I was driving my son to preschool one morning recently and we were listening to a Christian kids music CD in the car. Ok, now any one who knows me just went back and read that again. I don’t usually do the whole kids music thing at all, let alone the Christian kids music deal because … Well, I’ll just be honest: it mostly

makes me want to stick my head in the oven.  But I was tired of people staring at me in shock when they overheard my kid singing All American Rejects or Akon under his breath while he plays video games.  I decided to give being the good mom a try and so Joshua and I were singing and dancing around in the car before I dropped him off and after I got back in the car I left it on for some reason. (Probably because it wasn’t so obnoxious my brain tried to ooze out my ears or anything)

And then I had this weird moment. I was driving home but I was completely arrested by the words in the simple little child’s song.

“And I’m really happy You’re in my life

I’m really happy You’re in my heart

And I’m really happy ‘cause Jesus You’re all I need.

‘Cause I gotta few words to say

And few things to do,

And a little jumping around,

‘Cause I’m living for you

And I’m really happy You’re in my life

I’m really happy You’re in my heart

And I’m really happy ‘cause Jesus You’re all I need.”

It repeats over and over (though there’s a few verses as well) presumably because it’s for children, and the lyrics are so simplistic. But they suddenly struck me as incredibly significant. ‘Jesus you’re all I need’ I don’t know if it’s because I grew up in church and I heard statements like that made so often they lost meaning or if because, truth be told, I am a bit cynical but I had always brushed off statements like that as being pretty cheesy.

But as I sat there driving in the rain towards my house, listening to that little song I could hear my concerns and preoccupations rolling around in my head like echoes.  Bigger car, better car, smaller pants size, better house, bigger house, cuter clothes, more make-up, new flat iron, new earrings, a vacation, a manicure … my internal list of wishes and wants swirled around until I could almost hear them.

‘Jesus You’re all I need’

The song kept playing and I kept listening and all of a sudden I realized I was nearly in tears. It was the first time I ever really believed ‘Jesus You’re All I need’. I started thinking back, remembering the life He saved me from and thinking about the beautiful life He gave me in return for my ashes and it didn’t seem like a cheesy thing to say anymore. It didn’t seem like something people say because it’s the right thing to say and they’re being good little Christians. I realized that many of those people had simply grasped a truth I hadn’t.

It is so easy to get caught up in this life around us, to become saturated in the pursuit of things.  We look at the people around us and compare what we have to what they have and somehow we always can find something they have that we want.  It is so easy to forget we are living in a temporary world and the real thing is yet to come. In the midst of all this insubstantial stuff we cling to He is real and solid.

So I don’t care if I sound like a cheesy Christian because it’s true! I can trust in Him and know that come what may He really is all I need.

We stepped out of the SUV into a world like nothing I had seen before. A naked little boy walked past us, staring, as I tried not to stare. The makeshift houses were built close together, so we carefully made our way down the narrow alleyway. We passed the neighborhood water supply, a public spigot shared by all. I glanced through doorways to see cramped, dark homes while I was also trying hard not to step in raw sewage. I could feel the sweat running down my back from the humidity. I don’t have words to describe the smell:  I’ve grown to recognize it as the smell of poverty.

The excited chatter of the children led us to the meeting place. We climbed a metal ladder (that was mounted straight up and down like monkey bars) to the second story for the Joy Club.  For two hours we sang songs, told stories, gave lots of attention to kids, and then we fed them.  I love kids—they are funny, playful, never boring. But the growing heat of so many active little bodies in a small area motivated me to seek a cooler spot. I climbed back down that treacherous ladder to get some “fresh” air.

I stood in the alley, waiting for the team to finish saying goodbye. It was only about 4 to 5 feet wide, so I stood not far from the doorway to a home. Three young Moms had gathered there, curious about what was going on. They took turns walking out the doorway, glancing around curiously, and then chattering in Hindi. One of the Moms eventually made eye contact with me. I smiled. She smiled back, shyly.

In that one smile something changed in me, forever.

I had been standing there, taking it all in. I felt overwhelmed by the poverty, the smell, the sadness of so many people in need. I wanted to fix that moment in my mind so that I could go back home and tell my friends about what I saw. How could I describe the reality of what I was experiencing? Can words really convey that people live this way?  I was thinking about how different my surroundings were than my comfortable American suburban lifestyle.

My next thought shocked me. What if I flipped this around and tried to describe to that smiling Mom what my life is like?  Would I be embarrassed to describe my home that is 10 times bigger than hers? Would she be able to stretch her paradigm to imagine a life without hunger, a life with 24-7 access to good health care and not only one but many educational options for my children? I decided it would be much harder to tell her about my life than to tell my friends about hers.

But her smile changed me. In that smile I felt a human connection. In that smile I saw beyond her physical need to her spiritual hunger.  In that smile I realized that in spite of our differences in life situations, we are more alike than we are different. I was just as curious about her as she was about me. She enjoyed hanging out and chatting with her friends, as I also do. Like me, she was concerned for her kids’ safety and scolded them when they misbehaved. She and I both needed the hope and peace of a loving God. Her smile changed my perspective. She was no longer a statistic, one of “those poor people” in the slums of India—she was one living, breathing human being.  Though we never spoke, her suffering was not theoretical. I was close enough to smell it.

My heart was breaking for her and for so many suffering people around her. I felt human compassion, yes, but I believe I also had a glimpse into the heart of God. I believe that the God who created the universe cares deeply for poor people. He hates their suffering. He hears their cry when they call out to Him. His heart also breaks for them in their suffering. I believe that God can smell poverty, and He says that it stinks.

As I stood there, in the middle of her reality, I was confronted with how I would respond to the need. Would I simply feel sad and cry over what I had seen and wish it were different? Would I be too overwhelmed by the thousands of needy people around me to feel like I could make a difference? Would I walk away and decide that it wasn’t my problem? Maybe I could have if she hadn’t smiled. Then again, maybe not.

But her smile did change everything. If we were more alike than different, how could I go back to my comfortable life and forget about her? Her smile connected me, and I knew that I must do something. I must use my time, my resources, my skills, and my influence to help bring hope to hurting people. I’m so glad that her smile changed everything.

Since that time my family has been very involved in an organization that helps the local church to feed the hungry, provide clean drinking water, educate children in slums, rescue orphans and aid victims of human trafficking. The joy of seeing lives changed outweighs the pain that I felt that day that I smelled the poverty. You can learn more about this organization by checking out the website: http://www.sowerofseeds.org/

“He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God.” Proverbs 14:31

I always wanted to be married. As a little girl, my dream was to grow up, meet the man of my dreams and live happily ever after. I’ve always liked boys. I was never one of those little girls who went through a stage where boys were “icky” or “gross.” In elementary school, I was the girl on the playground chasing them. Even to this day, I get along with boys better than girls.

I’ve always had a strong desire for a husband, and I always believed God put that desire in my heart. The problem was I never surrendered that desire back to Him. I never released Him to work in my life. Instead, I placed my expectations on God. I wanted it to happen in my time (around 22 years old) and with the person I chose. I never fully committed to letting God bring my husband to me. I was determined that I would find him and that God would bless our union once we were together.

So, my story goes like this:

• Girl wants to grow up and get married.
• Girl tries to find “the one” on her own and suffers a lot of hurt and heartache in the process.
• Girl doesn’t find “the one” by her 20s.
• Girl keeps getting older … fear sets in.
• Girl finally decides to surrender everything to God, including her desires.
• Girl allows God to fill the emptiness in her heart.
• Girl realizes that God has so fulfilled her that she is 100% OK to always be single.
• Girl meets the man of her dreams at church … God’s house. (No irony here!)
• Girl gets married 10 years later than SHE planned!
• Girl knows that God is in control of every aspect of her life.

My journey isn’t unique. The timing may be different. The choices may be different. But I know a lot of women out there have a story like this. Through my journey, I feel like there are several things God put on my heart to share with women, specifically single women.

If I could meet one-on-one with each single woman out there, here are a few things I’d say to help them on their journey of singleness:

1. Let Go. Let God.
   Stop searching! Stop trying to do it on your own. I’m not saying to just sit back and let life pass you by as you “wait” on God to bring a man in your life. What I’m saying is stop trying to do it on your own. If God has given you a desire for a husband, trust Him and believe that He will honor His promise to you.

1. Live your life to the fullest.
   Make the most of every day. Get out there and have fun. Always be open to meeting new people and building relationships. Go on a cruise or a road trip with friends. Don’t let life pass you by just because you’re single. Grab the bull by horns and have fun! Remember, God wants us to enjoy life and live it to the fullest. You can’t do that if you’re always focusing on finding a husband.

1. Get to really know your friends.
   Once you’re married, you won’t have time to develop the types of friendships you have when you’re single. Don’t waste this valuable opportunity to spend time connecting with people. You could very well be forming friendships that will last a lifetime.

1. Get involved in your church.
   Who knew that I’d meet my husband by volunteering to host a Bible fellowship?!?! You never know when or how God is going to bring him into your life. Don’t be afraid to get involved in your church and get to know other people who are going through the same life experiences as you. It definitely helps to have friends you can relate to.

1. Always be open to new possibilities.
   I have a close friend who says she will never say no to a blind date. I love that she doesn’t let blind dates intimidate her. I also love that she doesn’t put God in a box. I know plenty of people who have met and gotten married after going on a blind date.

1. Develop an intimate relationship with the Lord.
   It’s important to find your satisfaction in Him and to allow Him to completely fulfill your desires. Now is the perfect time to get to know your Lord and Savior on a more intimate level.

The most important thing I want to get across is this: Never cease to pray and ask God to fulfill the desires of your heart. Never. God loves a persistent prayer. He is a jealous and loving God, and He wants to bring all of your hopes and dreams to Him. In fact, our best desires come from God. What He wants is for us to surrender our will, our hopes, our dreams … our desires … to Him. And then He will give us more than we could ever imagine. If you do this and trust Him, I know He will give you the desires of your heart. In His time, in His way.

Until then, I encourage you to live … pray … believe!

_________________________________________________________________

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us. Glory to God in the church! Glory to God in the Messiah, in Jesus! Glory down all the generations! Glory through all millennia! Oh, yes! Ephesians 3:20

“Dance like no one is watching, love like you’ll never be hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live like it’s heaven on earth.”

William Purkey

Control Freak. Those words either resonate with you or they don’t. And of course there are various levels to the madness in which control can manifest in a person’s life.  It’s a sneaky little fella that’s for sure. Dressed up and disguised as just wanting to do the right thing … kind of trying to make others do it too Sometimes disguised as good goals until they feel like they are going to kill you. Other times being driven and not driving this life we live. Some people want to control their weight, for some their environment (everything being perfectly in order to feel in order), others controlling situations so others can’t hurt them. For me it was wrapped up in love … I could even put a pretty bow on it and call it passion, probably even convince you of it.

When the Lord began shining the beacon light of His truth on this little culprit at work in my heart, exposing the places it had tainted with it’s lies, he used this memory to show me something about myself and reveal His truth.

A couple weeks after I gave my life to Jesus while living with my Aunt and Uncle I got a kitten. Oh my goodness the cutest little black and white kitten I’ve ever seen. I went with my Aunt and cousins to pick a kitten out of litter of kittens born on a nearby farm. I told my Aunt I wanted a cow-cat (a cat that is black and white like a cow), she knew I needed something to love and went and found them for me. I spotted the one I wanted right away and crawled under this old tracter and pulled the little guy out by his tail. I was at a place in my life where I felt all alone and somehow that loneliness disappeared in the companionship of that adorable kitten. I loved that kitten and he loved me. I named that cute little cow-cat “Dude”. I would walk into the room and say, “What up Dude?” and he would strut his stuff right over to me. I loved that kitten so much that I would start petting him and holding him so tight that he would start yelping in high pitch sounds. I loved him so much that I would literally hurt him with all my love. I couldn’t help it, I would just squeeze his little body so tight. If I could tuck him inside me I would. I just couldn’t get him close enough to me.

A few years later while in Bible College, my boyfriend (husband to be) and I broke up after dating for a year and a half. I was devastated. It was my first real Christian relationship and I put so much pressure on it to be perfect. I would get so hurt when it wasn’t. Just like that kitten I would squeeze so tight, I loved too hard that I was actually pushing the one I loved away. I tried controlling our relationship so I wouldn’t get hurt. I served the fear of being hurt until the very thing I feared the most came upon me. When we broke up we both walked away with very little hope we would ever get back together. I was crushed, having thought I heard God and holding broken dreams of the future in my hands.

I remember laying flat on the floor in my apartment crying mascara stains into the carpet, crying out to God to heal my broken heart. He showed me my heart and it had three thorns in it. He said if I would let Him pull the thorns, they would bleed and hurt initially (we had to go back to some hurtful memories growing up) but then they would fully heal. I would face the fear head on with God and on purpose feel pain instead of devising plans and controlling people so I would never have to control situations again. One by one God and I revisited memories, dealt with pain and the fears that hindered me from giving and receiving love in freedom.  The Lord sent me to India, Argentina, and New Orleans on missions’ trips to serve Him with my whole heart and to share with others the same love I had received from Him. Six months after our break up Yuri and I got back to together and were married within six months. My husband told me how the Lord had told him the old had to die, so the new could live.  Eleven years later, I’m still thankful for the work that God did in our hearts during that time.

This year our church started off the year with a 21-day devotional called, “Let’s Go!,”  I started to read it and the Holy Spirit began speaking to my heart and His words shined like a beacon light again exposing where that little culprit of control had set up camp. He said, “For others this may be “Let’s Go!,” but for you this year is about, “Letting Go!”

We have four boys ranging from eight to three years old. I’ve home schooled the oldest two and kept all my boys really close to me, desiring with the entirety of my heart that they know and serve God their whole lives without having to experience things I went through.  So here’s this picture of me squeezing that poor little kitten again until it’s yelping for relief, except this time the Holy Spirit shows me it’s my children. The fear is that they won’t turn out to love God, they’ll make the same mistakes I made, they’ll hurt and I’ll have been the one that hurt them (that’s as real as it gets from this Mama’s heart.) I began to cry and repent asking the Lord to reveal His truth. Under all that I did well, hidden was a motivation of fear. I realized if I kept squeezing I was eventually going to produce the very thing I feared. I love that the Lord is faithful to put us right back on His track fueled with His truth when we are quick to repent.

The Holy Spirit began to talk to me about the hand posture of letting go, how it is the same open palm posture of giving, receiving, surrendering, praising, and worshiping. The hand posture of closed fists is associated with squeezing, clinching, fighting, striving …  all expressions of lack of trust. Even holding, as when I pull in one of my boys and hold them my hand runs flat across their back, we in openness give and receive love. Everything is open and nothing is closed. In my heart I wrote my children’s names on my hands and lifted them to the Lord.

I prayed, “Lord, I let go of my children and surrender them to you. I let go of trying to make them love you and know you in all my own strength. I let go of the false control I thought I had. I repent of serving fear and making it an idol in my heart making provision for it by not trusting you with them. I give them to you and receive your grace to steward these gifts that are yours. I praise you with them written on my hands in my heart worshipping You because in every way You are good! I partner with You to parent them, lead me by your wisdom for You know them better than I do. Teach me how to gain their hearts. You have always been faithful. Lord, I will trust You!” Amen!

For me it was my children, what area in your heart is the Lord shining His beacon light and exposing where control and fear have camped out? Sometimes it’s really scary to step out and trust the Lord especially because we like that feeling of “being in control.” But the truth is: if He is not in control, we were never really “in control.” Whatever it is I encourage you to let go! Shake those hands out, loosen up the grip, open up your hands and give all your pain as well as fear to the Lord and receive all the freedom he desires you to walk in.

I’ve decided to live my life hands wide open, I encourage you live like that with me!

With hands wide open and Great Love!

Quote from ~ NEMO (Disney/Pixar)

Crush: ‘Let us see what Squirt does flying solo.’

Crush: ‘The little dudes are just eggs. We leave ‘em on a beach to hatch… and then, coo-coo-cachoo, they find their way back to the big ol’ blue.’

Marlin: ‘All by themselves?’

Crush: ‘Yeah.’

Marlin: ‘But, dude, how do you know when they’re ready?’

Crush: ‘Well, you never really know. But when they know, you’ll know, you know?’

There are times I come across someone’s writing and think, “I just can’t say that any better myself.” I recently read a devotion by one of my favorite Bible scholars, Skip Moen, and thought this exact thought. He is a man who has studied, beyond measure, the Hebraic thought pattern and choice of wording behind the scriptures, and he presents his writings from that very perspective. He is intelligent and incredibly educated, but mostly, he is a man of God, searching to know more of Yeshua and desiring to share that insight with others. I know this because my husband, Anthony, and I have had the opportunity to get to know Skip beyond his website and daily, email devotionals.

Leverage, the title of the devotion below, has so much meat, so much truth, so much “gosh, that’s good stuff”, that I knew it was pointless to try to recreate the wheel. Instead, I just chose to re-present the wheel.

“What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Matthew 19:6

“Joined Together – Every translation I checked has the same wording, “joined together.”  But that doesn’t quite capture the overtones of this very unusual Greek verb (syzeugnymi).  The verb literally means “yoked together.”  It is found only twice in the LXX (Ezekiel 1:11 and 23).  Both are translations of the Hebrew verb havar.  When Yeshua spoke about the purpose of marriage, he must have used this Hebrew verb.  It isn’t just about “joining.”  It’s about pulling the load together.  Joining is what I do with lumber, committees and pipes.  But yoking implies work to be done.  No one hitches two animals in a yoke without having an objective in mind.  Yoking is about pulling in the same direction in order to accomplish the same purpose.

Two people who are joined together in an agreement for mutual pleasure, protection and provision are not necessarily yoked.  To be yoked is to share the same task.  This is the purpose of marriage as God sees it.  My spouse and I must share in the same God-given objective.  Without this, we are joined but not yoked.  Of course, that doesn’t mean we do the same job.  We may both have different tasks but we have the same objective.  What is that?  It is to live in yoked harmony, recapturing what it means to be one again in a display of perfect redemption.

In case the imagery wasn’t clear enough, we might look at the homophones of havar.  The consonants are Chet-Bet-Resh.  Changing the vowels from a to e produces a word that means a company, a band (of brothers) and a magic spell.  The concept behind all three is binding, whether by association or incantation.  Altering the vowels again produces haver, the Hebrew word for friendship.  Obviously, being yoked means more than a tandem work team.  It is closely associated with the deepest kind of community.

Finally, let’s take a glance at the pictograph.  Chet-Bet-Resh is the picture “a fence around a person in a house.”  Marriage is the fence around the house.  It binds husband and wife so that nothing and no one can interfere in the exercise of God’s prime directive for “one-flesh” union.  Oh, that’s doesn’t mean sex.  The prime directive is to act as regents of the heavenly kingdom here on earth so that His name may be glorified.

OK, here’s the bottom line.  Yoked means pulling together, not pulling apart.  Yoked means deep friendship, anchored in common commitment.  Yoked means not being alone.  Yoked means holding hands while we travel the path of God’s purpose in a broken world.  Yoked means not letting go.

Lots of couples are married, inside and outside the church.  Few are yoked.  Those who aren’t know they aren’t.  Those who are can’t imagine what it would be like not to be.” [Skip Moen]

And because this has been said with such conviction and passion, I’ll leave the words to settle on your heart without adding my own.

*If you want to read more of Skip’s writings, please visit his website at www.skipmoen.com.

There was a time in my life when I felt invincible and fearless. I really didn’t have anything to worry about. I didn’t feel vulnerable. But that changed the day I learned I was going to be a mother for the first time and suddenly a new battle started in my mind. I became vulnerable with the fear of all the possibilities of horrible things that could happen to my children.

It started with the fear of miscarrying in the first trimester. As the weeks turned into months I found myself wondering at every ache and pain I felt in my pregnant body. I worried if I didn’t feel the baby move enough. I would diagnose myself after googling each symptom or reading “What to expect when expecting”. To my shame, I turned to this first rather than remaining steadfast and unshaken in my faith.

When the baby arrived she was beautiful, healthy and perfect but I found new things to worry about. When she was sleeping, I found myself checking on her numerous times to make sure she was still breathing and that she wasn’t smothered in a blanket. Sometimes she was so still and quiet that I would gently shake her just so I could hear a little murmur from her lips to assure me that she was still breathing.

She grew perfectly but, unfortunately, the list of hazards grew with her. There were things to choke on. Stairs to fall down. Water to drown in. Reckless drivers to crash into us. I would hear a story about a baby choking on a piece of balloon or a child choking on popcorn in the movies and then those things became hazards too. There were child predators and devastating stories on the news. Really, the list of things that could happen was endless!

The strong maternal instinct to protect my children at all costs is natural and God-given. They are my greatest gifts from the Lord and I love my children more than anything else on this earth. The fear of something bad happening to them is, without a doubt, my absolute worst fear and while this fear helps serve me to protect my children I do not want to serve it as I sometimes have. I do not want to be in bondage to this fear that Satan could use as a tool in my life.

One day a friend asked me a simple question that set me on the path to learning how to win each battle with fear in my mind & finding freedom. When my now 8 year old was a toddler and I wasn’t paying attention she wondered out of our church into the parking lot, which is next to a busy street. My heart almost stopped with fear and I panicked when I ran out in to the parking lot and didn’t immediately see her. After I had found her safe and sound, my friend came up to me and said,

“You know that God loves her more than you love her, right?”

Well, of course I knew that! … Didn’t I?

I did know that but the significance of what that really meant hadn’t been real to me before that time.

I wont say that I have fully mastered this battle because often times I feel that old familiar fear trying to sneak in to my mind and heart and the battle starts again. But I will say that while I am diligent to do all I can physically to protect my children, mentally I am now quicker to take those thoughts captive and release them to God rather than letting them have precedence in my mind. Instead, I focus on God’s promises, renewing my mind, which, in turn, brings God’s peace and freedom to my spirit. Completely trusting Him is the solution to all my fear.

Sometimes in life it feels good to get a fresh start, to move to a place where no one knows who you used to be. You get a chance to be who you want to be instead of being boxed into the person everyone still remembers when they see you. However, if we aren’t careful we may find ourselves hiding behind a nicely manufactured facade.

I was twenty years old when I decided to do a Discipleship Training School with Youth with a Mission. It had only been about three years since I made a commitment to the Lord and left my old life. I was starting to feel pretty good about myself.  I exchanged the stale taste of cheap beer, meth and slutty men for a new life free from shame in Jesus Christ and had managed to completely separate myself from all that I had once been. Drinking and dating had become the unpardonable sins. I was actually a step above most other Christians since I refused to even watch TV or listen to any music other than worship or classical.

I was a bit surprised by my YWAM peers who did not hold to the same standard of holiness that I did. We were, after all, there to spend 3 months preparing for a two-month missions trip to Brazil. Fortunately, my judgments were not perceived, and I made friends with the other students without any difficulty. They loved me as the sweet, good girl from a nice family. And I was so happy to be known as the girl without issues.  In all sincerity, I WAS thankful for the work God had clearly done in my life. It wasn’t all fake. It just wasn’t my WHOLE story.

Usually in the first couple weeks of a DTS, there is a sharing session where the students are encouraged to be open about a difficult time in our life, a struggle, or a testimony. This happens on stage with a microphone in front of leaders and peers. It is meant to bond the group and bring authenticity as well as get everyone used to sharing deep things in front of a crowd. Well, this was going to be a problem for me since I was not willing to lay down my new identity.  I would have to come up with something a little less ugly than the truth.

That was the plan anyway. I was to be the first to speak the morning after we had closed with our favorite girl sharing with us about all the years of sexual and physical abuse at the hands of her Satanist parents. She was real and open, and we were all changed by her story. The atmosphere on the whole campus changed that night, and the Holy Spirit began dealing with me about my own authenticity. I felt as though my decision that day was going to have an even bigger impact on my ability to walk in freedom and all that God had for me than I was even able to comprehend.  It was agonizing, but I was going to take a chance on being treated by the boys differently. The girls might see me as dirty. And the leaders may see me as disqualified.

I stammered a bit as I looked into all the faces, possibly seeing admiration for the last time. I began to tell my story of physical and sexual abuse at the hands of my father. Their faces dropped a little more as I shared how I lost my virginity before I was in seventh grade and continued my pursuit to find someone to love me until I gave up when I was seventeen. The drugs could never make me skinny enough. The alcohol could never numb my pain for long. The hypocritical Jesus that my parents had preached to me my whole life failed! I was hopeless. I was empty. And then God sent a young pastor and his wife to love me. And that was the first time I began to realize who God is. I saw that He loved me and He valued me enough to notice me.

The room was silent except for the occasional gasps and sniffles.   I walked off the stage and everything HAD changed. I now had a group of friends who loved me for everything that I am and not just for the part of me I allowed them to see. There was no fear of being exposed. The boys still had crushes on me, but they weren’t any less respectful. And I still refused to date.

I am that nice girl! My rough edges are beginning to smooth. My ability to love and to receive love is greater. But I am also made up of my past experiences, hurts, trials, shames, all of which God has used in my life to refine me into the woman I am now.  I am compassionate towards abused women because I have been abused. I am strong because I have had to be strong.  I am gracious only because I have known God’s grace in a powerful way to come and save me from who I was. His grace, not judgment, made me want to be better.

Something else also began a long, slow process of change in me. I started to see that being a Christian isn’t as much about what I do or don’t do as it is about love and mercy and grace. In three months’ time my roommate left YWAM after finding that she had arrived pregnant. One friend had to go home to get help for her anorexia disorder, and another friend went back to her life of exotic dancing, live-in boyfriend and illegitimate son. People’s lives are messy, but God is gracious and loving to us all. He isn’t willing that any should die or come to ruins. All of us have sinned and still sin at times. If you think you don’t then, your sin is probably found in a hidden heart issue of pride and judgment.

Are you looking for your fresh start?  If you haven’t yet experienced God’s love and grace; you know you can’t change the past, but you want a new future full of hope and peace that no one can take away, then let this be your moment. Believe that Jesus died in your place for all of your failures, bad things you’ve done, and even the ones you have yet to do. Thank Him for his love and grace and believe it’s all for you. Now ask Him to take over. You know you have made a mess of things. At the very least you realize that His ways, and His plans have got to be better than anything you can do on your own, so commit to Him your life. Serve Him as your master, but learn to love Him like no other.

Maybe, you are a Christian who can relate to that critical, judgmental attitude that I possessed before understanding how God’s grace is at work in me and in others. It’s hard to be compassionate for others when we have not learned to receive God’s grace in our own life. Let’s pray that God would reveal the depth of his love and mercy to you so deeply that you view all of life through the eyes of love. God never intended for us to be each other’s Holy Spirit. He intended that we love one another as He has loved us. That’s our job. It’s God’s job to make the changes needed to cause us to reflect His holiness. It’s His kindness that leads us to repentance. Judgment only drives us away.

Maybe you’re a ministry leader afraid to go up to the alter or reach out for help wondering what people would think. You feel bound by people’s perception of who you are. The enemy has lied to you, making you believe that if people knew the real you, you could lose everything. It keeps you from deep friendships. And it keeps you from walking free.  We can never fully walk in our destiny if we have not been able to reconcile our past.  Take a chance. Don’t be afraid of who you were or of not being perfect all the time. The people I admire the most are the ones who let me learn from their mistakes. They let me know I am normal every time I fail and it helps me to try again. Tell your story, the WHOLE story and let God use it to free others to be real too.

“There is so much in me that needs to die”  (Nouwen)

I look around and see people. People walking, smiling, talking, in serious conversation, and I wonder about their story. Where they’ve come from, what they believe, what has brought them to this very moment in this day? And then, I judge. I judge from facial expressions, body language, and relationship interaction all the way to outfits, hair color, and the type of shoe they’re wearing. I wonder at their story and I judge them. I attempt to put them in this tiny compartmentalized box instead of seeing what Love sees. I wonder what would happen if we all began to see each other how Love sees us? I can’t speak for you, only myself, but it is rooted in my selfishness. As Bethany Dillon says in one of her wonderful songs, “it’s such a silent, but deadly crime to think I own my life”–to think that I have the right to silently disregard PEOPLE. We want to live well, but our first efforts should be to help others live well.

People have to know Love. Humanity cannot survive without love. We are all different, yet we are all in this thing called “culture” together. Life isn’t about a ‘them’ and ‘us’, but a WE. Humanity: hurting people with broken lives and a yearning to be loved. The things we feel are universal, yet we still see each other as us, them, and competition. Quickly forgetting that one man’s silent struggle may very well be the one thing we ourselves have overcome. It becomes so simple to forget that we could very well be one step away from looking like the one we judge too quickly. Forgetting, so easily, that we too get lonely, angry, confused, and hurt. When one lashes out in an attempt to protect his already shattered heart, we are quick to reduce him to nothing. Our walls continue to thicken, our shields continue to rise. . . faster and faster. We keep others out in fear they will judge us just as we have judged them. We are a broken humanity with imperfect lives embedded with incredible stories. Stories provide comfort, hope a realization of something bigger. I believe that when we all realize that our story holds value, power, grace, & redemption—we then realize just how alike we really are. Fallen creatures loved by a risen King full of good, love, and power. When we hear each other’s stories we begin to remember where we came from—a Sovereign Love that knows no bounds. We realize that we are brilliant beyond measure and created brilliant out of nothing. We realize how free we can be to be who we are in entirety, because the walls and shields begin to dissolve. Pride and fear begin to be dissolved by a relentless love that instills hope in futures and in our present reminding us that we are a part of something bigger.

This perfect Love that answers all our doubts, fears, and questions with this: “My love is over, it’s underneath. It’s inside, it’s in-between. These times you’re healing, and when your heart breaks. The times that you feel like you’re falling from grace. The times you’re hurting. The times that you heal. The times of confusion, in chaos and pain. I’m there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame. I’m there through your heartache. I’m there in the storm. My love I will keep you, by My pow’r alone” (Tenth Avenue North). This is how all of humanity is united: LOVE free from judgment. It’s called grace.

As you think about 2010, you may have no idea what the year holds. Maybe fear, anxiety, and excitement are flowing through your veins creating a nervous adrenaline; however, be challenged with this: make selfless your vision. It’s about HIM and WE. Be challenged to love and serve until you simply don’t think you can anymore, and then continue to do so. Disregard self, help others live well, and love until hope is restored and embodied in others because hope has been restored and embodied in you.

It’s not just about you and me. Our story is a love story: between God, others, and ourselves. A profound love, conquering hate, rooted in the grace of God that knows no bounds.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. And over all these virtues put on LOVE, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”  Colossians 3:12,14

Michaela is a coffee addict, California-lover, soccer player who will

graduate in four months with an Exercise Studies degree. She has no idea

what’s next but simply wants to impact and serve for the Kingdom.

Michaela lives in Tulsa, OK and attends Victory Christian Center.

What happens when you think you’ve reached the point of feeling you know all there is of God? When you feel as if the journey is finished and this whole thing called “being a Christian” is just about doing and how much knowledge you have? When in a moment you realize there is no heart connection and you feel empty and cold? When you’re left to question, “What is this all about?”

When I moved to Texas from Michigan I have to admit my heart was in a state of brokenness and had become cold with disillusionment.  It was as if I felt nothing except for numbness, yet at the same time there was such a high intensity of pain present.

I had come to a point of fully believing there was nothing more to God, nothing else to learn of him. I know … that sounds really religious and arrogant, but it was the reality of my heart. I really believed that lie for a long time and never even realized it. The belief was so hard core that I was like, “Why have I been doing this my whole life? What is this all for? How can I serve a God that I’ve already figured out, when there is nothing more to discover or anything else to touch and see of him?” I FELT SO LOST!

For a long time, I wallowed in self-pity and cried tons of tears. I know that just sounds girly but it was really more about my heart crying out than being emotional. My heart was as hard as ice.

After about a year of being here in Texas, I found myself battling sickness for close to three months.  One night I came home, took a pregnancy test and found out that I was pregnant and miscarrying all at the same time.  It was the most PAINFUL moment of my life. I was devastated and angry and had never felt such pain, physically or emotionally, in my life. A life was being ripped from my heart and my body.

Even though I had not known I was pregnant before the test, I some how had an instant connection to that life inside me. That bond lead me to a moment where I had to decide what God was to me. Did I really believe there was no more to him?  Could I open up my heart again, or would I close it off for good? Can I just tell you that right there in that moment I had never felt the touch of God and the realness of his heart for me as I did screaming in my bed that night from all the hurt. I made the step in my own cold and darkened heart to open it up to Father God again; and in the midst of death, I felt life. It was not about what I did or did not do, or even about my head knowledge, it was simply a moment of hope that brought about faith–raw faith! I knew right then, even in the most painful loss I had ever known, that there was more to him. I would be on a journey of discovering him and allowing him to pursue me.

Right around that same time, we had some friends that were new on their journey and relationship with the Lord. As I watched the Lord drawing them in, and their growth journey in him, it became a live picture of God’s pursuit of us. It was powerful. It was another moment the Lord brought into my life to soften in my heart.

The key is: God NEVER stops pursuing us, we just stop letting him.

This whole season in my journey of discovering, Jason was praying for me and loving me just for who I was and how I felt, which most of the time I did not understand; but I look back now and see how and why. Having the right mate really counts, because he was truly a living example of God’s heart for me. It allowed me to eventually start feeling more than just pain. It is part of what took me from being lost to seeing more clearly.

This journey of discovering was all about God showing me he loved me enough to pursue me. I discovered my heart again, but even more so, I discovered that his heart is never ending.

All of this was to share with you that God is pursuing you and wants you to know he loves you. It is not about church. It is not about perfect religion. It is about your heart being connected to Fathers’; and realizing that there is more to his heart and more to yours.  When they connect again, you will see wonders; you will see new and fresh glimpses of him. You will not just feel again, but you will feel deep passion again.

What is your heart story, and where are you in the journey of discovering?

Bonnie-Ruth is passionate about living out loud in the midst of the good the bad and the ugly that life brings, allowing others to see that they are not alone in whatever they are facing.  She desires to see people, especially woman, experience the freedom of being exactly who they are at all times, rather than trying to play a “role”. She enjoys watching movies, shopping and drinking a good Starbucks … it’s how she takes a breather from the demands of life. Her favorite things are celebrating with friends, planning parties and hanging with family. Bonnie Ruth and her husband Jason have been married 9 years April 2010 and look forward to the day they become parents. Together they have been in ministry for 9 years and are now the lead pastors of a new church plant, Freedom Church in McKinney TX. She says, that her most incredible life moments are, “When my hubby and I said “I do” to each other and when we said “we will” to planting Freedom Church.Doing life in her community & meeting new people is her new thrill. She is on the most exciting journey of her life and would not want to be doing anything else. The Rolf’s believe ever story matters and no matter where you are or what you are doing; you can learn something from someone else’s story.

Freedom Church – www.freedomchurchnow.com

My journey began with my conception: life, the first breath of hope given to me by my Heavenly Father. The first seed of love was planted within my spirit, surrounded by my soul, and encompassed by the flesh that I am identified by as: Shelly.

To look at my face or hear my voice you may just see an ordinary, all-American girl. But if you look a little deeper and listen a little closer, you’ll hopefully catch the portrait of my Heavenly Father’s love that overshadows the deep scars of choices that I have made for myself and those that I had no control over. It’s true that I am the eldest of two girls born to two very young, hurting, wounded, and toxic people, at best. Being a pastor’s kid, the natural assumption would be that I grew up in a safe and loving environment, but this was only the case on the outside. I suffered for many years at the hands of family members, learning to endure severe sexual abuse of all kinds and emotional torture as I was taught to hide the truth. Love and acceptance were always in huge supply as long as I met the requirements and followed the rules to the letter, but never, to my knowledge, offered without conditions even to this day.

When I was 23 and graduated from Bible College, I met my Knight on our campus.  We shortly grew in love on a mission’s trip to Scotland…castle and all!  Fast-forward five and a half years, we had moved from Dallas, Texas to Arizona to be close to the Clonts family, and with the birth of our fourth child I began to have surfacing memories. My answer was to run and live in denial, and I made the devastating choice to have an affair. But through God’s powerful seed of love, my precious husband’s passion to display God’s love to me, and the incredible ministry at our current church here in Frisco, Texas, I am here to declare that God’s love is deeper, wider, stronger, and more powerful than anyone or anything! I made an adult decision to invite Jesus to share life with me and to be baptized and receive my new name!

Through an incredible recovery program at our church, I am over twenty months free of the chains that had me bound and am currently leading worship! I love living life with my little nation of warriors and warrioresses, and my marriage continues to grow and strengthen each day. I stay free by submerging myself into the Word of God, surrounding myself with non-toxic relationships that I lovingly call my family of choice, and leading myself through Bible studies and monthly books with the WILD Women of our church! I can honestly say that the greatest key of freedom is the honesty and transparency that I daily experience with the Lord Jesus and my husband, Jason.

We have been married for nearly nine and a half years, and it has only been in the past eighteen months that we are learning what healthy boundaries and non-toxic relationships look like. I have chosen to forgive those who have abused me, just as I have been forgiven of the incredible sin I’ve committed. But this doesn’t mean that I live life with these people.  I choose to give God the freedom to do the healing He desires, with me out of the way, and allow true love to flourish.

I’ve been on many sides of love.  True love is just this: God’s heart beating through us so that the one we are connecting with is able to obtain a small, tangible part of Who God is for them! Love truly has very little to do with us and has everything to do with Jesus. The most intimate way, in my opinion, of serving others and becoming a servant leader is to place others first, so that they may be in the position to receive the purest form of love from God; by serving and loving them the way they need, not the way I may think they need.

My definition of love is this: love believes the best even when the one you love cannot; desires the best even if that goes against all your personal desires; and sees the best even as your feelings tell you otherwise.

The seed of love that Jesus planted within me is growing more each day as I choose to walk in His footprints that lay before me and as I grow through all the challenges that I am going through. I am completely in love with Jesus, my first love, and I am completely in love with my Warrior, Jason! Both continue to walk with me on this journey I call life, and neither one has left my side. I am honored, blessed, and so very grateful to be living this life and journeying with faith, hope, and love!

May this journey I have traveled this far be a light to your path, and in a small way, bring hope to your heart!

Shelly is honored to be the wife of her mighty Warrior, Jason for nine years,  mother of four precious little warriors, and one of the worship leaders her family of choice at Elevate Life Church in Frisco, Texas. She spends her time being lead into a deeper love relationship with Jesus through Bible study, leadership development books, and writing worship music. She enjoys family fun nights, cultivating their love language within their home, and drawing deeply from the healthy friendships God has given her with her “Besties”. The greatest key that she wears on her “tool belt” is willingness: being open to live life to the fullest … God’s way … loving living this life she’s been given!