Common Sense for a Boy, His Nose, and His Mom
posted on November 6th, 2009 / by Pam Mueller / 10 CommentsMy daughter came running in the back door: “Mom! Dad!” Next came my 12-year-old son, who was holding his nose and yelling in pain. Then there was blood in his hands, on the sidewalk, everywhere. As I ran to grab a towel and ice, my husband prepared to perform an old wrestler’s trick of popping the nose back in place. One look convinced my husband that this was beyond the wrestling coach fix: in less than 3 minutes, my son’s nose had swelled to look like that of an Orc from Lord of the Rings.
Quickly we hopped into the car to drive down the mountain to the emergency room. Mark drove fast while I monitored the blood towel and my son’s pupils. I’m not sure why I watched his pupils, but it made me feel useful. Mostly I prayed in half sentences.
Once in the ER, we did the normal routine of intake questionnaires and anxious waiting. Fortunately a head injury with lots of blood put us at the front of the line. The nurses, technicians and doctors took good care of John through the whole process of more questions, exams, x-rays, etc. The doctor brought us the good news that although John’s nose was broken, he saw no sign of injury to the brain. We also learned that surgery would probably be needed in a week or two, after the swelling had gone down.
For the first time in hours I could breathe again. As relief flooded over us and we waited for paperwork to be processed, my husband asked John to explain again what had happened…
John was in the side yard after saying goodbye to one of his skateboarding buddies. He looked down and saw a piece of wood, a shovel, and a basketball. Years of playing with Legos and K’nex had prepared him for that moment, and he had the idea to make a catapult. By balancing the shovel on the wood and then placing the basketball on the handle of the shovel and stepping on the other end, he was able to launch the basketball into the air. Stomping on the shovel shot the basketball above his head. Running and jumping onto the end of the shovel catapulted the ball above the rooftop. Then my common sense son decided that (and I quote) “it would be more exciting” if he tried it with a rock instead of a basketball. While the rock did make this physics experiment more exciting, it didn’t turn out so well for John’s nose.
At that point in John’s retelling of the story, Mark and I laughed until we cried. I’m sure it was an outlet for our stress, but as we were falling out of our chairs laughing, the doctor walked into the room. He looked at John, then at Mark and I, then at John again. I wonder what went through the doctor’s mind as he considered the facts of the rock launching next to seeing two parents incapacitated by laughter in the ER.
The irony of this story is that John had been skateboarding all afternoon with his friends. No one had complained of a single bruise from skateboarding. One of the moms in the group had been worried that the boys might get hurt on their home-made skate park. I confidently replied that boys need to have a little risk, and also that I didn’t worry about John too much because he usually displayed a good amount of common sense.
Famous last words. Although John had a temporary lapse in common sense, I still say that boys need to have a little risk. (Yes, girls too, but in this post I want to talk about boys.) Boys need to experience danger once in awhile, push the limits of their physical strength, and find out what they are made of. It is part of their maleness, and it is how God made them. Boys eventually grow into men, and the world needs strong men. Strong men don’t grow out of boys who are over-protected, always safe and restrained from every risk.
Now comes the disclaimer that I don’t really know how guys think. In my femaleness, I can’t fully understand the male psyche. But as a mother I am interested in knowing how I can do my part to help my son grow into a strong man. My husband plays the bigger role in this by showing John how to be a man and calling him to manhood. But I play a role as well, and I want to play that role well.
When John was little, I constantly protected him from risk. I taught him not to run into the street. I made sure he knew to wear a seat belt in the car and a helmet when on his bike. I was selective about who babysat him and the influences that shaped his thinking. That level of protection was appropriate for that stage in his life.
As John grew, I had to learn how to back off, especially in the adolescent years. This did not come naturally to me: my instinct was to hover and to protect my “baby”. My husband, along with John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart and lots of prayer, helped me to learn how to make room for John to grow up. This “backing off” was a process: I didn’t release him to run with the wolves as soon as he turned twelve, and I didn’t immediately know how to handle each situation. Sometimes Mark would pull me aside and explain to me how guys think and that I needed to give John more space. Sometimes I was too controlling and didn’t let go. I’m so thankful that with God’s grace, perfection isn’t required! And by God’s grace, I did learn to let go, not only in the area of physical risk, but in releasing John to make his own decisions in every area of his life. Interestingly, the more I have let go, the more I have prayed for him.
Now to close the loop on the broken nose story. John did have surgery, from which he emerged with a non-Orclike nose that still looks normal today. John has grown into a confident, strong young man. He has moved on to long boarding down mountain roads and jumping off 50-foot cliffs into the water. Yes, I still pray for God to protect John. And yes, he wears his helmet, just like I taught him!
This was SO good! I think I need to get that book too
My husband is constantly reminding me that i don’t want to turn my boys into sissy-la-la boys! It’s hard to let go sometimes though!
Knowing John I can say you have done an excellent job raising a great young man. I appreciate your patenting style and hope in the future I can learn from your skill and expertise.
Yes great blog! I have a 7 year old and since he is my only child I do tend to coddle a bit more than I should. Hubby constantly reminding me to “let him go” but it is soooo hard! I worry so much that he will get hurt. Just last evening we had a very scary moment. Somehow my child managed to get the middle row seat belt wrapped around his neck in the car and it retracted so that it was tight. Upon hearing “Mom, it’s around my neck and I can’t breathe!” I turned on the car light and was horrified at the site. I knew he could breathe because he was talking to me so I tried to keep my composure enough in check to pull into a neighborhood and unlatch the belt. To my surprise, this was a part of the belt that could NOT unlatch. Frantic set in and I began knocking on doors but getting no answer. I needed scissors and I needed them NOW! I ran into the street and stopped a car and a man came to help. The neighbors came out and I screamed for scissors and finally, was able to free my son, who at this point had fear written all over his face and covered in tears. All I could do was hug him and thank the Lord that he had breath to tell me it was wrapped around him, otherwise I would have never known. We can coddle and try and protect but you never really know when or where things can happen. As for common sense, there wasn’t much in him as he wrapped that belt around his neck, but I am quite certain he will not be putting anything around his neck again.
So, I will try to “let boys be boys” but I am still going to hold on tight because someday he will go on and I won’t be able to get my “hug alerts” at a moments notice!Thank you for the reminder…..and book recommendation!
Pam,
Thank you for sharing your story. As a mom of 3 boys under the age of 10 I am in the process of learning to back off. One single word sends them into an all out wrestling match and so far baseball in the backyard has not broken any windows. However, I do sense the need for risk in each of their hearts and am grateful their daddy is there when I just need to close my eyes and walk away!
Pam
Thank you so much for sharing on God’s love and grace through the letting go and backing off process we have to learn to do as Mothers of sons. I have two, 13 and 16 and slowly getting it with God’s help. My husband has helped me so much as your husband did. I have “The Way Of The Wild At Heart” and really feel it is the time to read it. Thank you for confirming. This was very timely for me.
Blessings,
Maty
Being a mom of 2 boys this is a timely and good reminder for me. I keep on hearing about Wild at Heart so I think I’ll be getting that to read. I enjoyed this post a lot and had a good chuckle at your story. You’re a lot braver than I am, I have to say. I don’t do very well at all with blood. This summer my 4 year fell off of his bike and bit through his lip. There was a lot of blood. I got very light-headed, clammy, nauseous and I saw stars at the sight of the blood. I had to sit down for a while to get control of myself before I could adequately help him. It was a low point for me feeling like quite the failure not being able to help my little guy out in a time of need. Thanks for this and fun video!
Keep ‘em coming !! This is so good. I’m am thankful to have you in my life to help me be a better mom.
Well said!!
Confirms what the Lord told me about my girls- they will never become the women I desire them to be if I keep protecting them from life’s bumps and bruises that allow them to have the character that only comes from experience. Two years later, I understand the character growth is not just for the girls, but me too!
Thanks for your engaging, fluid and precise writing.
WOWZERS! Pam this is so real, thank you for sharing straight from the heart. Loved it! Life without risks is no life at all. Wasn’t it Carnegie that urged us to take more risks? The sure thing boat never gets far from shore….glad you live this out and write about it! Thanks!
I just loved this Pam! I have this kind of “release um” challenge times four and it’s true the Lord is the best guide to letting them take risks and be men. I love your stories always wrapped in His faithfulness, embedded with true nuggets of wisdom!
Love~Ris