A question has been stirring in my heart for about a week awakening a curiosity to search the answer out by bringing it before the heart of God. In all my selfishness I had not thought of asking it before. It’s not hard for us to come before God wondering by asking, “What is it Lord you think about me? What is on your heart for me?” It’s like His finger shifted the question to broaden it’s base and yet it’s answer would teach me so much more about myself … my heart inquired, “Lord, what is on your heart for your women … all your women? What was your heart and purpose from the beginning when you created us? My mind raced anticipating a great mystery revealed, yet the answer came in the simplicity of one word: beauty.

The word beauty alone resonates so deeply in my heart as if we both knew we were meant to be together from the beginning. In humility my heart wrapped itself around the word slowly saying it over and over. He created us women with beauty intricately woven into the DNA of our spirits. We are drawn to it, we create it, we desire it!  I don’t know a man that has ever desired to be called beautiful, but think just for a moment how a woman’s heart melts in the presence of this word … but why? Maybe because it was innately put in us as a gift from our Maker not just for foo-foo and frills, but also with a purpose … a purpose to bring beauty (His beauty) to all we encounter. Not the beauty of this world and its standard stick, not a beauty contrived or a beauty bought, nor the aesthetic trappings of walls painted with nothing inside. I’m talking about the essence of beauty a woman has the ability to bring to a room, a relationship, and a marriage … really everything she touches. So many examples come flying across my mind. Just think bachelor’s pad. I had the opportunity to see many of my husband’s friend’s apartments before their finance’s moved in. Simple, mere basics and necessities and then beautiful moved in when their bride moved in. What had been a place to sleep became a home: an atmosphere charged with nurturing, love, and beauty. We as women have that ability. We also have the ability to withhold beauty when we are hurt. I feel the Holy Spirit pausing on this. I can see all the times hurt was trying to steal “beautiful” from my heart and how sometimes it succeeded. How it left me feeling hollow, how withholding beauty from my relationships felt like the offenders just reward and yet it robbed me from who I was created to be. If you’ve been robbed or robbed yourself, this is your moment to let beautiful seep back into your heart, into relationships in your life that need your beauty again.

You were created to be beautiful to bring beautiful to your world! But the raw reality is that your “beautiful” was born into a fallen world where the so called ruler of this world is the king of darkness. He has been out to steal the word beautiful from our hearts since we were little girls. Twisting what beautiful means. Putting more emphasis on merely outer beauty forsaking the treasures of our ability to love, our giftings, and unique dispositions that were fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14). He (our enemy) created a standard that is unachievable and yet it woos us with promises of acceptance, of confidence, and of influence over others. It is a brutal taskmaster that often asks us to betray the integrity of our hearts in hopes of being “loved” by others. It has turned the beauty of our hearts into sizes and numbers. It has tortured many into habitual acts of self-hatred. I know to some of you this sounds harsh, but now is the time, we have to tell the truth and shame the devil. He is the same devil that molests and rapes young women in hopes of forever stealing beautiful from their reality. He desires for them to live a life robbed of even the hope of beauty. But they don’t have to! I know the one who restores true beauty, a kind of beauty that resonates true to our very core and yet this world (the worldly system of life without God) knows nothing of it. For some he has twisted a desire to be loved and called beautiful into a vain pursuit in the arms of men. Men, women, Moms, Dads, pastors, counselors, the list goes on … people can not heal us, restore us, bring beautiful back to a woman’s heart, only Jesus can. And He wants too! I can remember the day I asked Him into my heart while I had the revelation; He had always been loving me … I just needed to decide to love Him back. You see if you’ve been robbed or if you have been mislead to serve a standard that has hurt you, His arms are open ready and willing to restore beautiful through His healing love. He comes to you, gently running His hands through your hair … sliding your hair from your face grooming you for your destiny. He is speaking these words softly and slowly over you, He says:

“(Your name), you are beautiful! You are highly treasured and desired by Me. When I made you, I didn’t hold back! I decked you out in delight! You are my highly favored and loved daughter in whom I take great delight! Nothing can separate you from my great love for you. My plans for freedom and healing in your life would blow your mind, how great are my plans for you! YOU, my beloved are beautiful!”

Ps. 5:11-12 (THE MESSAGE)

“But you’ll welcome us with open arms
when we run for cover to you. 
Let the party last all night!

Stand guard over our celebration.
You are famous, God, for welcoming God-seekers,
 for decking us out in delight.”

So the next time the devil comes to steal the word beautiful from your heart simple tell him to “GET OFF! It doesn’t belong to him and it never did!” Choose to be the defender of all things beautiful in your life and heart.

I leave you with this benediction:

May the word beautiful become close and dear to your heart. May it grow as His love waters it. May you walk in greater revelation of what you have to impart into the lives of those around you through the beauty that is innately in you. May you discover greater levels of freedom as His truth nestles itself into your heart and shines through your life!

You are carried in my heart and with Great Love,

What Mirror Are You Looking In?

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
1 Peter 3:2–4

We’ve all had them. Those days when we don’t feel beautiful. In fact, sometimes we feel downright ugly. For me, I’ve had too many of those days in my life.

Several years ago, I was going through a really tough time. I was having the “I’m too fat and ugly and no one is ever going to love me” pity party. I was single and lonely and didn’t think God was ever going to bring “Mr. Right.” There was one night in particular that I was feeling particularly sorry for myself. I had just left a singles’ event that left me feeling even uglier and lonelier than normal … as if that was possible. It was one of those times when I was surrounded by people but felt completely alone … almost like people were scared to look at me … they might be blinded by my ugliness. (Yeah, I know, I can be a drama queen too.)

As I left and got in the car, my heart was aching. I mean just hurting. I started having all kinds of those horrible thoughts about how I looked. I was so upset that I decided not to drive home; instead I just drove around praying and pouring out my heart to God. I was crying out to Him to change my thoughts, to change my feelings about myself.

After a while, I turned on the radio right at the beginning of a song. It was one I’d never heard before, but the words seemed so familiar. It was almost as though I had written them.

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Those were my words! I mean, I didn’t write the song and I wasn’t singing it on the radio, but that was my heart’s cry! It was as though my feelings and emotions were being played out in a song on the radio for everyone to hear. I wanted to be beautiful. Or at least to be told I was beautiful. Even more, I wanted to feel beautiful.

The voice on the radio continued signing:

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy

My heart kept aching. How many times had I looked in the “wrong mirror” trying to feel beautiful, but failed. I wasn’t seeing myself through God’s eyes. I wasn’t looking in His mirror of love and grace. I realized this fight would never end until I started looking in the “right mirror.”

The song continued:

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

It was like God was singing directly to me. Me! Right in my car. Right in the middle of my pity party. At that moment, God began pouring out His love for me. My heart was full, but no longer of hurt and pain, but of love and peace. God began revealing to me the way He sees me. The love He has for me. I began to feel loved, worthy and beautiful.

That night was just the beginning of the journey He’s been taking me on to show me the true beauty He sees in me. Although, it’s rare that I have these very dramatic and “ugly” meltdowns, it doesn’t mean I don’t have negative thoughts about myself. I still have days where I feel ugly and unworthy of love. I feel like I’m not “pretty enough” or “good enough.” I’m lingering in front of the wrong mirror, gazing in it far too long. It’s on those days that I have to ask myself, “Why are you looking in the wrong mirror again? You need to start seeing what God sees. Start looking in the right mirror.” Part of the journey is remembering to see myself the way God sees me … worthy of love and beautiful.

Beautiful
By Bethany Dillon

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it’s killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I’m dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart,
and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won’t you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Have you ever seen that Sumo wrestler game where a couple of normal weight people wear larger than life fat suits and battle it out in the ring? It’s highly entertaining let me tell you! Well, basically that’s how I feel sometimes. I feel like a normal person in a fat suit and it’s a battle in my mind to see reality.

No, this is not a sob story of a little girl that grew up chunky all her life and is now facing traumatizing low self-esteem in adulthood because of it. Quite the contrary. Riding bikes, Girl Scouts, Camping, Riding Horses, Ballet & Jazz, Marching Band, boyfriends … and more boyfriends. It was all part of my agenda growing up. To be honest, it wasn’t until I became a Christian that I started getting a little insecure about being an overweight girl and began to lean on the comfort of food. I was leaning on the everlasting arms of things that made me happy like cheeseburgers and Taco Bell burritos after late night church services. Well this routine caught up with me all to quickly. During this time embracing my fatness was never an issue. I remember shopping at Sears in the “pretty plus” section of the store and thinking, I was “super special” to have a whole section just for myself.

Every once in a while I look in the mirror and have to take a 3rd and 4th glance as I realize I look nothing like how I “feel”. At some points in my life I’ve wondered did I hop on board “Charlie” (the train in Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood) and confuse the Neighborhood of Make Believe with reality? Don’t get me wrong, all my adult life I have struggled with weight … I’m like a 4 Star general when it comes to the battle of the bulge. However, it has never stopped me from believing there is something I CAN do about it.

But for the first time in my life I found myself in a state of depression and anxiety in the middle of a tremendous moment in my life where I was traveling and ministering literally all over world.

Hmmmmm… This seems off balance a bit don’t you think? The devil took the very thing I was most comfortable with as child that hadn’t really ever been a serious issue in my life and slapped me across the face with it. Why? I had opened the door and allowed my affections and soul to be satisfied with something other than the Lover of my Soul. As soon as I decided to walk through the door of opportunity and promotion I felt as if the red carpet had been pulled out from underneath me and a paparazzi of demons were mocking my fall. How did I get to this weight? Definitely not over night.

Everywhere I would travel and minister, I would have women walk up to me sobbing asking me to pray for them. Most of them saying how much of an encouragement I had been to them and how they looked up to me due to the fact that I didn’t let my weight keep me from pursuing my dreams.

Woah… wait, what!? You can almost hear the song, “Back to Life, Back to Reality” (by Soul II Soul) playing in the background of MY disgruntled “Whatcha talkin bout Willis!” look Arnold was so famous for in Different Strokes. Sorry if this dates me … but those of you who know the reference it’s because it is forever seared in the memories of your pop-culture knowledge.

Oh that’s right! What they are saying is that the phenomenal solo I just sang wasn’t what brought them to tears? It was my fat suit?!?! They didn’t care or know that by this time next year I will be 100 lbs lighter and that sucker will be gone. Oh the joy of denial. It took me realizing that my fat suit had become a permanent outfit along with the few added flutters of the heart that weren’t there before and some swelling of the legs and oh did I mention my knee pain. Plus all of a sudden I had interventions left and right from my Pastors and family. The fact alone that whenever I would fly, I had to ask for an extension belt to be able to buckle up was well … A Rude Awakening.

Okay all you skinny girls at this point of the story pick up your jaw from the floor and take a deep breath… life isn’t that bad after all is it? LOL! I love my skinny friends! I do! They look the way I feel most of the time, and the way I see myself in my head.
So at this point, something had to be done. I moved next door to L.A Fitness and the workouts and calorie counting began. Of course, I lost weight immediately and haven’t put back on the 38 lbs I have lost. But like everything in life that needs change, it’s a process. At this time I also renewed my vows with the precious Holy Spirit, a fire was sparked and a new Honeymoon of experiences in my life began. He took me to the scripture and showered me with these words:

2 Corinthians 3:17-18 “For the Lord is the Spirit and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is Freedom.
So for all of us who have had that VEIL removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord- who is the Spirit- makes us More and More like him as we are changed into His glorious Image.”

It takes my breath away thinking about it. I am Free in Him, free to take off or leave on this fat suit. Free to know that His love is for me with or without it.
However, in this freedom, I can be changed, renewed and transformed into His glorious image. What more do I want!

So friends, I choose to take it off … transforming my outward image. But I also choose to be changed by His spirit … being transformed on the inside to His image as well.

Here I go … off on an adventure with my Maker hand in hand in a makeover to be more like Him.

We could all use a make over adventure … my question is what kind is He taking you on?

It’s been a life long struggle for me. I’ve walked around wearing this heavy chain around my neck everyday and some days it feels as though it is choking the life out of me. Biblically put, I am in a bondage that I can’t seem to break free from. I’ve never pretended that I didn’t have a problem. It is so common among women that there is virtually no shame in it, but I hate the way it makes me feel sometimes. I hate that the number on the scale can determine the course of my day. One number down and I can be outgoing, happy, and energetic. But, just one number up sends me crying in my closet desperate for the right outfit that can hide the extra weight for the rest of the day. I will be withdrawn, grumpy, and depressed until the next morning when I get another chance to gamble my fate.

I realize that it seems ridiculous that one pound can have such a dramatic affect. Maybe you have never experienced anguish over your physical appearance, but what about finances? I know someone who criticizes me for my struggle and yet throw an unexpected bill at her and she is irritable the rest of the day. She becomes melancholy and short with her kids.

My question is, what controls you? What makes you tick? What consumes your thoughts? Is it a need to work and be in control? Do you seek fulfillment in relationships to the point that you force a strain on the people you care about or drive people away? It’s about that one thing in your heart that lies, “ if you only had me you would be happy”. It is the master you serve like a faithful slave.

If you saw me, you probably wouldn’t describe me as fat. If you new my friend you would know she is definitely not scrapping by. Overall, her finances are in order. As an outsider you could clearly see the truth, but a person’s vision is clouded when in bondage. You won’t be able to reason with them. You can’t change their mind. They know they need a change, but are unable to trust truth…

The last couple of years I have sought after God with everything in me. I have pursued His presence as a life style and something has began to change in me. The Bible says that perfect love cast out all fear and as I have become intimately acquainted with God’s love for me, I have stepped aside from my own way of thinking and allowed God to have His way in every area of my life…except one. I have pleaded with Him to set me free, to show me the way, but the moment He asks me to step off the scale I get scared that He would allow my worst fear to come upon me. I last only a couple days before I take back control over this area of my life. I take the control away from God and begin again in my own strength to eat right and exercise in order to achieve happiness for myself. I bow to the lie that if only I was the perfect number on the scale I will be free from this bondage. The still small voice behind me keeps calling out gently and patiently, “will you trust me?”

Colossians 3:23-24 says, “ Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ.”

God planted this in my heart one day while praying again for my deliverance. He showed me that though I was working hard in my own strength He couldn’t bless it. He revealed to me how all my passion to look great was not as unto the Lord, but for other people.

In that moment as the Lord downloaded this to me, I got a mental picture of God, my loving Father, standing behind me arms open and leaning in towards me so as to be firmly planted, ready and waiting for me to make the next move. I could hear His strong voice behind my ear calling my name, “Rebecca, fall into my arms. Don’t look down at the sinking ground before you. Lose control and fall back into my perfect love. Will you trust me?”

I thought for a moment if I was willing to submit to God everything I eat, my workouts, my jeans size, the number on the scale, all that! Could I let go of my slave mentality and make Jesus my master instead. I wondered what my reward would be, but then remembered how God had exceeded my expectations when I gave Him every other area of my life.

I closed my eyes and in my heart took the plunge. It’s not one jump into freedom, rather a daily free fall. My morning routine being disrupted by the absence of a scale, I am unable to look to its magic numbers like my fortune cookie or bank account report. My daily value is determined by my Father’s love for me. A new routine has replaced the old each time I stand in my closet and pray, “Daddy catch me. I’m free falling”.