Earlier this year, in February, I awoke in the middle of the night with intense pain in my right pelvic area. I am normally happy and healthy and other than labor and delivery I had never experienced a pain like that. I couldn’t imagine what it could be. It hadn’t subsided by dawn so I woke my husband up to tell him what was going on. Thankfully we had a doctor friend from Jamaica staying with us. My husband woke him up and he examined me, coming to the conclusion that it was one of two things and that we needed to leave for the emergency room right away.
Once in the ER we found out, surprisingly – considering that we thought we had taken the necessary precautions – that I was pregnant again. A series of tests and ultrasounds were run and it was determined that I was not miscarrying. The cause of the pain was somewhat of a mystery. This visit was followed by two weeks of visits to the hospital every two days to have ultrasounds and to test my hCG (pregnancy hormone) level. The hCG level continued to increase meaning that my pregnancy was progressing but nothing was showing up on the ultrasound. I believed that the baby was just flying under the radar and was too small yet to be detected by the ultrasounds. The doctor, however, was almost certain that it was an ectopic pregnancy. He wanted to do a laparoscopy immediately to remove the baby but, for me, that was not an option to even think about, despite the risk to my life.
Although this pregnancy was not expected the baby was welcomed, loved and wanted with a wide and open heart and arms. My arms ached to hold this baby. My heart filled with love and beat in anticipation of meeting this baby. I started to dream about another little golden-haired, blue-eyed angel running around … another little girl, perhaps? I believed with all my heart that this child would be a miracle … a life against all odds … and I looked up meanings of names to proclaim this miracle and give glory to God. What a testimony this life would have. I imagined life with 4 children. We would have to get a new vehicle to accommodate our growing family. I was still nursing Eli and I started to think about weaning him in order to prepare to nurse our new baby. Throughout this period I remained full of hope, trust and determination that everything would turn out fine in spite of what the doctor had to say. My God is the God of miracles. He is the God of making the impossible, possible. Nothing is too difficult for Him. With all my heart I believed this.
Two weeks later I went in for another blood test and ultrasound. During the ultrasound the doctor noticed fluid throughout my abdomen. My fallopian tube was in the process of rupturing and I was losing the baby. I could not believe it. My heart felt like it stopped and dropped in to my stomach. My throat felt like it was constricting and I couldn’t breathe. I literally felt sick to my stomach but not because of any physical pain. My heart was in the process of breaking. In an instant all my hopes and dreams for this precious life inside of me were dashed.
I was rushed in for an emergency laparoscopy to stop the bleeding, remove the tube and remove our 8 week old baby. I awoke from the surgery to a devastating, gut-wrenching sense of sadness, loss and anger. I awoke to aching arms and an empty heart, realizing that I would never get to hold our baby here on this earth.
The pain caused by the sense of loss was traumatic, devastating and life changing. It put everything I believed in to the test. I was an emotional wreck. My weaknesses were now on display for all to see when I was emotionally stripped and laid bare. I have never experienced my heart crushed like that. It was overwhelming.
I was angry at myself for allowing myself to hope and dream about having this baby only to have all of those hopes and dreams crushed.
I was angry with some of my friends. I knew they knew what I had been through but some responded as though our child was almost a nonentity and that what I was going through was not a big deal. Some didn’t respond at all.
I was angry at God. I had remained full of hope and faith for a positive outcome. The opposite had happened. My heart and my mind were a mess, filled with questions as I worked my way through this journey of intense emotions and seeing my faith put to the test. If God didn’t protect this child that I had prayed so much for and believed in a miracle for, then how could I trust Him with the lives of my other children? Why should I trust a God who, at the time, seemed to care so little for my deepest, most fragile needs and emotions?
I was plagued with thoughts of wondering who our child might have become. My heart felt like it would stop beating because of the pain when I thought of that little heart beating for the last time. I wondered why, after 3 perfectly healthy normal pregnancies, something would go wrong now.
I had felt at first that because I didn’t have any memories of this child that the grief would not be as great as losing one of my children who is already walking on this earth but I learned that the grief is still traumatic, real and deeply significant. Dreams for this child are unfulfilled and the anticipated joy to welcome this new life was suddenly quenched.
Having personally gone through this loss I now have a firsthand revelation into the pain that miscarriages bring. I remembered friends who had been through this and how I hadn’t really understood or related to the depth of loss they had felt because I hadn’t been forced to deal with death before, like I have now. I remembered how I used to feel at a loss for words to express in the midst of their grief. And, with these memories and thoughts came the forgiveness to forgive the friends who I felt hadn’t understood or offered the comfort I felt they should’ve offered. During this time I learned the importance of the power of the demonstration of genuine love and compassion towards others. Everything else is clanging gongs and noisy cymbals.
Through this an enlargement of my heart occurred and with that came understanding and compassion. My dad reminded me of 2 Cor. 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” This scripture brought me such comfort and helped to sustain me. It made me determined to be there for any of my friends who may one day experience this type of heartache.
Slowly, the truths I have always believed overcame the battle raging inside of me. Although I do not have all the answers as to “why” I do wholeheartedly know and believe that“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” and that “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; Jesus came that we may have life, and have it abundantly.” My hope cannot be drawn from mere human reasoning but only from God’s Word. My brokenness is being made whole through the love of Jesus. God promises a reunion one day. I may not be able to hold and know my child now but one day I will.
oh tirzah, thank you for sharing your story and your heart. I remember when this happened I was pregnant with our little one and I wept for you, imagining how horrible it would feel. then it was only weeks later I lost my little one. You've summed up how I felt and how I still feel sometimes. I don't get it either and I dont know 'why'…but like you, I just hold on to the fact that He is good. Maybe our babies are keeping one another company in heaven…
Oh Tirzah… that was such a touching story you have shared. Indeed God will use you greatly to help others who have walked the same path. I could only think of Romans 8:28, "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Thanks for sharing this story with us.
Tirzah, thanks for sharing your story. My heart aches for what you have been through as I, too, experienced the loss of my very first baby. I am so thankful for God's redemption to all of the pain we experience in our lives. I am sorry that I didn't know what you were going through and could have been a support for you.
Love you my friend.
I think trusting God with our kids is one of the biggest (if not the biggest) challenge that we face as mothers. Yet I know that He loves them so much more than we do, and I believe that when He introduces you to your baby, you'll get the revelation of why it happened the way it did. I also think that the Father God is quite proud of you for dreaming, hoping, and holding on to that new life. I love your beautiful, transparent heart.
[...] June 25, 2010 at 9:47 am (Destiny in bloom) Today, and for the next couple of days, my blog is being featured on Destiny in Bloom. I have shared my story of loss and pain of losing a baby through miscarriage. You can click on the following link to read my story – A journey through loss. [...]
Diana, thank you for your support. I had no idea that you had also lost a baby through miscarriage. I am so very sorry, my friend! I wish that I could have been there to offer you love, comfort and support as well! Love to you today!
Kelli, thank you! What you said about it being a "club" you never want to join but sometimes have no choice in joining is true. Thank you for your words of comfort and I look forward to meeting you in person one day. Blessings to you!
My friend, thank you for your love, support and comfort! They mean a lot and I love you!
Thank you my friend!
Thank you Melissa! I have felt a camaraderie with you when I've read your journey in your blog. I have been able to relate to so much of what you've been through and it is comforting. That is a sweet and comforting thought to think that maybe our babies are keeping one another company in heaven!
Having suffered a miscarriage recently I can so understand the feelings and everything. Even down to the fact that some friends acted like it was nothing to cry over. I still cry over it. It has been almost 3 months since we lost baby @ 12 weeks and I feel the pain so real even today. The dreams that we had for the baby, the future, the what ifs, boy? girl? dark hair? curls? everything. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being so real. I am sorry you know this pain too.
I'm so sorry you went through that! I know how devastating it is to loose a baby. It's something I will never forget, but it has changed my perspective on this life now that I have a little treasure waiting for me in heaven.
Thank you for sharing this with us. love you!
Rebecca
Thank you for sharing, we lost a baby while at CFNI. I share those feeling, but so grateful for God's faithfulness. You have been on my heart this year and now I know why. I will continue to lift you up on your journey. We also went through some of the same feeling as we waited for Abby test result for Down's. I now know that God's ways are not ours they are so much higher. We so loves sweet Abby and know that she is fearfully and wonderfully made, she is just extra special with an extra chromosome. Bless you all
Wow, Tirzah, you are so brave and wonderful to open your heart and share all this with us. I am so sorry for your loss and I am rejoicing with you that you will spend beautiful time with your little one, one day. I am with you in the not understanding but holding on to the only One who can keep us together as we navigate grief. It sucks! But God is good, what else can we say? Love you girl!
This is a beautiful post and one as you know I can whole heartedly identify with. I am so sorry for your loss and it makes me think of the blessed hope we have of being with the Lord and all those who are His, one day.
Tirzah- I still remember getting the phone call from you at 6am and every up and down moment you had during this time. It's amazing how God can use this experience to minister to others. Your writing is beautiful… Love you, friend!
Tirzah, you are an amazing writer. Have you ever considered writing a book? You have an amazing ability to express real feelings in a beautiful way. True talent.
Tirzah,
This is powerful. I love your sweet way of being honest about your pain at the same time that you are refusing to give up your hope in the Lord. I am very sorry for your loss. I really do hope that we get to meet some day.
Tirzah-what an amazing amount of courage and strength you have conveyed during such a painful and sorrowful time in your life. Marissa expresses nothing but love and admiration for you, and without knowing you, I join the "Tirzah Rocks" club! Thank you for sharing such a personal and painful testimony-I pray that God uses it to ease the pain of others like He is yours. Love you!!
Thank you all very much for your show of love and support! It is sincerely appreciated!
Hey Tirz, I had no idea you went through this…I am so sorry my friend…I know it must have been so hard……Love you, Karlet
Thankyou for sharing your story. Losing an unborn baby is a pain and grief all it's own. May Jesus continue to heal your heart.
I too long for that day when I can hold my baby in my arms that I lost 12 years ago. And as hard as it was, I am so glad for the Grace of God that I have this opportunity to meet my little bundle of joy for the first time. A am grateful too for a full quiver.