We have something special for you this weekend. A collection of stories. We were originally only going to run one, or maybe two of our reader’s stories about babyloss, but as we read them we just knew that there were four more we wanted to share with you. Today we will share three short stories and tomorrow we will share a fourth.
All I could think as I read these was, “This is what ‘Beauty for Ashes’ looks like…”
Yes, these stories are heartbreaking but the grace and beauty that is our God just flows out of them. He would never choose loss for us, but He is overwhelmingly faithful and makes all things beautiful. You’ll see that in these stories.
You can view what We Remember You is doing in 2013 for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day Here and submit your baby’s name for remembrance here or you can show your support with a donation or by purchasing a T-shirt here!
Co-Director, Destiny in Bloom
A Testimony: Brooke Sailer’s Story
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I’m Panicked. Pacing.
What will she say? What will she do? I know I have no other choice. I’m going to have to do it. I’m shy by nature so, right here and right now, this is pretty much
my greatest fear. I’m about to share something intensely personal with her,
my mortal enemy.
I was the Assistant Store Manager at our local Starbucks. I was having a
blast. Yes, I loved serving the coffee, but I really loved serving the people … chatting at the hand-off counter and hoping to make someone’s day brighter.
By nature, I’m a super smiley person and I make friends easily. But somehow,
I had made an enemy. I was a volunteer coordinator at church and my over
zealousness to serve our Children’s Pastor had made her feel like I wanted
her job or that she was unfit to do it by herself. (This root of the
problem we uncovered later.) Because of me, she quit. I was so sympathetic
to her for having quit her job as Children’s Pastor that I actually hired
her at Starbucks.
As months passed, it was like my very presence poured salt on her wound.
She continued to be disgruntled with me. Strengthsfinders says my number #1
strength is Restorative and #2 is Harmony. Now that you know that about me,
you can see that having this situation brewing in my life caused me great
pain. I wanted to ‘fix’ it in every way I could.
Little did I know God’s mighty & redemptive hand was about to reach down and redeem it all.
It was 5 am on that chilly October morning. Just the two of us had arrived
to open the store. I was only 8 weeks pregnant and hadn’t told anyone yet.
I unlocked the doors and began to brew the coffee when it happened.
Major cramps and bleeding.
I knew I was having a miscarriage and I was going to have to tell Terri what was happening. I was terrified. “Why couldn’t I be working with anyone but her?” I wondered.
I pulled her into the back room.
I started to cry. She started to cry. And I said, “I’m going to have to tell
you something very personal. And then, we will have to call someone into
work right away to fill this shift. I was pregnant. I’m having a
miscarriage.” I wiped my eyes on my green apron and we ran back up front.
We continued making lattes with our mascara stained faces until two more
When I got home, I changed into jammies and called my husband, my mom and my
mother in law. But then, a knock at my door.
There was Terri. Crying. Once my enemy but now my friend. A relationship restored. She had with her a bag of hot oatmeal, tea and a stack of movies. I opened the door and she said, “I’ve had six miscarriages.” She came in and we talked for a while.
As I spent some time at home reflecting and moving on, I was in complete awe
of God and His goodness to me. He answered my prayers! He heard my cry! He
restored what was broken and recovered all that was lost. In losing the
baby, I gained the powerful testimony of His redemption in a way that I
could have never understood otherwise.
Eleven months later, my husband and I proudly welcomed our sweet baby girl,
Isabella Kayt. And we Praise Him for His great and mighty works.
Purpose in Pain: Marissa Johnson’s Story
(Written in January of 2012)
This week, Wednesday to be exact, was the day I was supposed to have my son, Eric. I can’t shake this feeling that I am supposed to share about our journey. God must have a purpose for this pain we have experienced, so I write. I pray this may encourage someone today.
After a miscarriage in the fall of 2010, Scott and I were excited to learn that we were expecting again! We prayed for this baby so much after the sadness of the pregnancy before. We were so relieved to make it to 12 weeks this time. In our minds, we were able to finally breathe and begin to get our hearts and home ready to have another child. We were so excited for our sweet daughter to have a sibling.
At my 16 week appointment, the baby looked good and I was continuing to feel good myself. As I left the appointment, I was so excited to schedule my 20 week appointment….at this one we were hoping to find out the gender. It was finally feeling REAL this time. I was really going to have another precious baby. I even brought up lots of Olivia’s old baby toys and organized them in the baby’s closet. We were getting so excited! Olivia was too…we had bought her multiple Big Sister books and a Big Sister t-shirt. She is almost 5 and had been waiting to be a big sister.
All of this excitement was stolen from us on probably the worst day of my life….Wednesday, August 31st. I was exactly 19 weeks this particular day. This was the day I learned that unless God provided a miracle, I was going to lose this baby sometime in the next week. Our baby boy was completely healthy…. it was my body that was not cooperating. This was so difficult. Knowing that he was fine, but that my body was to blame was just so hard. Bed rest was not an option. It was not going to make a difference. I had to just go home and wait for labor to begin. My doctor said he does not see my situation very often…maybe just a couple times a year.
After a couple nights in the hospital, we were sent home to wait for labor. I can’t explain how difficult this was. I was beginning to feel Eric move more and more every day…it was the most bittersweet thing … feeling him move, yet knowing that unless God provided a miracle, that his time with me was very short. Scott and I did a lot of praying and crying during this week. In the midst of tears, I also felt a peace I have never felt before.
Supernatural. That is the only way to describe this peace. God took over for me and helped me to handle every minute of this horrible week. That is the only way I can explain it. Those who know me know that I am not naturally calm. Two of my biggest weaknesses are worry and fear.
In the WORST week of my life, I did not feel this worry and fear. I was sad and asking God a lot of questions, but I was calm. Strangely calm. After my water broke and I was on my way to the hospital in an ambulance, I felt peace. Painful sadness, but also peace.
God blessed us with THE most compassionate nurses and doctors. They were amazing every step of the way. They treated Eric with such respect…this beautiful baby who was just too tiny to survive outside of his mom. He was just beautiful … he looked perfect … just tiny. Holding him was the most painful and beautiful thing … again, it was God’s peace.
I don’t understand why we had to bury our son in September instead of making all of the exciting plans to bring him home. I will never understand why this happened to us. Two verses have really helped me through this time:
- Proverbs 3:5- Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.
- Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.
I know God will work his purpose through our pain. Am I still mad it happened? Yes. Do I give every pregnant woman the evil eye right now? Yes. Will I get through this? Yes.
As my pastor reminded me recently, God’s plans for us are good. Not always easy, but good. I have to hold onto this.
Life is just so hard sometimes. As you face difficult situations, because we all know too well that they will come, remind yourself that God has good plans for you and PRAY for his peace. He will give it to you. I know He will.
Time to Grieve: Frances Martin’s Story
I want to share with you what the We Remember You Walk means to me.
I am so touched that you are including infants that were lost to abortion. Nine years ago I had made the decision to have an abortion. Although I have made my peace with God & received His forgiveness for that decision I made all those years ago, I didn’t realize until recently that my heart still needed mending.
I had been carrying around a burden that I didn’t even know I had. As soon as I asked, God was so faithful to let me know why my heart had been so burdened. I was grieving. At the time it didn’t make any sense to me, until I saw my friend Amy’s Facebook page, inviting everyone to a We Remember You Walk. As I sat there, I immediately started crying because I knew then why I was grieving. I thought to myself,
“Who am I to attend this walk?” “Who am I to grieve a baby that I killed?”
As I sobbed there, God quickly reminded me: That Baby was still a life worth remembering. I still assumed, as I have seen time and time again, that this was for those mothers who lost their baby out of their control (miscarriage, still birth, etc). So I decided I’d just have to grieve quietly and alone.
I clicked the link to learn more about this walk, with the intention to attend to support my dear friends who had gone through losing a baby. And then I saw it, God’s Grace poured down from heaven. “Thank you for walking to honor the lives of babies lost to miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth, SIDS, birth defects and infant loss and to help break the silence!”
Did I read that correctly?
At that moment all I could feel was God’s love once again like a warm blanket surrounding me. I thank you so very much. You will probably never know how much this means to me. I have seen many organizations or events remembering infant loss but not once have they included aborted babies.
I want other moms who have been in my shoes, made that decision to abort their babies, repented and received God’s forgiveness to finally be able to grieve their child with others and not quietly or alone.
Thank God for you and everyone else involved in this walk for showering me with Grace.