As a young Christian in my early 20’s I was saturated, super soaked, if you will, in Jesus. As a direct result of my new found faith and many hours each day in His Word, I was absolutely filled to the max with joy! I was pretty much happy no matter what. Happy to go to work, happy in my apartment, just happy! God’s love and mercy for me just overwhelmed me (in a good way).
Had you known me then it would have never crossed your mind to wonder if I had any issues with anger because at the time I didn’t. Or so I thought. Truly, most of my Christian life I was so dependent on Jesus; anger was just not in the picture.
Then my husband and I started having children. And it wasn’t immediately that I had anger problems. It wasn’t even with my first-born. But by the time I had my second child, Noah, I started noticing changes. With two toddlers, my time with Jesus went from hours each day to smaller, more condensed prayers: “Oh Lord, just let me make it through the day,” or “Oh Lord, just help me not to hurt anyone today.” (Obviously, I’m somewhat joking!). Not only was I ‘Jesus deprived’, but I was also extremely sleep deprived.
Since we were on the two-year plan it was time we had our third child. I think emotionally I was probably at my lowest and most drained when we had a newborn, a two year old and a four year old. We had no family to come over and give me a break. It was just us, me and my husband. He was in full-time ministry and worked six days a week with one day left over to run all his errands and sleep!
I found myself losing my temper more and more frequently. My emotions were raw, and there were times when I thought I was just going to lose it! Why didn’t anyone intervene you ask? I was, after all, in full-time ministry alongside my husband. Surely, we had a large support group, right? I was in leadership at MOPS. Surely I said something to one of those women, right?! Well, unfortunately, I was a great actress, and having it all together was by far my best performance. Look at me, I’m a pastor’s wife, with three lovely kids, running Kids’ Choir and pulling off two performances a year, and we just bought our second home. I couldn’t let anyone see that inside I was a mess. Looking back, I don’t think I knew how to let anyone in.
I will never forget one of my many wake up calls one night when Hope was in the bathtub. She was about three and a half. Noah was maybe 16 months. I don’t remember all the details, but I do remember Noah was supposed to get in the bathtub and wasn’t cooperating. I lost my temper, and I yelled at him. There was my little Noah standing naked next to the bathtub, and he peed on the floor because he was so scared. Please understand, I’m not proud of that moment. It’s one that pains my heart every time I think about it.
When we moved from Irving, Texas to Bedford, Texas I continued to try and keep it all together. I was very independent and would never think of telling anyone my struggles, let alone reaching out for help. I remember getting upset at Hope, who was about 4 at the time, because she wouldn’t stay in bed and go to sleep. As I went back to put her in her bed, she said to me in her sweetest, saddest little voice, “Mommy, I wish we could move back to our other house”. Since our house was much bigger, I was so surprised. “Why?” I asked. She said, “Because I think this house makes you really mad.” I will never forget her words as they haunt me to this day. I knew I needed help.
It has not been an easy process. It has actually been quite the journey. First and foremost I had to give back control to Jesus. I had been holding on so tightly that my knuckles were probably turning white. I had to throw religion out the door. I had enough of that, and all ‘religion’ did was make me feel bad for not being good enough. I had to get on my knees and finally surrender all my issues to Jesus. And I had to admit that I couldn’t do it anymore on my own, that I needed help. I did have some sessions with a Christian counselor who really helped me to dig into my past. My entire upbringing until I moved out at the age of sixteen was filled with pain and anger. My mom was an alcoholic and would rage at different times throughout my whole life. Most of the time, it was directed at the men in her life and then my step dad. But my brother and I would feel her wrath. She was known to break things, hit things, and throw things.
I guess I was just surprised that it took having three kids for my own anger to surface its ugly little head. I remember after a session with my Christian counselor, she said to me, “Wow, it’s a miracle you’re not totally messed up right now!” And I said, “Oh, that, that’s Jesus.”
We’ve since moved to Colorado. We are in a very healthy church family. I’ve come to realize that we are all kind of messed up in our own way–that’s why we need a Savior. What I have discovered through this journey is that the more time I spend with Jesus, the more peace and patience He gives me. The more I allow Him to love on me, then in turn, I am able to love my kids, my husband, my friends and family more freely, with grace. You see, without Him, I am nothing. I would probably go crazy without my Jesus. It’s true! He is all that is good within me.
Am I perfect today? Have I arrived? Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I will never be perfect. But I have allowed God to heal me from my past, and I am not the same person I was. Less of me and more of Him. That’s a good thing!
I share this story because moms having issues with anger is one of those taboo topics we like to sweep under the rug. We are ashamed. And heaven forbid that anyone ever knew of all the times we’ve lost it and screamed at our children out of anger. The only problem is, the more we hide it, the worse it gets. And the more we try to control it on our own, the more out of control our anger seems to get.
The first step to your freedom is to confess it to Jesus and ask Him to bring safe people into your life. Have accountability with a safe friend and allow her to ask you the hard questions. It would be great if you guys could pray together maybe once a week. Also, keep a journal around and every time you lose control, write it down. Write down how it made you feel when you were done. If you’re noticing that it’s frequent/daily, please don’t hesitate to get help from a Christian counselor either at your church, or have your church recommend one. Don’t say, “I just can’t afford it.” Some Christian counselors offer a discount based on your family’s income. You can’t afford not to.
And always, always, if you know you’ve disciplined your child out of anger, not out of Christian love and normal discipline, but in anger, ask for your child’s forgiveness. This is powerful! What a lesson for them to see that we can humble ourselves and ask for their forgiveness when we’ve done something wrong.
And when you’re about to break the silence about this and you feel ashamed, remember that Satan is the accuser. Jesus does not condemn. He offers love, acceptance, forgiveness, and grace. Which voice is in your head? Choose to receive His unconditional love for you today. Step out and take a chance to make a change. It’s never too late.
I know my kids will read this someday and say, “Really? We don’t remember that!” And I will say, “I know baby, that’s Jesus.”
Ephesians 4:26-27 “Be angry, and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.”
Verses 31-32 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
P.S. You also have to forgive yourself.
Additional Resources:
Be Angry [But Don't Blow it]: Maintaining your passion without losing your cool by Lisa Bevere
She’s gonna blow!: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger by Julie Ann Barnhill
The Anger Workbook by Les Carter and Frank Minirth M. D
“I would probably go crazy without my Jesus.” I feel like I should wear this on a t-shirt every day, as my testimony to the world. But also, as a reminder to myself when I look in the mirror. Why do I forget this in moments when I am going crazy? What’s missing? JESUS. The peace of Jesus. The sound mind of Jesus.
No matter who I am connected to, at the end of the day it only matters if I was connected to Him.
Thank you Celeste for sharing your experiences – ones that almost all of us can relate to. I know many people struggle with this and you offer the only light to a dark situation – Jesus!
Love you sister,
Carin
I have always loved your realness and willingness to share your heart…thank you for sharing once again!! I know it will minister to many who read as it did to myself…you are an amazing mom, wife, and friend!!
Everyone has something they must overcome… thank you for reminding me that we are all so different, yet all so alike.
Celeste, Thank you for sharing this…ironically i felt this way over the weekend. I can’t tell you how many times I counted to 10 in my head…I’ve been a little cranky since I started feeling sick last week, and unfortunately my daughter has taken note of my short temper/patience. Thanks for being my friend and introducing me to this blog.
Love ya!
Gina
Thank you, thank you! It’s always comforting to know that there are other CHRISTIAN mother’s that have been where you have been/are. Thank you for your transparency. Very encouraging! :0)
I can so relate to this! After having 2 kids so close together I could not believe the ugliness that came out of me. I thought I was a nice person before that and I always spoke so kindly to my husband too. I remember how my guilt and anger was diffused when I shared with some other mom’s at a Bible study and they said that I was normal. I guess that the more I tried to be perfect and failed, the angrier I got. But when I exposed it, the darkness had to flee. GOOD WORD!
Wow, I’ve never lost it with my kids. LOL! Haven’t we all been there? That moment where we feel our blood boiling and we’re about to blow…
Our only hope is Jesus!
Thanks for your transparency, Celeste. I know this will be just the right thing someone really needs to hear today.
I proud of you for being honest & open. I know this will help many mothers. I know in the sleep deprived, stressful, trying to be the “perfect” mother life ,we have all “lost” it. Like you said Jesus is always the one to turn to for help. Thank God for his mercy & grace.
As the grandmother of your beautiful children I can say you are an incredible mom. I love you & I am soooo proud of you.
Love, Kay
Thanks Celeste!
great blog!! thanx so much for sharing this…its really got me thinking of asking God to help me deal with these anger issues before I become a mom….
Great blog, Celeste! Thanks for being authentic and giving practical advice!
AMEN, sista! I know you know we share the same heart on this and I will always remember the special moment the Lord gave you and I retreat years ago, bringing HIS peace and HIS healing…I love you and your transparency! love you!
ANNNDDD…you are an incredible mom! I love learning from you!
I relate to this…I had my two biological kids 17 months apart over 13 years ago. That was a handful enough. Then their bio-father left for a different life and I found myself a single-mom to two, who were still 17 months apart. The frustration and fatigue of raising kids on my own, intertwined with the hurt of being left and all that came with it, manifested itself too many days in anger that spilled over and onto my kids…regretfully. They received my fatigue. They received the anger I couldn’t vent to the husband who had left me. Oh, how I do hope that many of those days from that time are covered by Jesus.
You’re right. Anger, no matter what the precursor, is an issue that is shameful to Moms because we’re supposed to be cheerful and loving and tender and kind all the time…right? Yah, sure…
You’ve written about something that is “taboo” — when it shouldn’t be. Thank you for exposing in honesty and grace the answer…MORE OF JESUS…and His Grace that covers all.
Wow my friend! Yet again you described me to a T! This is a big struggle for me on a very regular basis and I am in a constant battle because I feel so ashamed and guilty many a day. Many nights I go to bed with my heart aching over failing the Lord, failing my children and failing myself and I cry out to God for His mercy and grace to cover my children who I feel I have failed once too often. I’ve had some very, very ugly moments. I never knew I had a temper until I had kids. I would have to say that this is my one big constant struggle in life. Celeste, you are so completely honest and transparent. I’m SO glad you open up and share what you do. I cannot express how encouraging it is for me to read this good word you gave and to read the comments from the others who’ve experienced this. For me it is a lonely road being in the ministry and I don’t like opening up because 1) things have been used against me or misconstrued when I’ve been transparent (2) gossip in the church is ridiculous. I feel like crying right now because of the encouragement I’ve received through this blog. THANK YOU my friend for sharing what you have. With much love to you!
@Tirzah- Wow, you and I seem to have more and more in common! I just love you and your openness here! I can’t tell you how many a nights I would finally get them to sleep and think, “wow, I am so cranky or sometimes just mean”… But I do believe this is a process. I believe you have already taken the first step by crying out to Him and asking Him to change you. Let’s face it, being a mom is EXHAUSTING!! And our lovely, beautiful children seem to bring out the best in us and the worst in us….all in the same day! I agree, it can be a lonely road, because it was that way for me. That’s why in my blog I said to find a ‘safe’ friend. Especially if gossip is a big issue in the church. Pray for God to bring along that friend. Someone to confide in and pray with. Someone who doesn’t judge you. We are ALL in this together!! I do believe that love covers a multitude of sin- Yes, God covers our children! There is grace there for you my friend and forgiveness and healing. And thank you Lord, for His MERCIES are new every morning!! He knows I need them! :} Thank you again- I love your honesty as well! Celeste
@Everyone- I am touched by your comments and so very thankful for your openness and honesty. As I said above to Tirzah, we are all in this together, as moms, as women. God knew good and well we would need a Savior! I am so thankful for Jesus and for this group..this community. xoxo :}
I love your blog – Your writing is so compelling and honest! So now my mornings (before everyone else gets up) start with God, Coffee & YOU!
Woohoo! Your great, and of course we’re all glad we’re not the only ones
Your awesome! I love you. Sorry I never have anything insightful to say!
Celeste,
This is so great! Thanks for exposing that dirty devil that wants to paralyze us with shame instead of being Free Mama’s.
I also have been known to say, “I never thought I was angry until I had kids”
Thanks for being vulnerable and putting it all out there for God’s glory and the encouragement of His women.
I cherish you and what you bring to the DIB writing team!
Great Love!
~Ris
WOW!! It’s crushing to live under anger’s regime and even harder to forgive and release it so as not to repeat it! My mom’s rage used to scare me and make me shake! We used to hide for hours in the shed when we knew anger was on the war path! Forgiveness was the painful key that unlocked the raging generational curse of anger and abuse that has, although I didn’t know why God asked it of me as a child! I am elated that you have shined God’s beautiful opportunity for healing and redemption here because it wasn’t until my mid twenties that my own mom sought healing in this are and brought reconciliation to our relationship! You are one awesome, brave lady! Thanks!