seat I thought for a moment how special it was our first Christmas together, it held the opportunity of starting something new. I could have been grateful for our love, that God had brought the two of us together to create a beautiful new thing even though it meant that we would also have to work at it. BUT NO, I didn’t pass the content wife test. I instead fell apart in all out drama true to my thespian roots. I’ll never forget the look on my husbands face, I saw two things, first I saw what was like a confused “What the heck … I don’t get you” look coupled with his own set of disappointments mixed with a feeling of a failed Christmas. So there I stood in my first married Christmas … remembering moments where I saw the yellow caution tape showing me my boundaries yet I didn’t head my hearts sound advice and instead was left with a memory stamped and filed: DEATH BY EXPECTATIONS.
Being a idealist all my life, I’ve come to learn through great trial that expectations and disappointment walk hand in hand down a isle of misery for myself and all I drag down the isle with me. I’ve learned on more than one occasion that the REAL world doesn’t adhere to “Marissa’s perfect little world” rules.  And WOW, get this, neither do God’s plans for me. I am so glad that God has come and shattered my fabricated world and blessed me greater than my own highest hopes for it. He raised the roof so to say! He started with truth, the kind that humbles and sets free at the same time. Though it had the initial sting of correction it came wrapped like a present of great love. Jesus has an amazing way with our hearts … He takes pain and disappointment and turns them into joy and blessings. I’ve learned that participating in idealism and setting unrealistic expectations is actually serving an idol that’s not real and is built on subtle lies of the enemy that are 90 percent truth mixed with good intentions and 10 percent deceptive thinking. When we build castles in the sky we set up others for failure because the plain truth is … people can’t fly. Unmet expectations have only led me to feelings of frustration and pain usually fueled by the voice of the enemy. Which is not the voice of love. Its time to train our hearts to be alert of the voices we entertain and choose Jesus; the voice of love.
It started with a self-sabotaged Christmas and went on to countless birthdays that I tried to hint and pre-manipulate out of fear my husband would somehow forget or not make it “special”. I served the fear that he would not meet my expectations, when really I never let him out of the box to rise to the occasion. It took nine years into my marriage before I let God begin to show me what was at work in my heart. I needed to set my husband free of my expectations and live with a grateful heart letting my supplications be known to God. I also needed to trust God that he would teach my husband how to love me the way I needed to be loved. As long as I had a death grip on him, God couldn’t work. I needed to surrender him and the expectations I had placed on him to God.
Philippians 4:6-7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
And in true God style … miracles followed.
It was my thirty third birthday. I had no preconceived ideas leading up to my birthday … No “it’s two weeks until my birthday … it’s one week until my birthday” reminders. To my surprise my husband who was left to think for himself planned not one but two birthday parties for me. The first was a princess birthday party with my four boys, a balloon, and a princess cake with a tiara on top. We had pizza, per my boys request (because that is what is served at all great kid parties right?! wink). They went around and told me what they loved most about me, my favorite being the compliment I received from my four year old about my beautiful eyeballs.
Next he planned a romantic dinner for the two of us at a great Sushi restaurant (and, well I have to tell you I love me some sushi) in Dallas. My best friend from high school who lives in Dallas was invited and showed up at the end of dinner and was like the icing on the cake. It was better than anything I could have planned. It showed me that he knew me and knew what mattered to me. I just hadn’t given him the chance to show me.
Dealing with expectations and the disappointments they bring takes on many different faces. Your situations may look differently than mine did, but the frustration and pain you’ve experienced may feel similar. I challenge you to allow the Holy Spirit to shift your perspective and allow you to see the people and situations in your life in a fresh new way.
So as we are going into the Christmas season amidst a ton of fun but unrealistic portrayals of Christmas, let’s take a few moments and let the people in our lives shine or even give them the freedom to not shine. May we take a moment to think how we can bless the ones we love with a gesture of kindness the way it would bless them, not necessarily us. I believe that’s what love looks like; the perfect outfit of unselfishness with accessories of gratitude; the beauty of the Son that becomes us … which is what Christmas is really all about.
Lord,
As we walk into the next few weeks leading up to Christmas may we find opportunities to celebrate your life by laying ours down for others, like ultimately you came to do for us. May the gifts we give to you be the love we give to others in our lives. May we offer them the grace to be who they are (only changed by you), extending a love that covers a multitude of faults, and hope that believes the best even in those who don’t always believe the best in us. Be the Lord of our hearts, ever changing us to see and be more like you.
AMEN!
Signed a recovering idealist in the Father’s hands,
Wow, amazing and boy can I relate. Thank you for so beautifully putting your heart into words. I am going to meditate on it and see what the Lord has planned! Thank you.
Love this! I know that feeling and how refrehing it is once you let those dreamy school girl ideals go for the awesomesness of what God has designed! Great writing.
From one INFJ to another…I totally relate! You’re singing my song! Crashing the idol of expectations is painful, but oh! so freeing. I honestly don’t think I would be still be married if the Lord had not shown me this. Thank you Lord! And thank you, Marissa, for sharing your story – I pray it touches many lives!
The whole last paragrph before the prayer is my favorite. I’ve had many loved ones live each Christmas depressed for the reasons you mentioned and it’s hard to ever live up to their expectations. Just the same, I know my b day is quickly approaching and, well, I’ve gotta learn to let some of my favorites love me their way.
I can always have my own private afterparty just the way I like it,right?! Heehee
Once again, it’s as if you read my mind! Thank you Marissa for your heart and your perfect timing!
So good Ris! This touched my heart 2day as I was drinking a lovely white mocha made with love by my husband who is truly the best Batista! Then looking at the beautiful flowers he and the boys gave me last night – still feeling depressed! What!- Drinking liquid love and gazing into flowers what more do I need! I need to be content and thankful for every beautiful thing that comes my way whether big or small. In the last 2 months I have realized the breath is a beautiful thing as I nearly had it taken away. Next week I have crazy medical test 2 undergo, but I am going to choose 2 be thankful for every day as life in itself is a beautiful gift!
Sweet Ris! As always – so transparent and convicting. Thanks for reminding me in this season that expectations can lead to shipwrecks. I have a story of my own about crashing expectations that lead to God conversions. I am remembering the freedom that came when I released the man I love from my ideas and just let him be him. Keep sharing my friend. You are inspiring!
I think we’ve all struggled under the weight of expectations and expectations unmet. We’re human, right? But, like you, we have to come to the place where we step out of the weakness of our humanity and allow Jesus to step in and save us from our humanity.
I’m still learning this concept, and the fact that you’ve disclosed it took you nine years … well, I know that I don’t have to convict myself for being behind the curve. This is a hard lesson to truly learn and embrace.
Thank you for the reminder that it’s a lesson well worth learning because the results prove it!
this post speaks to my heart so loudly!
I loved it! Exactly what I needed to hear…read. I live with those “Killer Expectations” they never fail to disappoint.
Great story…awesome testimony! I think the prayer at the end should be posted on bill boards and greeting cards and post it notes stuck to mirrors and dash boards, and on commercials on tv…to be prayed by everyone, every day of the year! Thanks for sharing!
you did it again! your stories are like a gift that keeps on giving! Bless you! Thanks for encouraging us all! Love and blessings! Celeste
Wow! Love this! I am definitely going to be thinking on this testimony and gleaning from it in the days to come. The similar feelings I have had in my life astound me and again what perfect timing! You are such a blessing & an inspiration! Thank you Marissa for sharing your heart!
Love it! Sadly enough I’ve spent a few birthdays with a pouty face. My birthday is in January so this is perfect timing!
I love your heart and how your words always sharpen others! xoxo
This is a great reminder about expectaions. Boy! do I remember the first Christmas Reed and I spent in Houston…far from family in Pennsylvania. We bought more gifts than necessary and it was so “empty”. My prayer this season is to Celebrate Jesus and to be so full of Him that I just spill on everyone I meet. You always delight me with what is flowig from your heart. Thanks!
Hey sweet love. I’ve learned that you love surprises….so here I go. Surprise!!! It’s a surprise comment just for you
You are my favorite. Thanks for being so transparent. Thanks to for sharing the deep things that God does in your life. Thanks for being a catalyst of change for all of us that are in your circle of influence.
Love you always,
Yuri
Founder and Creator of the 15 minute Christmas
Thank you for sharing this… just what I needed.
Can’t wait to hear what you get for Christmas. I’m sure it will be a great surprise.
So well written! I am thankful God is using others like you to help me learn key lessons like this early in marriage.
oh girl…you so wrote this just for me. I have been hurt all my life by unmet expectations. I love that you are so transparent and share how it really is.
I always look forward to reading your posts cause God always shows me something so special. Thank you!! <3 ya!
This was really good Ris! I love you. <3
I want to thank all of you for your sweet comments! Sometimes I throw apart of me out there in my writing, just to secretly wonder if I’m the only one who needs Jesus more in a certain area of my life. Your words encourage me more than you know as they also help me trust our amazingly faithful God more in every area of my heart!
I cherish you and carry you in my heart!
Great Love,
~Ris
Ris,
I’m just now getting around to reading your blog, but once again I’m so blessed. Been there, done that, and still learning it all the time. It does get a little easier, though, when the Lord continues to come through so beautifully time and time again – He’s SO faithful!!!!
Love the prayer – going to pray that one a lot in the weeks ahead!
Have a very Merry Christmas and may He blow your socks off with His faithfulness and love toward you!!!
Amazed by Him,
Kisha
I loved this. I easily could have written some of the stories. I just wish this post had been around when those were happening! Thanks for the post!
Thank you for sharing your experience because mine is so similar (except my husband is a country boy whose family just didn’t do holidays!). Being married for a short 3 1/2 years, I have a lot to learn.
Bless you this Christmas!
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